


Forget Me Not (Klance)

by JadziaLahn



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anal Sex, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), F/F, F/M, Female Keith (Voltron), Female Lance (Voltron), Fluff and Angst, Gay Keith (Voltron), How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lesbian Sex, Love Confessions, M/M, Multi, Penis In Vagina Sex, Pregnancy, Sex Toys, Slice of Life, Smut, True Love, Useless Lesbians, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2019-09-17 16:42:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 29
Words: 75,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16978236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JadziaLahn/pseuds/JadziaLahn
Summary: Of, course... I wish I could see them again, those pretty amethyst eyes, whether in another world or not, white, black, male, female... It doesn't matter what their name is, I just know who they are, once I finally fall in love...





	1. -Introduction-

Hi, my name is Jay. The story you are about to read may be concluded as tearful, horrible, or in fact one of the best fanfics you might have read. I want to **warn** readers before this story that I **attain to reality rather than apply to fantasy.**

The rules of this fanfic are _crucial_. You **cannot skip/skim** something of this fanfic, ** _it will leave you confused_** on the whole plotline of the story. I also want to warn that major character deaths happen multiple times. Another rule of the story is **once a character dies, they are reborn into another life** , therefore the most important details of the story are in every paragraph.

Common sense is also a must have, I cannot feed you what happens in a story for every little thing. If a time skip happens it is up to the reader to interpret over reading how much time has passed, I usually mention it through quotes or a person's age.

 **I also will not tell you what P.O.V. The character is in** , it should be clearly implied through the context of the writing; Or possibly a _slash (-) to indicate a change_ in time or flashback.

_**Hopefully you read this, to understand the points of this fanfic rather than reading it without.** _


	2. A Simpler Time

(Please read Introduction before reading)

 

"Lord McClain, it has come to my attention, that you are to be wedded here soon"  
He tipped his glass to me. 

  
"She's quite the catch, I do say myself"  
Another chuckled.

"A high Christian astronomer like you, must have charmed dear Katherine Holten... "  
He tilted his head towards her.

"She is my pride and joy, sent from the heavens I suppose... "  
I swirled my wine, looking over at my fiance.

"You suppose?? You must be joking, she's the most exquisite woman ever, her father a complete genius.."  
He commented.

"Samuel Holten, I do agree is the smartest man I've met"  
I smiled, genuinely.

"She's the center of attention at every party"  
He pointed out, there always were 100s of men who would die to have her hand.

"I'm glad for her hand in marriage"  
I drank my wine quickly.

"You don't seem quite excited about it at all... "  
He sighed.

"Well, I'm just trying to calm the tensioned atmosphere, everyone has their eyes on me in disbelief"  
I looked around.

"I suppose that is true, let us change the subject... "  
He paused.

"How have your studies with Kenneth been going?"  
He asked, I smiled brightly.

"They've been great, I really feel we've gotten along a lot more recently"  
I commented.

"He says he doesn't attend parties, he thinks knowledge is more proficient, work after work, writing in the Queen's name, that man needs a break"  
He chuckled.

"I do agree, I did ask him to attend the party this evening, looks like he didn't show after all"  
I said sadly.

"He probably fell asleep at his desk again!"  
The group laughed, I rolled my eyes subtly.

"He just doesn't like social gatherings"  
I sighed, Katherine walking over to me.

"Lancelot... Do be a dear, and tell the catering we need more wine... "  
She asked, I smiled.

"Of course, love"  
I walked away from my colleagues, tapping the waiters arm.

"Could you tell them back there, we're running low on wine"  
I chuckled, the waiter jumping.

"Of course!! Lord!"  
He went quickly, I walked slowly back to the group.

"Lance"  
A familiar voice called, I looked behind me, his voice husk, and tired.

"Kenneth... You showed"  
I smiled, heat rising to my cheeks.

"You asked, and I had important matters to discuss about the Star we've been watching... "  
He walked with me swiftly, we found a far away corner.

"Yes, what happened?"  
I asked, he looked in my eyes.

"It's been moving, from the data we've collected, I was up all last night, freaking out"  
He got excited.

"That's wonderful news, so my hypothesis was correct... "  
I grinned.

"Of course it was, its always correct"  
He rolled his soft grey-purple eyes.

"Not always"  
I walked back into the party, he followed close behind.

"Your last hypothesis on why it flickered was correct!"  
He scoffed.

"And your tilted axis hypothesis worked... "  
I smirked at him.

"Oh, he actually did show up"  
One of them snarked.

"You all haven't met him, but you have heard the stories, this is my partner, Kenneth Kogane... "  
I introduced him, they gawked at his appearance.

"He is a very intelligent man"  
I commented.

"Hello Kenneth, it's been quite a while"  
Katherine giggled.

"Lady Holten"  
He kissed her hand, an envious look across his face.

"Have your studies proven you well, lately?"  
She asked, clearly making fun of him, the group snickered.

"Katherine, is that really appropriate?"  
I asked, getting angry at her.

"Why are you defending your practical apprentice, and not your fiance?"  
She eyed me.

"Because you are a woman, and should be quite more nice, especially to your husband's colleagues"  
I shut her down.

"Nice to an uneducated, Asian? Who was adopted by low class Scottish couple? Never in my years"  
She looked down on him, everyone hooted with laughter.

"Ignorance is bliss my dear... "  
I smiled. "Especially for a woman who hasn't been educated her whole life.... "  
I rose a brow.

"Lance, it's alright, I'm used to it"  
Kenneth sighed.

"He calls you by a nickname? What is he, your lapdog? Love?"  
She was really pissing me off.

"You are a woman! Not a man, that is none of your business! Find your place on the social ladder, and stay there"  
I warned her, walking away.

"You can't walk away from me!"  
She huffed, I walked upstairs.

"Lance, what are you doing?"  
Kenneth asked.

"I hate her"  
I closed the door behind us.

"You hate your fiance?"  
He looked at me, worried.

"I wish I never got myself into this stupid marriage! She doesn't even love me, we hate one another!"  
I cried, sliding to the floor.

"Why don't you tell Lord Holten?"  
He asked, bending down.

"Because I don't want to seem stingy, and she's the only woman high enough in social standards to suit our needs"  
I sighed, he held my hand.

"Lance... "  
He pushed my long hair behind my ear, and tied it back in my ribbon.

"You're the only one who understands me, Kenneth... I'm glad we're friends"  
I smiled, I pulled at his ribbon, letting his long hair flow in his face.

"Why'd you do that?"  
He chuckled, pushing back his hair, I blushed darkly.

"So I could do this too"  
I pushed his hair behind his ears, looking in his pretty eyes.

"You are quite the character, Lancelot.."  
He smiled, he rarely smiled, but when he did, it felt like the world was falling.

"I guess.. "  
I cupped his face, leaning in, it was just instinct, but I kissed him, his lips far better than Katherine's fake ones. Our tongues, shifting softly, never letting go.

I kissed him, I was kissing him still, and it felt so right, so carefree, his soft hair bundled in my hands, pulling him closer, and closer, wanting more.

"Lance... "  
He pulled at my hair, I picked him up, kissing him again.

"I love you.... "  
I whispered, confessing my feelings aloud, kissing his neck.

"I love you too"  
He smiled, wrapping his arms around my neck, I pulled off my jacket, the party would keep my betrothed distracted.

His head tenderly placed in the pillows, I unbuttoned my shirt, all I wanted was his love. I took all my clothing off, and helped him take his off, our bodies revealed to one another, curiosity of his, taking over my mind.

"You're beautiful"  
My hands roamed across his chest, staring at his milky white skin.

"You're pretty too" He giggled, his hand touching my cheek.

"I want to touch you" I told him, my hand slowly going down his hips.

"Me too" He replied, his hands roaming to my crotch.

"Bloody-" I shivered, my face cranberry red.

"You do the same, touch me like this" He whispered, I did the same, our moans escaping our lips edging us on.

"I'm going to... " He told me, I couldn't help but feel it coming too, was I always attracted to men this way, and did it honestly matter?

"Lance!" He shrieked, liquid all over his stomach.

"God-" I breathed, looking at his flushed face and unkempt hair.

"I want you... Inside" He begged, I gulped, his erection half hard.

"I've never-"

"Neither have I... Not even with a woman" He sighed.

"Are you sure?" My eyebrows furrowed in worry. "I don't want to hurt you..."

"I've known you for years Lancelot" He touched my cheek. "I know what I want" His eyes wavered back and forth looking into mine. _"It's you"_

He said his hips hurt, his face cutely planted in the feather pillows. I touched his back, his soft skin warm and comforting.

"Hey... "  
I pinched his cheek lightly, getting his head to turn.

"Hello"  
He breathed, smiling gently.

"So?"  
I turned my head slightly.

He caressed my face, hands warm and gentle. He looked distressed though.

"What's wrong?" I questioned.

"Lance... " He started crying tears streaming down his face. He sat up, covering his mouth.

"Kenneth, hey... It's alright" I comforted him, it didn't seem to work.

"We just committed Sodomy!! You just committed Adultery!! Do you bloody realize what will happen if we're caught?!"  
He breathed loudly.

"Yes, I know what I did... Calm down"  
I held his shoulders.

"They'll kill us! We will be executed! Lance... "  
He cried loudly.

"Hey.... Hey, look at me.. "  
I pulled up his chin.

"Lancelot... "  
His tears ran down his face fast.

"I don't bloody care... " I breathed. "If it's a sin, let them believe it... " I laughed quietly. "What I felt, was pure love, and I wouldn't trade it for the world" I looked in his eyes, I started crying. "A sin shouldn't feel so good... "  
I kissed his jawline.

"Lancelot.... We have to hide this, no one can know... "  
He kissed my cheek lightly.

"I promise, I'll never say a single word"  
I entwined our fingers, pecking his pink, pouted lips.

"I love you, I mean it... "  
He nuzzled the crook of my neck.

"I love you so as well"  
I smiled, holding around him.

 _I guess that's how it started,_ months, after months of our love, kiss after kiss.

Our love mixed in a bowl, hidden absolutely from the world. And I got away with it every second.

_I did marry Katherine Holten..._

The ceremony a death toll for me, but every vow was lied from my chapped lips; I kissed my beloved right after the continuation. Kenneth was the only one who had my real heart.

 _Disgusting,_ It felt so disgusting...

I had no choice of course if I wanted to keep this fake marriage up. I had to have intimate relations with her, Kenneth knew, even though it saddened him, he understood.

Our studies were spent mainly kissing, and touching, I was always so happy there. Kenneth loved every second also. He was like an Angel that calmed my nerves, a simple smile that lit up my whole world. Many wondered why he didn't wed, of course I knew, and always chuckled underneath my breath.

"Kenneth... "  
I whispered, another night spent at his house.

"Lance... "  
He unburied his face from the pillows.

"I know... This won't mean much.. But.."  
I took his hand, and tied a string around his ring finger. "If I could marry you, and divorce her, I'd do it in a heartbeat... " I said, sadly, kissing his ring finger. "Kenneth, Kogane... Will you marry me?" I asked softly, he started crying.

"Of c-course... "  
He said, wrapping his arms around me, tears from him, getting on my chest.

"T-Thank god"  
My lips quivered upward.

"If I could... I'd love you forever"  
He held my cheeks.

"I'd would too... "  
I kissed the side of his head.

 _I loved him,_ my heart quivered, he was always the first one I'd look at during the entrance of the party. Me and Katherine, started fighting more and more often, she claimed I did more at work, than caring for her.

She was right, before I realized..

_She was pregnant...._

It broke my heart, I did have to stop working, and that meant seeing Kenneth less.

He understood why I had to, it was just a matter of time, of course the time I saw him was short, but spent on his lips.

 _He was born, Edward Lancelot McClain._ Even though he was half, her's, It didn't matter what my feelings were against my own wife, he was still my son in the end.

 _Years passed,_ me and Kenneth still worked together promptly. And now, Edward was 8, best of my luck, he was nothing like his mother, except the physical attributes. He was intelligent, just like his grandfather, and respectful.

I asked Kenneth if it was alright for him to meet on our regular meetings, he said, that'd be wonderful.

"Is that a telescope father?!"  
He jumped up, looking through it.

"You won't be able to see anything much since it's barely dark outside, there might be some stars"  
I said, he still stood on his tippy toes to look through it.

"Is that him?"  
Kenneth giggled, standing beside me.

"Yes... That's Edward"  
I said.

"Father! I see one!"  
He yelped.

"Rather cool isn't it?"  
I pondered, kneeling over the large end of the telescope.

"It is!"  
He gleamed.

"Keep your eye on it"  
I smiled, turning the knob.

"It got closer!"  
He smiled.

"I adjusted the microscope to zoom closer"  
I said, he looked from the peek hole.

"Oh! Hello Dr. Kogane!"  
He jumped slightly.

"Pleasure meeting you, again, Edward"  
Kenneth grinned.


	3. Lavender

"When did I last meet you?"  
He asked.

"3 years ago, if I do recall, you were rather small then"  
He went over next to him.

"I was 5!"  
He showed his missing teeth.

"Yes, I've known you since you were a small child"  
He adjusted back the telescope, changing its course.

"Is that Orion?!"  
He looked.

"3rd star of the belt... It's quite a beauty... Shining a bright yellow"  
He looked up through the roof.

"Woah! Is this what you and Father do?"  
He peeped.

"Yes, we watch the stars, I've known your father for a long while"  
He looked at me, a bit of red on his cheeks.

"Even when he was my age?"  
He asked.

"No, not that long, I was but an orphan in Asia... "  
He smiled.

"An orphan? Did you get adopted?"  
He asked.

"Yes, I have parents in the north, in Scotland"  
His eyes wavered.

"They weren't enslaved?"  
He asked.

"Not every Scottish person is a slave like your mother claims it to be"  
I scoffed.

"No, then?"  
He turned.

"My parents weren't enslaved, and they've taken care of me well in my youth"  
He added.

"Can I see your studies?"  
He perked up.

"But of course"  
He walked him over to our desk, piled with notes and cottoned paper.

"A torque calculation?"  
He picked it up.

"We've been trying to find out the mass of a Star, by tracking it's location"  
Kenneth picked up a tracking paper, handing it to him.

"This is genius... "  
He looked through it.

"It's mostly your father's work"  
He winked at me.

"Kenneth, you helped the most"  
I waved him off.

"I did not... "  
He rolled his eyes.

"You two work rather amazing together"  
He matched up other papers.

"We do... "  
I blushed.

"You've been tracking Libra too?"  
He showed it.

"They move, very slowly, but it does move"  
Kenneth pointed to the measurements.

"They move toward the centre of the galaxy, and then they disappear... "  
I said.

"Where do they go?"  
He asked.

"Not a clue"  
Kenneth said.

"There's a huge gravitational pull towards the center, it pulls all the stars at a certain rate"  
I said.

"It's been mind boggling Astronomers for years"  
Kenneth said.

"Even Galileo questioned why.. "  
I said, looking more at the data.

"One day, a scientist will figure it out, with our notes on hand"  
He smiled.

"That's amazing, a mystery... "  
Edward giggled.

"I wish I could tell what it was"  
I said, Kenneth grabbed my hand while Edward was distracted.

"We both do.. "  
He said, he planted a quick kiss on my cheek.

Being an Astronomer is tough work, you can't go too far into studies or the church will stop you, even execute you if you go against their beliefs.

_Katherine was cheating on me,_ which, wasn't a shocker, I couldn't give her the life she wanted, she wasn't happy, and neither was I, we made that decision a long while ago.

I still gave Edward the world, he was the only good piece of her I had.

He got older, and older, study after study, he had become an adult, and Katherine gave birth to a child that wasn't mine, we never talked about it. I knew it wasn't mine, because we hadn't had sexual relations in the past 8 years.

Kenneth and I grew to our 40s, a prime in our life that still haunts me, he had to leave for 4 years of other work.

_He was going to America_ for studies, across a whole Sea.

We sent letters every 3 months, writing about our lives, and the data we came across.

2 times a year, I wrote long, 4 page letters to him, and he did the same. 

 

_Dearest Kenneth, your last letter has touched my heart, I already miss you, more than I did when you left, 2 years ago. Your data was safely taken down by me again, you will find it all intact like I've stated before, I have some rather exciting news, I've become a grandfather, I don't feel old at 45, but Edward has found a wonderful woman to spend his life with, as for young Alice, it is becoming more apparent, My life is going by, rather fast. She's almost a young woman, even though we both know, she is not mine, I treat her as my own._

 

_Kenneth, I await your arrival with soft touches, small kisses and such. For I've missed you very much so. I love you, always and the most. Even now I can remember our first love making. Our late 20s on a winter humid, cloudy night. Hopefully this letter reaches your heart so, the weeping will continue by the absence in which you sew. A small gratitude as always on the back, I hope to hear from you in 6 months..._

 

_-Your love, Lancelot McClain_

 

_\----------------------------------------------------------_

 

_My love, I have received your letter, our data seems to have matched up, America is a bustling nation, slowly, I presume, slavery here, will fall apart. Many have mistaken me for a Chinese slave, but I have my papers to prove them wrong, a subtle attitude has changed here, slaves are finding a better life in the North, up here in New York City, New Jersey._

 

_I guess that's why things have changed. I do miss you so as well, I wish I could see your pretty ocean eyes, and feel your soft lips. Feel your love on top of me once more. My wishes are soon to come true though, I only have one year left here, and then we can visit as much as we wish, together. Hold eachother as lovers do, once again._

 

_-Kenneth_ _Kogane_

 

_\-------------------------------------------------------_

 

_It's a girl, the child of my daughter and law is a beautiful baby girl. And she has my blue eyes, brunette hair from her mother. Oh, how I wish you could see her, Kenneth. I swear, I'm the happiest ever at this moment, I have a true healthy family._

 

_I also have you, as my love, my real pride and joy, life is wonderful, and I can't wait to show you what I've been working on, it's something completely new, and amazing. I've attached it to the back for you of course, I thought of you fondly while completing it. I will be leaving to Egypt to finish my studies, but I think I have something! It's just on the tip of my tongue._

 

_-Love, Lance_

 

\------------------------------------------------

 

_That's quite exciting, you've made my heart flutter, I wish I could go on that trip with you, figure it out together._

 

My letters are getting short, I know, but I have little time to write, my studies have really taken over, this will be the last letter I send you before I am back, safe at home in London. I will be looking forward to what you tell me about your trip. Do not bother to send another letter, I will be docking our port by then; it will not reach me at all. I love you, please do remember that... 

 

_-Loving you always, Kenneth Kogane_

 

\---------------------------------------------------

 

There, the last letter in my hands, brushing the sand off the paper. No one had warned me it was storm season, in the hot weather of Egypt.  I documented down my findings, sand was everywhere. I'm not even quite sure how I got it down, the data was fine when I docked from the Mediterranean Sea. 

 

I made my way back home, a small peck on the lips to Katherine and I was back to being a grandpa, diving back into my studies. 

 

I had gotten news of the ship from America, was docking in a month or so, I waited and waited. 

 

Soon, everyone crowded around the ships plank-deck. I looked left and right, I couldn't find him, what if he had starved on the ship, or gotten a sickness? My stomach swirled as I panicked, I was running into crowd, trying to go atop my toes. 

 

"Lance"  
He tapped my shoulder, giggling. 

 

"Kenneth!"  
I hugged him tightly, holding on to him dearly. 

 

"H-Hello... "  
He peeped from my squeezing. 

 

"It's so wonderful to see you!" I started crying. "Oh, how I missed you" I whispered, wiping my tears. 

 

"I missed you as well, Lancelot... "  
He rubbed my back. 

 

"Let us walk"  
I jumped, smiling widely, he walked with me swiftly, talking about his expirences in America, and how he went over westward. 

 

I was overly fascinated, one story after the next, prairies he claimed, those were so scarce in England you'd have to go up to Ireland or Scotland to see them. 

 

I told him about Egypt, and my expirences there, he and I agreed, we must go together both places, some day. 

 

My heartbeat was loud as I closed our studio door, the hallway leading up to his bedroom. 

 

Neither of us hesititated, my lips on his, biting his lips softly, I took off my jacket slowly, untying my scarf, touching him fondly. We slowly made our way down the hall, kissing to his bed. 

 

The humid air reminded me of just how much I loved him, leaving marks on his neck. Planting pecks on his stomach,  he looked much older now, but his eyes and face were still the same ones I knew from the very beginning. 

 

We made love, once more, his hitched breath in my ears, his scratches on my back, his cries still in my head. 

 

_A year passed again,_ we visited frequently over the time, I made my way to our studio once more. 

 

To my surprise, he wasn't awake, I still had his key, I opened the door, calling out for him, there was no answer, he must of gone off the the market early this morning, no biggy, I told him I was visiting today, he probably needed more food if I was to spend the night. 

 

I looked around, an ink bowl had spilled over a few papers. He must of worked hard last night, he does that often. I checked the telescope, it was in the same position as a few days ago, a dreadful smell came from the hallway, it smelled of hot iron. 

 

That was weird, I checked down the hall, into the bathroom, it wasn't the pipes, my suspicion worsened, it wasn't the telescope, and we haven't worked on electrical circuits for years now. 

 

I opened the bedroom door, my heart fell, he was sitting in his desk, head slanted forward, gun on the ground from his hand, the iron smell, was blood. I ran as quickly as I could, holding him from the chair, on to the ground, tears falling from my eyes. Blood on my hands, I screamed why, looking at his face. In his other hand was a paper, wrapped in a string. I took a closer look at the string, it was the same one I tied on his finger all those years ago. Tears fell on his cheeks from me, his head in my lap. My gloves tainted in crimson red, I took them off, fumbling with the string. Reading the letter out loud. 

 

_I know you're crying, my dearest love, Lancelot, and wondering why, I've always been terrible at words. So, it's hard to explain._

 

_I guess I couldn't do it... The thoughts in my head couldn't hold any longer, it's not your fault, not one single bit, I was suffering from a mental illness. I told you one part of America, and I lied... It was horrible, people were so racist, I almost got killed, enslaved, and beaten by several men. I've always lived a terrible life._

 

_You were the best thing that ever happened to me, I'm crying right now just thinking about how gentle and loving you were. You really did love me, and I still believe so, holding this quill as I write. I imagine a safer place, not one obsessed with white superiority. I imagine a life with you, one where we're not forced to marry someone we don't love. A place where I can kiss your lips in public, without a single stare. I don't believe in a heaven or a hell, I believe I'll wake up in a new world, right next to you, where everything is just fine. So as I write, I want you to smile, remember me fondly. One day, I'll see you in another life, where you can actually buy me a ring, in place of this tainted string I've kept in my drawer for 20 years. Lancelot McClain, I love you, and I'll never stop, I believe the universe will pull us together again, just like it pulls the stars._

 

_Please, don't hurt yourself over this, there was nothing you could've done, you already did all you ever could, and that was loving me till the end._

 

_-Your Eternal love, Kenneth Kogane-McClain_

 

He signed as if we were married, that really tore my heart out. I stared at his lifeless body, my lips quivering immensely. 

 

"I love you too"  
I whispered, holding him close. 

 

I called for the Morgue, my tear stained face drying. I promised I wouldn't cry, but I couldn't do it. 

 

Katherine, for the first time ever, didn't argue with me, she just hugged me softly and let me cry. I always knew we weren't meant to be a couple, but we were the best of friends. 

 

A funeral was held in his memory, I showed as the guest of honor. I spoke softly on our friendship, the audience mourning in tears. 

 

I just held the string tightly, speaking my mind, his restful face, softly framed by small blue forget me nots, he always said they were his favorite. I put my hand on the casket, tears falling down my face like a waterfall. 

 

I was the first to put dirt over him, the rest done by the burial workers. His gravestone said Kenneth Kogane, but in my mind, and forever in my mind, it said McClain. 

 

I buried my husband, the man I was supposed to be forever with, the pain ate at me, I could still see his face planted in the pillows next to me like it was only yesterday. 

 

I couldn't work, everything was in his handwriting, the letters I received sounded so happy, and maybe he was happy because it was to me, maybe he needed my letters to last longer. 

 

It ate at me, I started going to church more often with my son and daughter, _5 years had passed,_ My daughter had gotten married, and Alice was growing more and more by day. 

 

I couldn't find happiness, all of it had been taken by death. A unforgiving depression that lasted in my heart forever. 

 

I couldn't keep quiet anymore, I decided to confess my feelings to the priest, maybe I can forget, and not use liquor to do so. 

 

"What do you wish to talk about?"  
The priest said on the other side of the screen. 

 

"I have been thinking of killing myself lately"  
I answered honestly. 

 

"You have not enacted on the sin?"  
He asked. 

 

"No, I am seeking help from God, wherever he is"  
I pondered. 

 

"God is all around.... God is good"  
He answered. 

 

"I have a sin to confess"  
I gulped, sighing vividly. 

 

"Do confess it, God will forgive"  
He said. 

 

"I've committed Adultery... And so has my wife"  
I started by that. 

 

"God cannot forgive certain sins... Especially breaking one of the commandments"  
He said. 

 

"I understand, but, the woman I have married, I do not love... "  
I looked down in shame. 

 

"Divorce, is an option"  
He claimed. 

 

"The one I loved, has died... "  
I sniffed. 

 

"That is most unfortunate... "  
He replied. 

 

"I confess another sin.... " I choked on my words. "I've committed Sodomy... "  
I said. 

 

"You know you must be executed if this is true"  
He said in an authorized tone. 

 

"Why is it wrong to love another man, God said love is good, then why is not?"  
I asked. "I've never felt more loved than when I was with him, if that is a sin... Then God has to be wrong... " I spoke, the priest turned open the crated sliding windows. 

 

"You dare question God's word?!"  
He yelled. "He is not wrong! The devil only lies in you!" He stared in my eyes. 

 

"I am not the devil, I only want to love... Why are you so defensive over someone who is loosing belief of the lies that book spits!" I yelled. "300 years ago, the book said everything revolves around the earth, and then it changed when science proved it wrong, human error has created a story, you still believe" I cried. 

 

"Guards!" He yelled. 

 

I chuckled, the priest told them what I had committed. They threw chains on me, and kept me in a cell. It was cold and wet, people knocked on the bars all night, I accepted I would die by the morning. 

 

When I woke up, they brought me behind several others, waiting to be hanged. One after one, snap after snap. 

 

It finally had became my turn, I stepped up on the platform proudly. His face on my mind, they wrapped the rope around my neck. 

 

"Lance McClain, charged with Adultery and Sodomy by lying with another man!"  
They called out, the crowd booed, I saw Katherine's face in shock, they had finally understood my pain. 

 

"Any last words to confess before, McClain?"  
He asked. 

 

"Only that I'm dreadfully sorry to my family, and I'm sorry all of you, who don't understand love! Who don't understand what it's like to not be excepted and executed by a church that revolves itself around love! But then kills people for it, it's a hypocritical cycle, thou shall not kill is a sin, and the church kills for sin, they are in itself a sin! The church lies! One day you'll all und-"  
They dropped me, my life flashed before my eyes, Kenneth's smile stuck in my mind. 

 

It played, over and over again, every laugh, every kiss, every conversation. He floated in my mind, technically there is no pain. All you feel is happiness, no sorrow is left, as memories flow in of him on my lips. His soft hands touching my jawline, I felt at home just sitting there, it was warm, soft and comfortable. And then I looked up and It was white, all just one color around him, and he slowly disappeared, I felt a heavy despair hit me. 

 

_And then, I couldn't remember...._

 

What was his voice like, what did he look like? Who am I? All I could remember was the soft color of lavender, a smell that was peculiar, a color that hit my soul. 

 

_A field of lavender...._

 


	4. Taking Flight

It was spring, 1947, right after the 2nd World War, I had served in the Air Force for 5 years, economy was booming, and America was a new nation of War obsessed retards, I guess technically, I was one of those retards.

Since I came back from the war, life's been cake and mustard for me, the amount of benefits I get is ridiculous, just for shooting a few handfuls of Kamakazis, and Nazi's. America went kind of overboard with the bomb thing, I do admit, we apologized overly.

What were we gonna do? Let em' take Hawaii? I don't really think so. I lit a cigar, taking a few puffs.

War's been shit, and thanks to Germany, all of Europe is a trash heaven.

Oh, and the name's Lance, I'm a fighter pilot, Veteran, and the hottest thing on earth, I mean I suppose?

I can fly from a Grumman F6F Hellcat to a Arsenal VG-33. They called me 'sharpshooting cadet' back at boot camp. And then out on the field, I was well known.

I mean now, I just go down to the dusty old runway and try my best to get rid of this time, I ain't got no woman, especially to spend my life with. Well, that's a yet... Hopefully that changes.

Made my way down to that dirt track again, the scent of lavender was there, I always had a weird attraction to lavender, ever since I was a small kid.

"Danny, did you fix up my dirt rider?"   
I poked my head in the shop, he wasn't anywhere, but there was someone fixin' up my plane.

"Who and the hell?!"  
I looked under my plane, there was a woman working on it.

"Danny! Who the??"  
I got out the hangar, walking around.

"Danny!"  
I found him.

"Oh, hey Lance... "  
He got up from fixing a large plane.

"You got a woman working on my Blue?!"  
I yelled, absolutely cross.

"She's amazing at handy work, and she's a florist too"   
He winked, I silently twitched my eye.

"What if she messes up my damn plane?"  
I scoffed, hearing a plane going out.

"Looks like she fixed it up, and is taking it on a drive"  
He lifted his safety glasses.

"No! No!"  
I ran after my plane, it took off, I exhaled in anger.

"Oh, look... "  
He patted my shoulder, I watched it make a loop around in the air.

"Who the hell is she?"  
I turned to Danny.

"Her name's Kaithe or something... It's French... But she's like a Jap or something... "  
He chuckled.

"A Jap? Like Kamakazis?"  
I shook my head in confusion.

"She's American, speaks like us, no accent... I hired her, cause she was desperate for money, and I couldn't turn down a hard working little lady like that"   
He pouted.

"How good has she been?"  
I snarked.

"Amazing she can fix up any plane you ask her to, no questions... "  
He crossed his arms.

"Oh yeah.... Even those German ones?"  
I rolled my eyes.

"She helped me with yellow, when it got badly fucked up"  
He laughed.

"Yeah, I guess she's good then... "  
I pouted, rolling my eyes subtly.

"I fixed it up... "  
She went passed me.

"Your promised $250"  
He handed her the money, I looked at her shocked, her hands covered in black oil.

"Thanks... "  
She looked back at me, lavender... Her eyes were _lavender_.

"Don't worry about Lance, he's just a little iffy"  
Danny chuckled.

"Next time you have a problem with me... Just say it straight to my face... "  
She growled, passing me with a snarked look.

"You don't have to be rude... "  
I mumbled.

"You didn't have to be rude in the first place!"  
She turned, butting heads with me.

"Oh yeah? Well aren't you a woman? Aren't you supposed to have etiquette? Working on a plane is a man's job"  
I huffed back.

"I did it just as well as any man, asshole!"  
She yelled.

"A lady like you shouldn't work at all... You're so... Unladylike, and crude"  
I crossed my arms.

"Yeah, well... Whatever... I don't have time for stupid men"  
She turned her heel and stuffed her money in her pocket, walking away.

"You like her"  
Danny smiled.

"You're full of shit"  
I lit up another cigar.

"Am I now?"  
He rose a brow.

"Whatever... "  
I laughed, puffing my smoke.

I made my way to my plane, taking her out for a test run, It was working good. I guess I couldn't really complain about the girls work, I know how to fly a plane, not fix it.

I ended up driving home, some reason, her eyes were in my mind, I couldn't explain it. I couldn't sleep, I've seen thousands of eyes, I've been with a good amount of women and none of them had an impact like she did.

I hated it, getting up and hating the air, the smell. I guess, I kinda hated myself, well only that morning. I looked at the photo of my momma and lit up the candles around her picture again, another reason I decided to join the war.

I started taking my morning walk, it was kind of a tradition, I did it every morning. Walking the streets of good ol'   
Clarkstown, New York. The small city was filled with a lot of joy in the mornings.

I always bought lavender flowers for my house at the floral down the way, but things have been a little less fortunate since the florist there died. No one's ran it for weeks.

"Be careful, Michael... "  
I looked over to a family.

"Might get a scratch next time... "  
The wife dusted the boy off.

It's funny seeing a family, and then used to having one, until they were all wiped out by the war. Your brothers signed up, each of them got killed, and your mom and sister killed in England on a visit. I remember how much I miss them, and dad died a long time ago.

The smell of lavender again, I looked over, a small boy in front of the re-opened flower shop.

"Momma? Does this look good?"  
The little boy asked.

"Yes, it does sweetie... Put it in with the other Marigolds... "  
She said softly, her hair in a ponytail.

"Okay!"  
He hopped, and cutely put it with the matching ones.

I walked up to the lavender, picking a few up. I was staring at the woman, the figure oddly familiar, and the hair too.

"Ma'am can I purchase some of these?"  
I asked, she turned.

"You"  
She growled, her heels clacking down from the stool she was on.

"Alright, fine... All I want are these flowers, I get it, you hate me, but I'm giving you money... "  
I rolled my eyes.

"You're being nice?"  
She scoffed.

"Yeah, well... I really like these flowers, so take it"  
I gave her the money.

"It's because I'm not covered in oil? And work clothes isn't it?"  
She asked.

"I don't particularly care... And you have a son, which equals a husband... So why on earth would I hit on a taken woman?"  
I eyed.

"I'm not taken... That bastard left me all alone to raise a kid by myself... "  
She flicked her dark hair, turning back to the buckets attached to the sign.

"I'm sorry... "  
I paused.

"It was my own fault, I should've known not to trust him... At least I got my baby out of it"  
She put her hands on her hips.

"He's cute.. " I commented, he kept putting the flowers where they belonged, she looked over at him. "That's why you work on the planes... "

"Yep, Danny pays good... It's the only job that pays the bills around here"   
She sighed, looking briefly in my eyes.

_Lavender....._

"You like lavender? It's got a strong scent... "   
She pointed to the flowers I got.

"I've loved it since I was a kid, yeah... "  
I smiled.

"I've always loved Forget me nots... The Blue color is pretty.... "   
She showed me the flower.

"They are... "  
I grinned.

"You're not as much of an asshole as I thought.. "  
She snickered.

"Maybe it's because you're pretty... "  
I smirked.

"So you do only care about looks"  
She flicked her hair in my face.

"Who ever said that... You got a lot of walls up, don't you?"  
I asked.

"You're just like every soldier, who wants a little hook up, and then bye bye! They think they rule the world, and can woo any woman!"  
She growled.

"I don't think girls are all wanting me, I mean, you're a great example"  
I rolled my eyes softly.

"I'm not interested, hotshot!"  
She snapped.

"Alright, we can't be friends? all I did was say you're pretty, and it's true... I don't think I've ever met a girl with Purple eyes, and you called me an asshole... So it's only fair"  
I crossed my arms.

"You're still an asshole.... I was just being flat honest.."  
She crossed her arms back.

"Well, maybe I still found you attractive in those rags you work in, with that oil on your face! But I was too distracted by you being rude"  
I smirked.

"Maybe I found you attractive, but I was too distracted by your headache of an ego!"  
She got in my face.

"Maybe I think you're cute when you're angry"  
I flirted.

"Don't belittle me, dick head"  
She spat.

"Oh yeah, I forgot... You're an independent woman"  
I sighed.

"Mommy! I'm done"  
The little boy tugged on her poodle skirt.

"Good job sweetie"  
She picked him up on her hip.

"You never told me his name"  
I pointed out.

"My name's, John"  
He answered.

"And he's to be nowhere near you"  
She stuck her tongue out.

"Oh, real mature"  
I rolled my eyes.

"Suspecting a woman can't live on her own, real mature? What is this the 1800s?"  
She rose a brow.

"No, because I wouldn't ask for your dial in the 1800s... "  
I chuckled.

"You want my dial?"  
She looked at me like I was crazy or something.

"Yeah, why not? We could be good friends... "  
I wrote down my number.

"You're an asshole though"  
She held John close.

"I'm only an asshole to getcha fired up, Missy"  
I handed her the paper,

"Fine, don't expect me to call soon! I have work all day"  
She put John down, he waddled away.

"Hey... Did you?"  
I pointed at John walking away.

"Yeah, I dated a black guy... And, I know in this day of age... He'll have a lot of trouble growing up.... Kinda why I moved from the south, people are so racist, they even tried to put me in those interment camps, just because I was Japanese"   
She looked down.

"Things like that don't happen here... Well, racism happens, but not on the level of the South"  
I said.

"I came from Texas... Heart of the South"  
She giggled.

"Explains the accent"  
I chuckled.

"Yeah"   
She pushed her loose hair behind her ear.

"What's that?"   
I pointed to the scar on her cheek.

"Oh, I got attacked when I was little, in the orphanage I grew up in. "  
She giggled, touching it softly.

"Oh... I didn't know you were an orphan"  
I sighed, caressing her cheek out of instinct.

"The hell do you think you're doing?!"  
She snatched my hand off of her face.

"S-Sorry, I don't know what came over me!"   
I looked at my hand.

"You're super weird"  
She laughed, letting the situation go.

"I'm not weird!"   
I huffed.

"Hey, I know battle scars are mesmerizing, but I didn't know they hypnotized people"  
She smirked.

"Who gave you the scar?"  
I asked.

"My older foster brother, we hated eachother at first, but he felt so bad, and treated the burn... Eventually, they became my only family"  
She sighed.

"Oh, well, you're lucky to have a brother"  
I smiled.

"I did, until they joined the Air Force... "  
She said blankly, a sad expression came on her face.

"What was his name?"  
I asked.

"Takashi Shirogane"  
She stated.

I paused, my Colonel was Takashi, he led the fleet, into some kamakazis. And he was known as Shiro, best man you could ever meet, also my best friend on the field, it clicked. He always talked about his little sister Kathina. And how he hoped she was doing well, he always got letters from her.

We got ambushed, he joked about not making it out alive that day. The irony of it was, he was shot down, along with Matt, Thace, Cory, and a bunch others. And right in front of him was his Colonel's sister, years later. What a fucking tragedy life is.

And that damn fucker, I promised him if he never made it out, that I'd find his sister, make sure she isn't getting in any trouble. 3 fucking years ago, and these damn memories are still haunting me.

"Don't know em', sorry"  
I smiled a tiny bit.

"Too bad, he was such a good man"  
She laughed sadly, yeah, he was a good man.

"I bet, sorry, but, I gotta head out, go home and clean up, you can dial me later"  
I said, I was on the verge of breaking down.

"Oh, so early? Well, goodbye, it was nice meeting you"  
She smiled, fuck.

"Nice meeting you too"  
I shook her hand, turning my heel.

Fuck... Shiro... You never told me your sister would make me fall in love asshole... God, I miss you...

I walked home, and pulled out some war photos, dark black hair, and despite his Jap appearance, he was an American all the way.

"You remember we used to get drunk off our asses"   
I chuckled.   
______________________________  
(3 years ago)

"Having a few drinks won't hurt nobody"  
He handed me a cup.

"You know I'm not a drinker right?"  
I eyed him.

"Come on, Germany is known for the best beer!"  
He elbowed me.

"Alright"  
I sipped.

"You know, this war is gonna end someday, might as well enjoy the thrill"  
Takashi said.

"Not much thrill when your best buddies die in the air"  
I commented.

"They died for our country... You'll always have them in your memories, Lance, they only leave if you choose to forget them... "  
He sipped his beer.

"Takashi-"

"Call me Shiro... We're close enough now"  
He laughed.

"Shiro.... I don't think it's that easy... "  
I said.

"Life isn't easy... Did I ever tell you about my only family?"  
He mentioned.

"Nah, Colonel you didn't"  
I laughed softly.

"Well, young cadet.... My mom and dad were killed when I was 10"   
He sighed.

"That's unfortunate"  
I said in sympathy.

"Sent me off to the orphanage, I was a bit of a troublemaker, and I broke things, stole things... But then someone showed up and changed that"  
He looked up to the stars.

"Who was this, someone?"  
I asked, smiling a bit.

"My sister, we first got in fights, and then I accidentally burned her with a pan, I guess it was an awakening, I started acting mature, well mannered"  
He smiled.

"All for her?"  
I asked.

"As soon as I turned 18 I got her in my custody, she was so happy, but when she turned 15, I joined the war... "  
He chuckled.

"Oh"

"She still sends me letters, I used to wonder what this war meant when all I used to do was supply England with practical deliveries"  
He chuckled.

"That's what it was like before the war?"

"Yeah, then I got put up to Captain, and then up to Major... And now I'm responsible for a whole squadron"  
He sighed.

"I passed bootcamp with flying colors, solely based on my talent... I used to be the worst"  
I chuckled.

"My right hand man is a talent bugger"  
He giggled.

"Yeah, yeah..." I paused, looking up at the clear sky "Hey, you're a Lieutenant Colonel, why do you fight with us?"  
I asked.

"I'm not like the rest, I don't want to send a squadron off on their own, knowing I can't do it by myself, and If I can't, I'd rather die with all of you"  
He said.

"That's very brave... "  
I sipped more.

"Most fucking sit back and watch their men die, I've watched a lot die, I was there for Normandy, when they needed me for a commander... Watched my own men get killed, but knowing my sister is safe makes everything seem better"  
He said, a small smile on him.

"I've seen my best friends shot down.... So I know how that feels, man"  
I patted his back.

"Now I'm responsible for 200... I try my best to go on every mission, some I miss, and then I never see those cadets again, but I keep my head up high, you have to make decisions like that"  
He sighed.

"Life isn't fair"

"Yeah, it isn't, humans are terrible, but I try my best" He looked over at me. "If I don't ever make it back, I want you to take care of her, make sure she's not getting in trouble, I've got a good feeling you're gonna make it out alive"  
He said.

"I'll promise that small request, I'm pretty sure I can find her when I get out"  
I said.

"Hey Lance.... Thank you"  
He smiled at me.

"Honestly, its nothing man, I'm pretty sure you're gonna make it out alive anyways, you're a great leader, and pilot, pretty sure you've got nothin' to worry about"  
I smiled.

"Yeah, maybe you're right-"

\-----

"We're getting ambushed!! Shiro! Shiro!"  
Matt's screams we're in my head..

\-----

"Why can't I just forget you?!"  
I threw the photo. "Why can't I forget? Why can't they leave my mind!!"  
I wailed.

"You told me once that no matter what the people you love won't leave your memories! But, I wanna fucking forget!!"  
I screamed.

"I don't wanna remember you! And somehow you always come back! You're like a bittersweet damn demon I can't get rid of!"  
I picked up the photo.

"And part of me wants to remember you, I wish we could grab a beer and sit down and talk about these years you missed, I bet your sister would like that too"   
Tears hit the photo.

"I'm so damn weak, and I miss you, I miss Matt, and Cory, and old man Thace"   
I chuckled, the phone rang, I barely noticed how much time had passed, I put the photo down, and gulped up my tears, hiding all my feelings.

"Hello?"  
I answered, completely calm, as if I had never had a break down.

"You wanted me to call asshole" She chuckled. "So, what do you wanna talk about?" She asked.

"To be honest I just wanted to hear you"  
I said, that time I wasn't lying.

"God, please stop talking like that, and I'll chat with you"  
She sounded like she rolled her eyes before that.

"I'll stop being flirty"  
I promised.

"Good"

"How was your day?"  
I asked.

"Fixed another plane's rudder... "  
She said.

"I don't know how to fix planes, but I do know how to fly them"   
I chuckled.

"I heard you're a pretty good pilot"  
She said.

"Yeah I'm pretty good, they used to call me sharpshooter"   
I bit my lip, laughing a little.

"Was that their way of saying you beat around the bush a little?"  
She asked, her tone a little intruding.

"No, they called me the tailor for that"   
I added.

"Mnn, Tailor huh? How many needles you been with"  
She asked.

"You want me to lie or you want the truth, doll?"  
I questioned her.

"Truth, no white lies, I damn hate those"  
She answered.

"4, I've been with 4"  
I said, being definitely honest.

"How many were a pickup?"  
She laughed.

"All of them, c'mon I was in the middle of a war, unmarried!"  
I rolled my eyes playfully.

"I guess that's a good excuse"  
She sighed softly.

"Are you a little Spitfire over it?"  
I smirked, leaning against my couch.

"No!"  
She snapped.

"I thought you hated white lies?"  
I laughed.

"Shut it!"  
She yelled.

"Stop putting little walls up, let's get a ticket to the movies... "  
I got straight to the point.

"W-What?"  
She mumbled.

"Let's go on a date"   
I said softly.

"You're crazy"  
She giggled, _God that laugh was cute._

"I'm not, I'm askin' seriously"   
I smiled.

"Are you? You know if this goes anywhere... I have a kid"  
She said.

"And I'll take care of him as my own, I'd never mistreat you, ever"  
I promised myself.

"You just say that to get me in your pants"  
She scoffed.

"When did I ever-"

"I've played this game before, dates until you can get me in bed, leave me the second responsibility hits"  
She sounded hurt.

"Yeah, and if you get pregnant I'll take care of it, I'm not an asshole, and makin' love to you is the last thing on my mind, you fill your head with assumptions from an asshole... "  
I said, my eyebrows crossing.

"Prove me wrong then!"  
She huffed.

"I will"  
I said it, grounding that answer.

"What day?"  
She asked.


	5. Her

_That was it,_ crazy as it was, she set it up for Monday, saying her high school friend was going to watch John, getting in my car was exciting, driving over to her house.

It was a small cottage-like eggshell house, tiny enough to fit a mouse in, there were roses and blue forget-me-nots in the front of the house, the house alone seemed empty, lonely.

She was wearing a red dress, her hair down and curled cutely. Her black heels, almost made my cigar drop, what I would give to be in that asshole's shoes, I'd take away all those stupid mistakes. I'd be there, every step of the way, kiss her and tell her she was worth everything. Kathina was worth every dime, second and breath.

"You look amazin'... "  
I smiled.

"Thank you, you don't look too bad yourself"  
She laughed, hushly under her breath.

"No, seriously"  
I blushed.

"Stop flattering me"  
She rolled her lavender eyes.

"Why not? You obviously worked hard to look like this... "  
I rose a brow.

"So? I'm not worth the compliments"  
She looked down.

"Don't ever say that again, you are worth everything"  
I lifted her chin, her eyes blowing up wide.

"Okay... "  
She smiled warmly.

"Here"  
I opened the car door, she stepped in.

"Thank you"  
She said, I got in the car, starting up the thing.

 _Her smile was worth a million,_ as I started driving to the movies, we had small talk, either her cheeks were rouged or she was blushin. The classic red lipstick brought out her soft cheeks and pretty, amazing heart shaped face. The light mascara opening up her eyes.

The movie was a Romantic Comedy, the ones I like the most. Even though Kaithe could play the woman way better, she was incredibly pretty, black oils all over her, or made up like this.

"You're gorgeous"  
I whispered in her ear, she jumped.

"Shut up"   
She hid her face.

"It's true, look in the mirror"  
I hushed, she looked at me like I was insane.

 _Dates passed_ , I was falling more and more in love with her, our last date, our 5th one, I told her I wanted for us to be together, she laughed at me like I was joking, so... I let it go, we've gone on 10 dates, and this time.

I took her to a festival, she was in cute little shorts and a white tank top, holding her hand felt nice, but.

_There were still walls up..._

"Kathina.. "  
I said, she turned.

"I told you not to call me by my full name, Kaithe... It's Kaithe "  
She angered.

"I wanted to say something important to you, so I used your full name"  
I walked next to her.

"What was so important? Huh?"  
She looked up at me.

"I love you"  
I smiled softly, her eyes were wide.

"No... You don't.. "  
She looked down.

"I love you... I mean it"  
I cupped her face.

"You don't even know me!"  
She tore my hands away.

"I do... "  
I snapped.

"Yeah... Sure"  
She started walking away.

"You're Kathina Mary Kogane, a single mother with a stupid past, that you regret, you can't learn to love because you don't want to get hurt again, and you're scared, yet you blush, and smile and laugh with me, and you keep saying you can't possibly be loved, but I love you... "  
I said, meaning every single word, she stopped, pain struck in her eyes.

"I.. "

"Kaithe... "  
I smiled, I got near her face, our noses softly touching.

"I can't"  
She whispered.

"Try... Please"  
I traced my thumb over her lips.

"Lance... "  
She whimpered, I pulled her face up to my lips, resting there, she moved her lips against mine.

I loved her, our soft kiss ending with a small sound.

"I told you, I love you"  
I held her close, she wept in my shirt.

"I l-love you... T-Too"  
She gripped my shirt.

"I'm never going to hurt you... "  
I kissed the top of her head.

"I... "

"I'm going to treat you right, give you the world... "  
I whispered.

I meant that, we drew closer and closer, John and me were becoming best buds. I practically taught him how to read.

Kaithe was part of my life, and I was never going to let that go. Hell, she was my life, she's changed it so much, I'm no longer lonely, I have her. She's the center of my world.

"What's this?"  
She asked, box in hand.

"Give that to me"  
I snatched it.

"Hey! Now I wanna see what's in there!"  
She snapped, pulling the box from my hand.

"Kaithe! Let go!"  
I yelled.

"No!"

"Yes!

"No!"

"Give it!"  
I winced.

"Why are you hidi-"  
The box broke from under, pictures falling everywhere.

"I told you not to!"  
I yelled.

"They're just old war photos"  
She bent down.

"No! Let me do it-"

"Takashi.... "  
She gasped, there were tons of photos of him.

"Kathina... I... "  
I started to cry.

"Why did you lie to me?!"  
She wailed.

"I... I was trying-"

"Trying to what?! Keep me from knowing my brother?!"  
She was crying, it broke my heart.

"No... I... "

"Tell me!! Lance?! What was the fucking reason?!"  
She broke down.

"Kathina.. "  
I grabbed for her hand.

"Tell me!"  
She pulled her hand away.

"I can't... "

"So there isn't any fucking reason?!"  
She scoffed, wiping her own tears.

"Please, just.. "

"You're an asshole! I knew I shouldn't have trusted you!"  
She was red, tears pooling quickly.

"I watched him die!!"  
I snapped, she froze.

"He was like a brother to me... You don't know how much it fucking hurts! Watching his plane blow up! I didn't want to hurt you, I didn't want you to know, cause it hurts to talk about him, it hurts like a 1,000 bullets hitting my body... "  
I curled in a ball.

"I'm sorry... "  
She said, pulling me into a hug.

"He was so nice, he made sure we felt like home... I miss him so much.... He missed you so much"  
I cried in her shoulder.

"I missed him too"  
She whimpered.

"He'd talk about you all the time... I promised him... "  
I paused.

"Lance... "

"I promised him, I'd take care of you"  
I hugged her close.

"You d-did?"  
Her tears fell on her shirt.

"He'd be so proud of you of the woman you've become"  
I laughed sadly, She started wailing.

"I know he would... I know"   
She let the tears fall from her eyes.

I'll never lie to her again, it was truth for now on. I told her everything, every story, every memory, every single person who died who I cared about, one of them, being her brother.

She hugged me, kissed me, told me everything was alright. I let myself cry in her arms, men don't cry. She didn't judge me, or tell me I was any less of a man. She just ran her dainty fingers through my hair, and comforted me.

By then I had the title of her being my girlfriend, I stayed over at her house a lot, sleeping on the couch, or a chair sometimes. She never really seemed to ever mind.

I invited her over to my house for tonight, she'd seen it before, but never for real long. I just wanted to cuddle and watch some TV with her, any type of time with her is amazing.

"Lance...."  
She whispered from the corner of the couch on the other side of me.

"Yeah, what's up?"  
I asked.

"I was wondering... If it would be possible... "  
She was really nervous.

"Yes?"

"If we could make love... "  
She mumbled into the pillow.

"You want that?"  
I made sure she wasn't out of her mind.

"Please, It's not much to ask, I just... "  
She got really nervous, I crawled over to her and kissed her lips.

"No... It's fine, I've got you"  
I wrapped my arms around her, kissing her jawline.

"Lance... " She breathed, I unbuttoned her shirt. "Wait!" She wrapped her arms around her chest.

"What's wrong?"  
I asked, clearly confused.

"They're small"  
She mumbled under her breath, I took her arms away and unbuttoned her bra, sliding off her shirt.

"Kathina, you're beautiful... Nothing is going to disappoint me"  
I pulled the bra down, exposing her cute breasts.

"I'm sorry... "  
Tears ran down her cheeks.

"They're cute"  
I ran my hands to her chest and squeezed softly.

"Ah!"  
She squeaked, I pinched one of the nipples softly.

"You're beautiful, so beautiful... My love"  
I kissed her neck, down her collarbone, I pecked her soft skin, I sucked softly on one.

"Mnn!"  
She bit a moan back.

"Come on, don't hide your voice"  
I said gently.

"Yes sir... "  
She mumbled underneath her breath.

"Is this okay?"  
I asked, playing with the rim of her pants.

"Yes.. "  
She answered wearily.

"Alright... "  
I dove my hand down her pants, cupping her breast with my other hand.

"W-What? What are you doing?"  
She asked, as I kissed down her abdomen, to the V of her crotch.

"I'm gonna make you feel good"  
I stated, I took off her pants, leaving her only in her cute, pink lacy panties.

"How?"  
She was clearly confused.

"You'll see"  
I smirked, I kissed her thigh, my lips kissing to her crotch, I kissed it.

"Oh~"  
She moaned, I dugg my nose in her pelvic, starting to lick through her panties.

"Lance... "  
She whimpered, her panties were soaking through like no tomorrow.

"You're really wet"  
I chuckled, pulling down her last garment of clothing.

"Lance...W-Wait " She pleaded, I paused, looking up at her to make sure she was okay. She calmed down with soft breaths, "Okay" She said, my eyes traveled down as I saw her slit.

"You're so cute"  
I smiled, a line of slick connecting her panties and her folds.

"Lance... I'm n-not... I'm not pretty.... Or cute, or anything"  
She shook her head.

"Well, tonight, in my eyes, you are perfect"  
I kissed her lips, my fingers trailing down her pelvis, I slipped my fingers across her clit.

"Hah!"  
She choked on her moan.

"I told you, I'd take care of you"  
I rubbed more, she whined and bit her lip.

"Yes... Please!"  
She moaned, her hips moving on their own.

"One minute"  
I stopped, she whimpered in protest, I got between her legs, licking a stripe across her cunt.

"Lance... "  
She arched her back, I dug my nose in her black hair, lapping her juices and running my tongue across her clit.

"Mnn! Oh... Fuck... Please... "  
She moaned, I ran my fingers over her hole, dipping my middle finger in, I felt around, until I curled my finger.

"Lance!"  
She screamed, I curled my finger and licked over and over.

"Holy shit! Please! More! Your fingers, I want... Oh fuck!"  
She had my hair in her grasp, pulling softly, I was making her a mess, and I loved it.

"Mnn"  
I hummed against her cunt.

"Yes! Yes... Please sir!"  
She moaned, her legs were shaking rapidly, I knew she was gonna cum soon.

"Fuck me! Lance! I need-"  
Her cunt twitched on my finger, tightening as she came all over my face.

"You taste amazing"  
I lifted up, she was breathing rapidly.

"What was that?"  
She said, euphoria on her tongue.

"You, cumming?"  
I laughed.

"I've... Never felt like that... "  
She blushed, I smiled.

"Well, I'm glad I'm some kind of first to you"  
I kissed her cheek.

"He'd hit me if I even thought of having pleasure"  
She said, my jaw dropped.

"He'd what?!"  
I snapped, totally confused on the situation.

"He'd hurt me... Punish me if I didn't obey him... "  
She started crying, a waterfall coming down.

"Kathina... Oh... My god"  
I pulled her into a hug.

"He'd call me a dirty slut... A whore.... Slam me against walls, if I didn't please him" She kept crying. "He'd hurt me"  
She cried into my shoulder. "I thought it was because he loved me" She held me.

"He didn't love you"  
I whispered, kissing the side of her head, I ran my fingers up her back, scars were there.

"Kathina, did... He burn you?"  
I asked, she winced.

"He whipped me, he'd tie me against the bed and whip me, I... I told him I didn't want sex... He flipped, he'd pin me down and... "  
She wailed, her crying so intense.

"I'll never hurt you like that"  
I whispered, rubbing her back.

"Lance... "  
She whimpered.

"I'll never fucking rape you, I'll never hurt you... " I made her face me. "You're too precious to be abused" I kissed her temple. "You're mine, no one's going to touch you" I pulled her to my chest.

She wailed long, about 30 minutes, my hands running through her hair, as I comforted her.

"Erase him... Please... Lance" She begged, gripping my shirt, shaking. "I want you to make love to me like you mean it, make him disappear... I don't want to hurt anymore" She wept in my chest, I picked her up, holding her legs.

"Lance... "  
She held around me, I carried her to my room, not bothering to close the door.

"I'm going to give you your real first time"  
I threw off my shirt, taking off my pants, I ran my hands across her petite body, treating it as if it were glass.

"Lance..."  
She smiled softly, looking into my eyes, I kissed her lips, rubbing her hips.

"Kathina"  
I whispered, I kissed down her neck, leaving a small mark.

"I love you"  
Tears fell out her eyes, I kissed the tears away.

"I love you too, so much"  
I lined up, looking back at her, I'd never let her get hurt, or feel any pain, just my love.

"Yes, please.... Just"  
She whined, I entered slowly, kissing her cheeks, her arms wrapped around my back, I moved slowly.

"You're mine... "  
I nuzzled her neck.

"I'm yours... "  
She cried, I wrapped my hands on her hips.

"You're so beautiful, so gorgeous"  
I looked into her eyes, moving more faster.

"Lance"  
She moaned, her nails softly clawing at my back.

"I'm never going to let you go after this"  
I smiled, tears running out my eyes, her face scrunched and eyebrows curved in pleasure.

"Don't ever"  
She shook her head, I kissed her.

"You won't have to worry about that"  
The slaps echoed in the room, her moans and mine, perfectly with each other.

"Mnn!"  
She whimpered little cute sounds, her nails drawing deep in my back, the pain was bliss.

"I'm always going to love you"  
I rocked my hips harder in her.

"I love you Lance... "  
She whispered.

The room was humid, with Love, her soul bounded with mine, I've found my soulmate. She's my life, and my next step mattered the most, snuggling against her soft skin. Her bed head was so cute, her curls everywhere.

Days passed, we made lots of love, and I made a decision, a year, I was going to marry her. I was going to ask under the stars, I had a whole thing planned out.

-


	6. Life

We stopped, for some reason, she wouldn't call me, wouldn't let me in her house. I had no idea what I had done wrong, it's been 7 months since I've seen her, I'm worried.

Where did she go, she still works at the flower shop, but everytime I come near the shop she hides.

I can't do this, I just want to know what I did wrong, where I messed up. All I did was love her, hold her, tell her I loved her. I wanted her, most of all I needed her, I needed her kisses, her hugs, her smile, I needed every part of it.

"Kathina! Please!"  
I banged on her door.

"What did I do?! I love you, I love you so much, I at least need an answer!"  
I wailed, sliding against her door, no answer.

"How selfish are you?! Don't you love me?! I love you!"  
I screamed.

"Go away"  
She timidly answered.

"Kathina... Please, what did I do wrong?"  
I asked, I heard a whimper.

"It was me"  
She said.

"Kathina... You did nothing wrong.. "  
I sighed.

"You'll be disappointed, you'll leave me"  
She was crying.

"I'm never leaving you, the only person leaving this relationship is you!"  
I cried.

"I know you'll just think it's too much"  
She snapped.

"Kathina... Whatever it is, I'm willing to walk through it with you"  
I worried.

"You're not ready"  
She whimpered.

"I was ready to marry you"  
I pulled the ring out of my pocket.

"What?"  
She asked.

"I was going to ask you to marry me... Please open the door"  
I pleaded, I heard the door open to a crack.

"Lance.... "  
She had puffy eyes.

"Please, open the door... "  
I asked.

"No"  
She said.

"Please, I don't want to force it open"  
I demanded, she looked down.

"No"  
She said again, I pushed the door, she tried to slam it closed.

"Kathina, this is ridiculous!! It's been 7 months!"  
I pushed it.

"Leave me alone!!"  
She screamed, I pushed the door and it broke, she ran to her room and slammed it shut.

"I'll replace the door, please... Stop hiding"  
I said, John smiled and ran to me.

"Daddy!"  
He hugged me, I started weeping, hugging the 5 year old in my arms.

"Kathina... Listen to me"  
I pleaded.

"Just go the fuck away!!"  
She yelled.

"Kathina... Please, come out of your room"  
I was crying.

"I... "  
She stuttered, I took the key on the top of the door, I opened it.

"Kathina... "  
I whispered, she was hiding behind the bed.

"Mommy"  
John smiled, pointing over where she was.

"Kathin-"  
I looked at her, she looked terrible, I looked at her stomach, my heart melted.

"I'm sorry"  
She cried, I put John down, bending down, I touched her stomach, I started smiling through tears.

"Why didn't you tell me?"  
I asked, She looked down.

"You're going to leave me, aren't you?"  
She cried.

"No, no... This.... Is my baby"  
I smiled, kissing her cheek.

"I was sure you were going to leave"  
She was shaking, I picked her up, setting her on her bed.

"Kathina, I want you, I need you, if anything our baby, it makes me wanna stay even more"   
I kissed her lips.

"I'm sorry... "  
She hugged me.

"Honey... Look at me"  
I cupped her cheeks.

"Yeah?"  
She asked, I smiled.

"I love you, I love them"  
I rested my hand on her stomach.

"Lance... "  
She whispered, I kissed her deeply.

"Marry me, please... "  
I pulled out the box, showing the ring.

"Aren't you mad at me?"  
She cried.

"I understand why, and I could never be mad at you"  
I kissed her cheek.

"I love you"  
She whispered.

"Then marry me"  
I held the box, she took the ring and put it on her finger.

"I love you so much!"  
I pulled her into a deep kiss.

"Mommy, Daddy"  
John got between us.

"C'mere"  
I pulled John into a hug.

"I love all of you"  
I whispered.

 _A baby_ , my baby, my Mami would be so excited if she was here. She'd be so happy to meet Kathina, and bring her into our huge family.

She moved in with me, I had a whole nursery set up, I had John have a whole room to himself. Although, I was one person, I've had a big house in hopes of starting a family, and that dream has come true.

Kathina is the cutest, eating a whole bunch, she told me she was going to be ugly once the baby was out, and how fat she was gonna get. I didn't care, I'd still find her beautiful, I don't get it.

She thinks I only love her body, but she is who I'm in love with, her eyes, her blunt personality. The way she bites her lip when she's trying to figure out something.

And yet, she surprises me more and more. But, everything seems so familiar, when she smiles, it reminds me of someone, but I've never met anyone like her. Her silhouette traces an outline of broken memories of a life I once knew. That memory I try to reach feels sad, like it wasn't meant to be remembered. But, I want to remember it, I want to know.

"Honey... "  
She shook me awake.

"Yes?"  
I asked in a raspy voice.

"Water.... Broke"  
She trailed, I jumped awake.

"Why are you so calm about this?!"  
I yelled, I threw on some pants and a shirt quickly.

"I... I've been through it before"  
She said, I sighed, throwing on my shoes.

"I'll get John! And some sandals for you!"  
I ran out the room, picking up some shoes for her.

"Daddy?... "  
John looked at me, I smiled.

"The baby is coming, and I need you to get up and get dressed"  
I said, He nodded.

"Okay"  
He got out of bed.

"Kathina?!"  
I ran back to her, with the shoes in my hands.

"Oh shit... "  
She held her stomach.

"What's happening?!"  
I bent down next to her.

"Contractions, I'm in labor Lance"  
She laughed, rolling her eyes.

"Give me your feet"  
I said, pulling them, I put her sandles on.

"Mommy?"  
John came through the door,

"John, sweetheart"  
Kathina smiled.

"Okay, we gotta go, good job buddy getting dressed!"  
I helped her get on her feet, walking her out the bedroom, I grabbed my keys, John followed behind.

"Is the baby going to come out?"  
John asked.

"Yeah.. They are"  
She held her stomach

"Don't make mommy hurt"  
He said to her stomach.

"Oh, they're gonna hurt"  
She rose a brow in sarcasm.

"I might faint"  
I sighed, I locked the door to the house, rushing to the hospital.

No one told me, labor was so fucking long, so very long. 16 hours of freaking out.

"She's crowning!"  
The doctor yelled out, I was so scared, there looked like there was a lot of blood.

"Fuck!" Kaithe screamed, pushing as hard as she could. I held her hand, even though my fingers were probably broken.

"You're doing good, mi amor" I whispered, kissing the top of her head as she breathed.

"Push again" The Doctor demanded quickly, She huffed.

"Come on, you can do it" I smiled.

She braced herself and pushed again. "Holy shit!" She hollered, the baby's head finally out.

"You need to push, two more times, and the baby will be out" He said.

She looked at me. "Lance" She was crying.

"Our baby is almost here" I looked in her eyes. "You've worked so hard to stop now" I shook my head softly.

She nodded lazily, resting for a few seconds. "Ahh!" She pushed super hard, my hand being squeezed to death. She stopped, her breaths becoming wavy.

"One more, then it's over" I promised her.

"Shit!!" She pushed the last time, the Doctor caught the baby. Taking the umbilical cord and snipping it off, the baby cried loudly.

"You did so good" I looked in her eyes, a smile stuck on my face.

"It's a girl" The Doctor put the baby in my arms first. I stared at the baby, it's cute face peaceful and calm. I bent down and gave the baby to her.

"She's beautiful" I whispered, kissing the top of her head.

Kaithe looked at the baby and began to cry, she cradled it close to her chest, combing through the baby's black hair.

"She looks just like you" I told her, kissing her cheek lovingly.

Kaithe kissed me, her tears wet against my face. "I love you Lance, I love you s-so much... I love both of you" She looked at the baby.

"I love you both too" I started crying.

"Maria says she loves daddy too" Kathy said through tears.

"Well, Maria loves her mommy as well" I gazed at her.

I had a baby now, little Maria was the most precious thing in my life. The day we took her home, I felt like I really belonged in this family.

It took a couple of months after the pregnancy for Kaithe to settle down. She was always hurting and bleeding, it hurt me to see her like that.

"Hey" I sat next to her on the couch, she fumbled for the blanket to cover herself.

"What did I tell you about that?" I huffed, laying on her shoulder. "If the baby needs to eat, let it eat" I sighed.

"I'm not used to a man being so... " She paused.

"Accepting?"

"Lance... Most men would tell me to do this somewhere else" She argued.

"But I don't care, breastfeeding is natural, all women do it, it shouldn't be seen as disgusting" I argued back, she stared at me.

"Sometimes I think you're too good to me" She yawned softly.

"Are you tired? I can watch the baby" I said.

"She's hungry... Everytime I take her off she whimpers... " She frowned.

I took the baby from under the blanket, she started crying softly. "Shh... Baby girl" I grabbed the binky from the end table, putting it in her mouth. She calmed down as I set her down on my chest.

"You always know what to do" She frowned, pulling up her bra straps and nightdress. "Where were you when I really needed you?" She joked softly.

"Shooting down Germans" I replied sarcastically, rubbing my baby's back softly.

"I love you" She sighed, curling up to me, I wrapped my arm around her, kissing the baby's head and then her's. I started to fall asleep there, feeling John snuggling next to me later.

-

"Maria come to daddy" I smiled brightly, she waddled softly, taking steps towards me. I gave her a huge hug when she came to my arms.

"You did so good!" I kissed her cheeks several times.

"Dada" She nuzzled my neck.

"Kaithe... She walked!" I picked her up and gave her a quick squeeze.

"I saw" She giggled, kissing the top of Maria's head.

-

"I do" I blushed, staring in her eyes, the white lace perfectly fitting her figure, Maria in Katie's lap.

"Do you take Lance McClain to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do" She giggled, tears clearly falling out her eyes.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife" The priest smiled.

I lifted her veil, flipping it over her face, seeing her pretty eyes. I leaned in and placed a soft kiss on her lips, lipstick tasting like strawberries. Only a few claps from friends echoed.

Everything felt slow motion afterwards, the dancing, singing. The drinks of champagne even tasted slow.

-

"I'm pregnant" She told me, I was sitting reading a book to John and Maria.

"What's pregnant?" John asked.

My face lit up with the biggest smile, I got up and gave her a huge hug, kissing her face multiple times. "I'm so happy!" I giggled, John was confused and so was Maria.

"Mommy is having another baby" I motioned them over.

"Another baby! I hope it's a boy!" John got off the bed and hugged his mom.

"I want it to be a girl" Maria said softly.

"Boy!" The 10 year old huffed.

"Girl!"

"Boy"

"It'll be whatever it is and both of you will deal with it" Kaithe raised a brow.

"I hope it's a girl" I smirked.

"Ha! Daddy agrees with me!" Maria pointed.

"Great, thanks" She stared at me.

"You know you love me" I teased, she punched my arm. "Ow!"

"That's what you get" She giggled, getting in my face, I wrapped my arms around her waist.

"I guess I deserve it" I leaned in and kissed her.

"Ew!" They both shouted.

"Oh, cork it! You two will be kissing when you're older" I rolled my eyes.

-

"It's way bigger than last time, I look like I'm due" She held her stomach, "Its only 5 months"

"Guess it's just a big baby" I said from the bed, reading a book.

"No baby is this big" She frowned.

"What if it has a tumor attached to it" I joked.

"That's not funny"

"It was funny to me" I giggled.

"If you just jinxed the health of our baby, I will kill you" She said seriously.

"I'm pretty sure it's just that you've got a little more weight than last time" I said sincerely.

"2 times as much weight isn't normal!" She pulled out her ponytail.

"Baby, calm down, I'm sure everything's fine" I patted the bed, she groaned and pulled off her dress putting a robe around her body.

"Am I really that fat?" She crawled up to me.

"You think I care, Kathina... Look at me" I pulled under her jaw to see me.

She looked away. "I don't know Lance, I worry a lot" She sniffed.

I reached under the robe and rubbed her stomach, feeling soft kicks as always, "The answer is no... I don't care, you should know that.. " I sighed, both my hands holding her stomach.

"I know, I'm just crazy okay..." She shook her head. I felt two kicks, different sides, she kept rambling as I felt it a second time

"Wait, I felt two kicks" I said.

"So? they have two legs" She looked at me like I was stupid.

"Can they do the splits?" I chuckled.

"No" She sighed, I touched her stomach.

"I think it's twins" I smiled.

"Doctor said he heard only one heartbeat" She argued.

"Doctor can be wrong, I shouldn't be feeling two different pairs of kicks" I kissed her neck.

"They never kick for the Doctor, but they kick for you" She sighed.

"I bet it's twins"

"Whatever makes you happy" She rolled her eyes. I kept kissing her neck, rubbing her sides.

"Argue later, sex now" I hummed.

"L-Lance, you're gonna hurt the baby" She pushed me away.

"Old folk's tale" I smooched her lips.

"Lance" She giggled, I kissed down her collarbone, undoing her robe.

"You're always so beautiful" I breathed, holding her soft breasts.

"Be careful, they're sore" She pouted, I kissed those pouty lips.

"I know" I whispered, kissing the sides of her figure, I placed a soft kiss on her stomach. "I love you" I looked in her eyes, those same lavender irises opening into mine.

My mind faded to an image of her, with a male figure, the same soft gesture in their eyes. The lavender color had the same feeling of security.

"Are you okay?" She caressed my face, waking me up from the daydream.

"Yeah, just... Had a funny dream come through" I laughed.

"Oh... Just, like, blanked out"

"Yeah darling"

-

"Be careful John, the baby is fragile" I gave him Veronica.

"Ew, a girl" He huffed.

"Here Maria" I set Marco in her lap.

"Wait, there's a boy and a girl?!" John beamed, excited about his baby brother.

"Yeah, Mommy worked hard for both of them" I stated, one had beautiful brown hair, with pale soft skin. The other dark brown with dark skin.

"Mommy loves you" Maria told her brother, giving him a kiss on the head.

"Be careful you two, the baby has a soft pallette on their head when their born, it's very important you don't press on it" I told them both.

"Okay" They said in unison.

I took out my Kodak camera, setting it up. "I want you to smile!" I grinned, setting it on the tripod, I hurried between my kids, pulling them in quickly, the picture flashed.

-

"How are the kids?" Kaithe asked, she had been in the hospital 3 days because of checkups.

"They're great" I held her hand.

"You feeding-"

"Yes, I'm feedin' them the milk you send" I rubbed soft circles in her palm.

"Thank you" She smiled, "I know it's a woman's job-"

"Stop, I'm helping... This isn't about you being a woman, I'm gonna be there every step of the way, we're equals Kathina" I whispered, kissing the top of her head.

"I don't deserve you" She started crying, tears falling out of her eyelids.

"I don't know what I did to deserve finding my soulmate" I kissed her wet cheeks.

"I love you"

"I love you too" I moved her bangs from her face, kissing her forehead.

-

"Bye!" Veronica waved, getting on the bus to school.

"Bye sweetie!" Kaithe called out, I waved softly.

"Bye mommy... " Marco hugged her.

"You'll be okay Marco, make some friends for me okay?" She bent down and kissed him on the forehead.

"Hey, little man... Do good okay!" I gave him a quick hug.

Kaithe smiled as the bus went off. I frowned. "They grow up so quickly" I sighed.

"They do... They'll always be our babies though"

"Yeah, I guess"

"But now... We have the house to ourselves" She giggled, mentioning it, she pulled me into the house, I closed the door.

"Are you mentioning what I think?" I kissed her, she pulled at my shirt, going to the kitchen. "I want you to make love to me on this counter" She roughly kissed me.

"Holy shit, okay, hold on" I pulled off my jacket.

-


	7. Hoping

"Sir, I'm afraid she has Cancer" I listened to the Doctor, "4th stage".

The words didn't register correctly, my world blaring out, my vision was blurry, how could this happen? How was this possible? Why did God hate me? What was I supposed to tell the kids, Marco and Veronica were only 10. How could I let them live without a mother?

"Chemotherapy is the only option we have.... " She continued. "I know you're upset sir-"

"Do it! Do whatever you can!" I snapped, tears spilling out my eyes. "Just try, try anything!" I panicked. "I just want a chance for her" I hiccupped.

"Yes sir" She immediately went away.

I held my hands in my face, sobbing. Why? Why, why, why, why? I hit the bench hard, a couple of nurses jumped.

"I hate this" I laughed like I was crazy. I felt crazy, this all felt like some fucked up dream. This was just a terrible dream, it had to be, just a nightmare, Kathina couldn't be dying. She was fine a week ago, how could something this horrible come out of life. She was all I had, all I loved, no one knew her like I did, no one knew me like she did. 15 years of marriage, she was barely 40. This wasn't fair.

"She's ready" The nurse told me, waking me from my thoughts.

I ran as fast as I could into that room, pulling up a chair. I could see the hurt in her eyes, my heart breaking.

"Hey... " She smiled, her lips wavering in pain.

"Hey" I smiled as much as I could, trying to hide my pain.

"Don't smile like that... I know you're hurting" She squeezed my hand, "I know you know" She lifted a hand and caressed my cheek.

Tears came out my eyes like an uncontrolled waterfall. I could barely see her through them, I put my head into the hospital blanket and sobbed on her lap. I didn't want to let go of her, I didn't want her to go, I wanted us to grow old together.

"I know" Her voice soft an comforting, as she ran her fingers through my hair. "I k-know.... I'm s-sorry Lance" She cried, kissing my head multiple times. "I'm so sorry" She wept.

"I d-don't want you t-to" I breathed.

"W-what?"

"To go... I want y-you to stay here... With me" I sobbed hard. "Kathina.. "

She shook her head. "I don't want to go on Chemo" She said, breathing out.

"W-what?" I lifted up, crying. "Why?"

"There's no p-point on giving false hope... I'm dying... There's only a small chance I'll live... " She laughed like it was a joke.

"Don't say t-that"

"I'm dying, get into reality Lance!" She shouted through tears.

I froze, memories played through my head. I shook my head. "Stop" I pleaded.

"I wish this was a dream, it's not" She laughed more. "I want to wake up as much as you do" She looked up.

"Fine.. " I got angry. "What are you g-gonna do, just sit here and die??" I gulped.

She held my hand, looking at out connected hands. "I just want to live out the rest of my life... Normally, to be with you and the kids, not stuck i-in.... This hospital bed!" She gestured her hands toward the room. "I just want you to pretend I'm n-not dying, that I'm here... Everything's fine, I want it to be n-normal" She sobbed.

I looked in her eyes, pain filled my heart, "Is this what you really want?" I asked.

"Yes"

-

"Mommy!" The twins ran to the door and hugged her.

"Hey Veronica, Marco" She smiled and hugged both of them.

"Where did you go?" Maria asked coming downstairs.

"It was just some checkups, they said I was just under a lot of stress" She told Maria.

"Oh, well, at least it was just that" She gave Kaithe a hug.

"Yeah, I'm glad to be back home" She smiled at me, I nodded.

"How about I cook up some dinner" I offered.

"Are you gonna make that fried rice?!" Veronica beamed.

"Yeah... I will" I gave Kaithe a peck on the cheek. I rubbed her side, staring into her eyes. "Go lay down, take it easy, okay?" I whispered.

"Let's watch a movie Mom" Maria helped her sit down.

"I wanna help cook!" Veronica dragged a stool.

"Alright, you can clean the rice" I stated, pouring it in the pot. She gleamed and rinsed the rice.

I cut up vegetables, trying to not cry, as much as the truth ate at me. I had to keep strong, for this family, for myself, and for most of all Kaithe.

"Done Daddy!" She giggled.

"Good job" I kissed the top of her head.

I spent the next hour cooking up the food. I set up the table and motioned all the family over.

We talked like things were normal, like everything was fucking great. I hated and loved it at the same time.  Maria talked about her boyfriend, and their date the other day. The twins learned about new science stuff at school. It felt so peaceful.

I caught Kaithe staring in the mirror at herself. Tears welled in her eyes, as I stared back. "Don't look at me like that" She looked at me, her puffy black hair on her shoulders.

"Like what?" I asked.

"Like I'm dying"

I sighed, I was finding it hard to not to look at her like that. "Whoever said that" I laughed.

"I know you"

"Well, I know you" I closed the door, going up to her.

"I love you"

"And I love you" I whispered, I kissed her neck.

"Lance" She moaned, I pulled her closer, picking her up bridal style and placing her on the bed.

"My Queen" I formally said, she giggled.

"My King" She booped my nose, giving me a quick kiss.

I touched her like I meant it, like every moment mattered, because it did, every moment could be the last. I watched her fall asleep, right next to me. I loved her, her soft cheeks and gentle wrinkles that never aged her appearance. I cried myself to sleep that night.

It became a pattern, smiling all day till she was finally asleep. I imagined a life without her, it was lonely, dark. I couldn't let her go, she was getting weaker and weaker everyday.

Sometimes I would get out of bed and go through the pictures of us, keeping memories in my bank.

-

"Wake up! It's Christmas!!" Veronica screamed, jumping on me. I stared at the clock, 7am.

Kaithe woke up and giggled. "Okay I'm up you two" She was dragged out by Marco, Veronica pulling me out of bed.

Maria was already downstairs, her smile bright and welcoming.

"Alright, Alright" She gleamed, sitting down, I yawned and got under the tree giving each person a present.

"It's officially Christmas!" I announced.

"Yay!" Veronica ripped open a gift, a porcelain doll was in a box. "Thanks Daddy!" She gave me a hug. Marco opened a train set. Maria opened some Makeup, and clothes.

We opened more and more presents until John showed up with his fiance.

"Hi momma" He gave her a hug, Kaithe kissed his forehead, having to step on her tiptoes since John was so tall. Maria gave Anna a big hug.

"Dad" He opened his arms, I laughed and gave him a hug.

"Merry Christmas" He whispered, Anna went out to the car and brought in some presents. "I heard mom was having health issues" He worried.

"It was just some over stressing, the doctors told her to keep it easy" I reassured a lie.

"Oh, thank goodness" He laughed, Veronica and Marco hugged at John's sides.

"Hey you two, you got so big!" He picked Veronica up and threw her over his shoulder.

"Here you go momma and pop" Anna gave presents to us.

"You didn't have to Anna" Kaithe softly said.

"I wanted to, plus it's a joint gift" She smiled.

"Alright" She opened it, a few relief lotions were packed in there and blankets. "Oh, thank you" She gave them both a hug.

I opened my present, it was a locket of our first picture together, before Maria was born. "Thank you, John" I started crying.

"Dad, whoa... You don't need to cry, it's just a locket".

"It's fine" I wiped my tears.

-

"Can you pass some of the ham?" Maria asked John.

"Yeah" He passed it over, "Anyways, so crazy as it was, I got told that my nigger ass wasn't supposed to be with a white girl" He laughed.

"Immature" Kaithe shook her head.

"I got told several times to get with a Spic when I was with your Mom in public" I rolled my eyes. "You just ignore it John, people aren't always going to accept you" I sighed.

"I know Pop" He smiled.

"I don't even understand why people are so cold" Anna looked at us. "Mustof been worse for you two... " She pouted.

"We got stares, and looks... Yeah, and Mom was attacked by people" I stated.

"And for that we always love Mom" John pointed his fork at her.

"I love all of you too" She giggled.

-

"Whatcha lookin at?" I asked over her shoulder, getting ready for bed.

"Old Christmas photos" She smiled, I sat down next to her, looking through them.

"You okay?" I asked, she nodded.

"Just wanted to get some good memories in, ya know..." She laughed, flipping the pages.

"Oh"

"You know I'll always love you Lance" She looked in my eyes, I saw the pain, stress and worry trapped in them.

"Yeah, I know" I whispered. "Ill always love you too Kaithe" I kissed her lips, they felt a little cold, "You cold?"

"Yeah, I was outside" That felt like a lie.

"Ill turn the heat up" I rubbed her side, getting up. I went to the gas and turned the nozzle. I came back in, closing the door.

"Lance, you were the most important person in my life" She told me, tears streaming down her face.

"So are you" I choked.

"I love you the most" She held my hand on that bed.

"I don't think I'll be able to replace this" I whispered.

"Hey... " She caressed my face, weakly. "Don't worry about that alright?" She kissed my cheek.

"Alright"

"Let's sleep" She pulled the covers over after putting the book up.

I pulled her to my chest, kissing the top of her head, her soft breathing becoming a deep sleep. I didn't cry, I just held my wife close, and smiled, taking in the weight on my body, the warmth of her body against mine.

-

I woke up to the sound of breakfast, pots and pans being messed with, I looked at Kaithe. All this noise should've woke her up, I sighed and shook her, no movement, her fingers were ice cold. Tears pricked at my eyes, I went for her pulse on her neck, her neck cold and lifeless, and worse no pulse.

I pulled her in my arms, holding her in my lap, I started crying heavily. "Please wake up" I pleaded, "I don't want this, please, you're everything I have" I cried, "Please" I sobbed in her cold chest. She was dead, in the most painfully peaceful way she could of. "Please" I begged. "Ill do anything" I whispered.

"Kathina" I kissed her soft cheeks, "I love you, please... " I kissed the top of her head. "Wake up" I said. "Wake up!" I snapped, rocking back and forth. "Please!" I shouted, I choked on a sob.

"No... " I shook my head, over and over. "No! This can't be true!" I screamed, pushing her hair out her face.

Maria came through the door worried along with Anna. "Please" I kissed her over and over.

"Dad, what's wrong with mom?" Maria asked.

"Pop-" Anna looked at her.

"I'm sorry" I cried, "I'm sorry, so fucking sorry" I looked at both of them. Maria covered her mouth, touching Kaithe's cold hand.

"Mom!" Maria started crying, my heart broke as I watched my baby cry over the death of her mother.

"Baby!" Anna called John.

John and the twins came upstairs, John came in the room. I held Kaithe more and more close to me.

"I thought you said it was just stress" John looked at her, obvious to everyone she was dead.

"I lied!" I snapped. "She didnt want to tell anyone... " I sobbed. "She was dying" I admitted the truth. "This whole time, she just wanted everything to be normal when she passed... And it was... Last night I had a feeling... " I cried.

Anna held John as he started to cry. The twins started crying realizing their mom was gone for good.

-

"She was the best woman I ever had" I said over her grave, "I loved her with all my heart" I whispered.

"She was the best mother, friend, sister and wife, I'd do anything to have her back" Tears fell from my eyes.

-

"They miss you" I breathed, a piece of lavender in my hand, "How's Shiro? I bet you two are watching over everything up there" I looked at the sky.

"Marco just left the house" I coughed.

"You have another grandson, you're missing out on a lot of things Kaithe... " I joked. "Remember how you said you'd never trust another man ever again" I felt tears fall out of my eyes.

"I still remember your eyes, soft lavender filled with love and hope" I sobbed. "I miss you, it's been 8 years and I can't forget" I wiped my tears.

"Is that bad?"

-

"Happy birthday" I put down flowers and smiled, my old fingers almost slipping on the vase.

"You would've been 82 today" I said, sitting down, "So many years have passed I'm wondering when God is going to let me go" I paused.

"Let me see you again" I breathed, no tears this time, "You've probably been watching over as always".

"Sometimes I wonder if I raised Marco and Maria good enough, I'll never get that answer from you though" I giggled.

"I think what I miss most is having you close to me" I said. "I still keep your clothes in that closet" I whispered. "You already know that.

-

"Is that your wife?" A youngster asked, I chuckled.

"Yep, I loved her a lot" I sighed.

"She's so beautiful" The woman smiled.

"She was" I laughed, thinking. "What were we talking about?" I asked.

"Your wife" She reminded me.

"Oh" I laughed. "Didn't remember sorry" I smiled at the caregiver.

"It's fine... " She injected my insulin, giving me antibiotics.

"You're so kind" I chuckled. "What's your name?" I asked.

"Jenny, You ask it everyday sir" She sighed.

"Sorry, I just don't remember" I sat back, rocking in my chair.

"You have Alzheimer's it's not that big of a deal" She gave me the blanket, it was warm and soft.

"Thank you" I smiled.

She nodded. "It's no problem sir"

I sat alone in that chair, thinking about Kathina, my throat dry and husk. I just wanted this to end, being lonely in this senior hospital, my kids at least visit me.

-

"Dad" John held my hand at the hospital bed, all my kids and grandkids around the bed.

"John, I think it's time we let him go" Anna kissed his cheek.

Maria sat by me, my head dizzy and fluid.

"Dad, we love you" Veronica smiled, tears streaming out her eyes.

"I love you too" I whispered. "I hope I was good enough of a father" I hiccupped.

"You were everything dad" Marco sniffed.

My breaths were shallow, and coarse. "Say hi to mom for me okay?" John joked, tears down his face. I looked up at the hospital light, the gleam becoming brighter.

"I love you" I whispered.

Memories flicked through my head, my kids, their kids, and most of all Kaithe. Suddenly I was in a white room, a figure standing on the other side.

"Lance" She ran to me, I hugged her so tight in my arms, never letting go, her dress turning into dark pants and face turning into a male one. "Kenneth?" I asked, remembering the name.

"Hey Lance" He kissed my cheek, "Wait... You were-" He kissed me, I sighed falling into the kiss.

"I love you, I don't have much time" The voice wavered from female to male. "I love you too-" I yelled, they disappeared, who? Who was they?

Who did I love?

_Lavender..._


	8. Strawberries

"Carmel Mocha in Tall for Andrea" I announced, Mariah Carey blasting on the radio.

"Thank you" She took it off the counter.

"Lana! You're gonna be late!" One of my coworkers reminded me.

"Oh shit!" I threw off my apron, hair net and my visor. "Thanks Aaron!" I ran out the door, getting into my blue Volkswagen. I turned on the ignition, driving the heck out of that driveway.

"Oops I did it again" I chimed with the radio, tapping my wheel.

"Top music for 95' next up Waterfalls by TCL" I didn't pay attention to the radio person at all.

I pulled into my University, humming the tune as I ran out. I beeped my car, locking it down. I pulled at my hair tie, letting my long hair fall down. I started running to my class, I'd be able to get there in time for sure.

Allen smirked at me as I sat down in my spot. "You were almost late" He gave me a smug look.

"Oh, shush" I waved him off, blushing my face off. Allen had dark brown soft hair and bright blue eyes, always wore pink and blue. And, yeah, he's my biggest crush.

"I'll shush when you get here on time" His british accent sounded snooty through his teeth.

"You're always gonna make fun of me... Aren't you?" I asked.

"Yup"

"Great" I rolled my eyes.

"Take your notes"

"How about you stay in your own beeswax!" I shouted in a whisper.

"Fine" He booped my nose.

"Ew" I rubbed it.

"Oh no, my germs got on you" He joked, waving his hands in exclamation.

I laughed softly, writing down the lecture. My head was pounding with my heartbeat, honestly he was so hot. He played basketball, and without his shirt I practically drooled. I just played hard to get so he'd make the first move, if he ever actually wanted to.

Honestly I looked pretty stupid still in my Starbucks uniform from work. I smelled always like coffee, but at least most people like the smell of coffee.

"Hey" Allen waved his hand in front of my face.

"Huh?"

"End of class, daydreamer" He laughed.

"Daydreaming about guys" I smugly slurred.

"Yeah, sounds like you" He smiled, walking down the lecture seats.

"Wait up!" I grabbed my purse, and my Nokia.

"I'm gonna be late" He lifted a brow.

"I'm coming"

"That's what she said"

"Hey!" I kicked his leg.

"Ow! It's just a joke!" He sighed, whining.

"Not funny" I huffed.

"It was funny to me" He split off from me to his next class.

I smiled and bit my lips, I wish I had that I had the balls to ask him out. Well, if he likes me he'll ask first. I walked to my dorm, I had a study block, so I was changing out of this uniform for sure.

Hunny was in the dorm, we've been best friends since 5. I could talk to her about anything.

"Did you forget to change?" She giggled, mentioning my work clothes.

"Yes" I groaned, throwing off my black work shirt, going through my options of clothes. I picked a tube top and some skinny jeans.

"You're definitely going to hear it from Professor Zak" She pointed to the clothes.

"Let him be sexist, I don't give a shit" I shimmied my shoulders.

"Always classic Lana Serrano" She rolled her eyes as I sat back on the small couch.

"So, what's up?" I got to the point.

"Math" She answered. "Dumb Algebra" She showed me.

"Weird, Algebra is always weird" I shrugged, letting the pause sink in.

"Okay, fine... Jannah is throwing a party this evening, she invited me, but she invited technically you, because she asked me to ask you to go" She finally told me the juice.

"Jesus, I thought I was going crazy that you were holding something back" I laughed.

"Yeah, well you read me well... " She flipped her book.

"I thought Jannah Griffin hated me"

"She doesn't, you just think everyone hates you" Hunny pointed out.

"True, but I am kinda a bitch" I snorted.

"Sometimes"

"Wow, thanks for the self-esteem boost best friend!" I retorted.

"Gladly"

"You're such a dick" I kicked her playfully in the side with my heel.

-

"Are you seriously wearing that?" My face scrunched up at the outfit she was wearing.

"It's comfortable" She argued.

"This is 1995 not 1967!" I groaned, pointing at the sandles. "You look like my Abuelita... I'm scared of those shoes!"

"Alright, what should I wear then?"

"That yellow dress, with my white feather boa, lift the hair up halfway, dry-wet, some white shoes!" I pulled all the things out as I talked.

"Alright.. "

"And absolutely yellow lipstick! It'll look great!" I pulled it out of my drawer.

"Don't I wear too much yellow?"

"Do what compliments you boo! And that dress, makes your huge tits stand out in a good way!" I argued, pulling the door as I closed it.

I looked at myself in the mirror of the bathroom. The tight blue rubbery dress and collar looked nice with my hair pinned up. My biggest insecurity about everything was my chest size. I was barely an A cup, which really sucked because my sister's all had D's. I'm also the baby of the family.

"How do I look?" She asked.

"Amazing!" I giggled, giving her a hug, I pulled out a camera and clicked a photo of both of us.

"You're always right about what best compliments a person" She checked the mirror.

"It's my job, now, let's go have some fun" I winked.

-

"You showed up" Jannah joked.

"It's a party with free Alchol, you thought I wouldn't show" I tilted my red cup in her face.

"Actually, no, I thought you thought I was too lame" She looked at me seriously.

"Nah, you're pretty cool and don't cause shit like you used to" I giggled. "Plus, party's pretty sweet" I sipped my cup.

"Well enjoy it" She waved me off, as I danced slowly into the crowd.

-

"Lana, I'm going home, you need to come with me!" Hunny yelled at me.

"No! I wanna stay" I whined, on the floor.

"I'm going! Let's go, you're wasted!" She picked me up from the floor.

"No!"

"Go!"

"No!"

"Fine, Jannah can you look after her? Don't let her go with anyone you wouldn't trust" She asked.

"Sure, the party's still going, sure you don't wanna stay?" Jannah asked.

"Gotta test in the morning, I was planning on leaving this early" She sighed.

"Well, I'll take care of her for sure" Griffin laughed softly.

"Thanks" Hunny headed out.

"Fuck!" I got up and balanced myself on the table.

"Be careful, don't hurt yourself, I'll come to check up on you later" She rubbed my back.

"Yeah, Yeah!" I slurred.

I felt so light, so free. My head was swirling but in the right way to forget the last time I was hammered. I made my way for more alchol, drinking up some more. It felt right, I felt a hand go up my thigh, then a crack of fingers.

"HEY! Keep your fucking hands off!" A girl crushed a guy's fingers.

"Fuck! It's not like she's gonna remember!" He argued.

"You don't know that!" She pushed him.

"Fucking Dyke" He rolled his eyes.

I was confused, looking at her through the flashing lights. She had dark hair, grunge makeup and huge tits. Those tits looked soft.

"Are you okay?" She asked me, I crashed my lips on her's.

"Woah! Hey... " She pushed me off, her eyes sparked with lavender, she smelled like _lavender._

"Sorry... " I stumbled, holding her.

"It's fine you're just really drunk" She smiled, her smile was so fucking cute.

_Her lips tasted like a rock song with strawberries._

"You're cute" I giggled, placing another soft kiss on those pretty pink lips.

"I'm pretty sure you're just drunk and I look like a guy" She chuckled.

"You're a girl, I know" I touched her sides, groping her boobs.

"Hey, Hey... Let's calm down" She grabbed my hands.

"I like girls" I kissed her cheek, what was I even saying? "You saved me from that guy hurting me" I nuzzled her. "Thank you" I kissed her jawline.

"Don't get ahead of yourself" She placed an arm around my waist.

"Are you gonna hurt me?" I asked, looking at her.

"No, I would never hurt anyone like that" She reassured me.

"That's hot" A guy cooed at us, She hissed at him.

"My name's Lana" I told her.

"Katherine" She ran her fingers through my hair. I felt so safe in those arms.

-

I woke up in someone else's apartment, on a dark couch, my head was pounding. The pillows were red, some black. I'm used to waking up with some guy next to me, sometimes without my clothes on.

"Geez" I got up and bolted to the bathroom, throwing up my guts. I hated this part of getting drunk, it sucked the most.

"Here, take these" I got handed some Advil, I looked up to a girl.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"Kathy... " She answered, her puffy black hair flowing through her brush. "You're Lana?"

"Yeah, sorry I was drunk"

"I know" She sighed, lending me a hand up.

"Thanks for uh... Taking me somewhere safe" I smiled, getting up.

"It's no problem"

"Did we do anything last night?"

"No... And even if you wanted to I would've said no"

"Great, cause I wouldn't be drunk enough to go gay anyways" I scoffed.

She giggled, straight up laughed in my face.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, just the fact that you kissed me last night, groped me and told me you knew I was a girl" She named off with her fingers.

"No"

"But you did, hey, there's nothing wrong with being a little bisexual" She lifted a brow.

"Look, I was drunk, delusional... And out my mind, nothing else"

"Alright" She snickered.

"Not funny!"

"It's pretty funny" She got in my face, my eyes tried their hardest not to gravitate towards her boobs.

"Not gay, but you're gonna casually stare at my tits" She looked in my eyes.

"Well, they're huge, get a breast reduction and I'll think about it" I scoffed.

"I'll give you some boob, you look like you need it" She teased.

"Asshole!" I yelled.

"Ungrateful"

"Yeah, well don't make fun of my small tits" I whined.

"Don't tell me to get a breast reduction" She crossed her arms.

"Deal"

She walked out the bathroom, her hips swaying perfectly in those shorts. What was I even thinking? Was I gay, a dyke, a lesbo? Kathy obviously was gay, with her teasing and stupid smirks.

"I left you some clothes on my bed, I'm pretty sure you don't wanna leave in a skimpy dress, with pretty pink lacy panties under them" She pulled out a pan.

"How-" I blushed brightly.

"You passed out on the floor, your dress kept riding up"

"Alright" I went into the room, it was decorated with band posters, the room painted dark red. Her curtains were black, and her bed was the same depressing color. Her vanity was a pretty antique flowery trimmed black mirror. There were lipsticks placed on the top of the dresser, assorted cherry colors and dark purples. She definitely was a grunge, with her 15 eyeliners out.

I picked up the clothes, it was a cute dark tee, with some leggings. It was better than what I was wearing.

I skipped to the bathroom, washed up my face, and threw off the dress I was wearing. I looked fine, at least that was good.

I walked out, seeing her cooking, "Done" I gestured to myself.

"Shit!" She almost burned herself.

"Be careful" I laughed.

"Stop startling me" She argued, her eyes locking with mine.

"What time is it?" I looked up at her clock. "Shit, guess I'm missing class today" I shrugged.

"What's your major?" She asked.

"Psychology" I answered. "I'm gonna become a counselor" I smiled.

"Listen to people's bullshit for a living, blame yourself for your suicidal kids" She laughed.

"Rude"

"Yeah well, just being honest" She handed me a plate with eggs.

"Why are you being nice to me?" I sighed.

"Cause you're cute" She stabbed her fork in her sunnyside up.

"Just cause I'm cute? I'm not even that attractive" I argued.

"Whoever told you that, is full of shit" She looked at me. "You've got a cute button nose, boys wrapped around your fingers, long brown hair and a cute smile... Everything a girl wants" She argued.

"Yeah, well you look like you've got some boys wrapped around your fingers too"

"I'm gay" She simply said. "Dick doesn't turn me on, so none of them are on my fingers" She laughed.

"Well, you do look like a dyke" I joked.

"Please don't use that term again, I hate that one" She gritted her teeth.

"Dyke?"

"Yes.. " She sighed to herself.

"Oh, okay, sorry"

"It's fine, it's just people use that word when they want to piss me off" She looked sad, I barely knew this girl, but somewhere down that face was some deep secrets. I guess, I just wanted to know who that person was.

"You need to get back home, right?" She asked.

"Yeah, but what about your clothes?"

"You'll just have to see me again to give them back" She winked.   
  



	9. Daylight

I snuck into my dorm, signing softly as I realized Hunny wasn't home. I was grateful, really grateful that this time I didn't end up in the bed of a random stranger's room. That happened too often. When I'm drunk, I get touchy, and even when I don't want it, it seems like I do. I guess I put myself in dangerous situations.

I fixed my makeup and put shimmer on, knowing at least it looked like I wasn't having a hangover. As I glided the lip gloss on my lips the roll on part slipping out as I pushed too hard.

"Damn ball" I picked it up and rubbed it  on my shirt, pushing it back in.

I stared at myself, touching my lips on instinct.

"Fuck" I rasped, breathing heavily, she pinned me against the wall, hands on my wrists.

"You're such a little tease you know that" Her tongue flicked on the t, as she whispered in my ear. "Tell me what you want pretty girl" She gave me a kitten lick on my neck.

"I want-" I whined as she trailed up my thigh. "You know what I want" I squealed.

"I can't hear you"

"Touch me Kath-"

I dropped my lip gloss, giggling like I was insane.

I did not just have a wet daydream about that Lesbo. I did not, its not me, this isn't me. Why did I care? Why did that little snake get to my head? She's just a cocky asshole.

And the cherry on top, she liked me. I don't know if I should be flattered or disgusted. Honestly, I just wiped my head clear of that shit. No more, I just need to give her back her clothes and be done.

I changed.

-

"Lana, how do you crush the beans down again?" One of the newbies asked me, I walked over.

"Put just enough, not over the top, a little hill like this, squish it with the tool" I showed how much and pressed it down.

"Uh, excuse me" A lady said at the register.

"Sorry, how can I help-" I stared at the girl, she took off her shades.

"Lana, I didn't know you worked here" She smiled, I wonder how that lipstick tasted.

"This is my shift, I only have mornings" I smirked.

"Oh, well... When do you get off?" She asked.

"Uh.... 2... I get off in 30 minutes" I said, chuckling.

"Well, I'll get that new frappuccino, in tall, and we can chit chat in 30 minutes" She smiled.

"Yeah, I'll get it for you" I put it on the register. "$2.39 is the total" I read it off.

"Here" She gave me $3. "Keep the change" She winked.

I stood still in a blur, blushing. "Lana?" The newbie tapped my shoulder. "We need the cold coffee right, for the frappe, I haven't made one yet" She giggled.

"Oh yeah! Sorry, I spaced out" I went immediately to get the ingredients out.

"Sarah!" One of the other co-workers who worked in the back put orders up on the counter.

I put them in the mixer, staring at Kathy without noticing it. It was fine until I noticed she was staring back, I quickly looked away.

I poured the drink writing her name on the cup. I smiled and wrote it in cursive. "Order for Kathy" I called out, she got up and took it off the counter.

"Try not to drink it too quick, you might get a brainfreeze~" I winked.

"Are you flirting with me?" She said seriously.

"No... Just a joke" I flustered.

"Alright" She sipped from the straw.

I got a couple of orders done, teaching the newbie a few more drinks. Was time really passing that fast? It was almost 2.

"Angela!" I called out another order. Completely ignoring the time.

"Lana, it's 2:15 your shift is over" An employee came to take my position.

"Sorry, you know how it gets" I laughed.

"Yeah" She waved me off.

I took off my apron, grabbed my purse and shoved my cap in it. Kathy smiled, still somehow sipping on that small Frappuccino.

"So, haven't seen you in a week... And I forgot to give you my number" She bit her lip. "Cause I kinda want my clothes back" She giggled shamelessly.

"Oh, yeah, we could head to my dorm right now if you wanted to" I offered.

"Kinda wanted to... " She fiddled with her hands. "Hang out a little, I mean... As friends, nothing else".

"Oh"

"Yeah"

"Well, we could get your clothes, I get ready and we could head to your house... Watch movies... " I paused. "We could go to Blockbuster!" I smirked.

"Blockbuster sounds nice, I just follow you on my bike, right?" She asked.

"Bike?"

"My motorcycle, Your friend picked you up last time" She said.

"Oh right, just.... " I giggled. "Follow my BMW" I gestured to the one in the parking lot.

"Cool" She got up with me, walking out the Starbucks. I looked over at her motorcycle, a classic black Harley, it looked new.

I walked to my car, pulling out the parking lot, taking a few glances at her in my side mirror, to make sure she was following me.

My work wasn't far from the dorms, so we got there quickly, even through the busy streets of LA.

"Gross" Kathy laughed next to me, looking at the building.

"What? What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing I just hate college"

"Oh" I laughed a little.

She walked inside, I headed in behind her, she knew exactly where the elevators were.

"What floor?" She asked.

"3rd"

She pushed the button, I took a few glances at her face, it looked so smooth. She was far too perfect to be alive, it sucked.

"Lana, you know it's weird to stare at someone" She turned.

"I was staring at your skin, it's super clear... What the hell do you use on it?"

"A shower?" She sarcastically laughed.

"Just a shower?!" I snapped, walking out the elevator.

"Yeah"

"Lucky" I huffed, getting my keys. "I have to use a face wash to clear my acne up" I opened the door.

"Nice place" She smiled slightly.

"Yeah... I decorated it with my friend Hunny" I closed the door, heading back to my room to look for the clothes. I searched my room and found nothing. "I mustof left them in the laundry room!" I called out.

-

"Alright" I called a bit loudly, the place looked like it definitely was mostly decorated by her, blue being her favorite color.... By the immense amount of the color prominent through her style.

And then there were her eyes, the soft pretty color of the deep ocean. Somehow I remembered them, as funny as it sounds.

I got up, I don't know why, I don't know how. But I started wandering and went into the kitchen, it was simple, yet cute. And another small hallway led to the rooms, the first one, was Hunny's, I could just tell.

Then I went into Lana's room, the smell of Lavender deep from the essence sticks she bought. The curtains were white, with a breeze of soft loneliness that could be felt from the room alone. It seemed like she was open to the world, yet no one wanted her. And Lana felt like she was all alone, even with her friends.

Her vanity was a baby turquoise color, and topped with bright eye shadows and sparkly jewelry.

"Hey!" She snapped. "What are you doing in my room?" She looked pissed.

"I was just looking around, you can empty my pockets if you don't believe me" I deadpanned.

"Ugh.... Fine, just ask next time, I have personal stuff in here dude" She breathed out.

"Oh, okay.... " I nodded, trying not to be awkward.

"I got your clothes by the way, we can head to blockbuster" She smiled, handing me the clothes. "Get the hell outta here"

"Yeah"

-

We got to my house with the movie Clueless, which of course, I've never seen. Lana practically was offended, but it was cute to watch her quote every line, even though this just came out in July.

"You remind me of Josh" She joked.

"So basically I'm an asshole?" I laughed.

"No, just a lawful asshole" She looked in my eyes, I smiled.

"You remind me of Cher, a prissy little girl" I giggled.

"Yeah, you can shut up now" She pouted.

"Cher's hot though" I noted aloud.

"Thank you" Lana flipped her hair on purpose.

"I thought you weren't a prissy little girl" I argued.

"Oh shut up" She threw a pillow at me.

-

"It's our 1 year anniversary, and you forgot" Lana pouted.

"How am I supposed to remember when I became friends with you?" I scoffed.

"I remembered" She gave me a bouquet of yellow roses.

"Yeah, well I didn't" I sighed, accepting the flowers. She looked so sad, I felt guilty. "Okay, we can go out to eat, if your boyfriend cuts his jealousy crap".

Lana jumped and hugged me close. "Kaden won't mind, we're just friends" She argued.

"That's what you said last time" I rolled my eyes.

"He's stingy"

"I know" I grabbed out my spare helmet. Her face lit up as she saw me take it out, she loved riding my bike with me.

"Let's get out" I closed and locked the door behind me, I tossed my helmet to her.

"Yay!" She happily put the helmet on.   
-

"Why do you keep letting this happen?" I asked, dabbing her scratch with an Alchol swab.

"I just fell Kathy... "

"Bullshit" I scoffed.

"He pushed me and I backed up too much and fell" She said.

I knew she was lying, I knew he was hurting her, and she just kept smiling. I leaned in and kissed the scratch. I wasn't thinking, nor was I really paying attention.

"Kathy... Thanks, you're the bestest friend in the world" She held her scratch.

"Sorry I-"

"No it's fine my mom used to kiss my scratches better, so... It just shows that you care" She looked in my eyes.

"I do care" I looked away. "More than you think" I whispered softly.

-

 


	10. Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: RAPE, AND ATTEMPTED SUICIDE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are triggered or have mental PTSD of Rape I suggest you skip this chapter.

"Were you at that Dyke's house again?" Kaden asked.

"She's not a Dyke, she's my best friend" I sighed, putting my coat up.

"Lana, she has a major crush on you" He argued.

I paused, of course I knew, I knew Kathy was in love with me. And yet...

"Hey? I'm talking to you, stop spacing out" He waved in my face.

"Sorry, I just blanked" I giggled.

"Yeah, you just 'blank' everytime I mention Kathy" He rolled his eyes.

"Kaden"

"Don't 'Kaden' me" He snarled.

Was he going to hit me again, I made him angry so it was my fault right? I was the one to blame... It didn't hurt all that bad anyways.

"I'm sorry"

"Honestly, Lana, what do you do when you go over there huh? Does she fuck you good? Better than any man can? Make you cum? Huh Lana?!" He yelled.

"No" I swore. "I wouldn't cheat on you" I promised.

"You're a dirty filthy whore, who lies to me"

"No I don't, I didn't lie" I pleaded.

"You did" He grabbed my wrist.

"Stop, Kaden calm down!" I snapped in fear.

"You're not hers, you're mine!" He kissed me against the wall.

"Kaden, please" I whispered.

"You're such a slut, I should show you your place" He caressed my face. "Right here"

"Kaden" I whispered, fear filled my gut, was he going to rape me? Was he going to hurt me? I should've stayed at Kathy's... We would've had some soup and cuddled watching TV... I would've been safe.

"You feel amazing huh?" His fingers touched me.

"Stop!" I pushed him off. "Don't touch me!" I teared up.

"Fine, we'll do it the hard way since you're not drunk" He giggled.

I covered my mouth, shock filled my head. The person that was supposed to love me, didn't love me at all.

"Pretty princess" He bit my ear, slamming me to the ground, he ripped open my shirt, buttons hitting the floor.

"Stop! Please!" I screamed, hitting him, nothing stopped him, I kept kicking him to get him off.

"Shut the fuck up" He punched me, I gasped "This is what you deserve bitch".

"Let me go!" I kept screaming. "Rape! Someone help me!" I pleaded, tears fell out of my eyes like a waterfall, my mind blacking in and out, his hand covered my screams.

"Lana, come here" It was a memory of Kathy, my last boyfriend cheated on me, and I was having trouble moving on.

"You're the most beautiful person in the world, you don't need some punk to tell you otherwise" She ran her fingers through my hair, as my head rested in her lap.

"You're everything to many people already... You mean so much to me... " She whispered the last part. "I wish you would see how much some people already love you... " She smiled. "I love you" It was barely audible, but for some reason I decided to not remember it.

I denied it, I denied that someone was so good to me and I decided that I didn't need her.

"Fuck that felt good" He kissed my neck, my cheeks were stained with tears, and my jaw hurt from screaming.

"You're so beautiful.... Gosh Lana, why did you fight it? You felt good after a while too... " He chuckled, pulling the rubber off his dick.

I felt more tears fall out of my eyes, I felt disgusting.

"I know, I'm sorry, but I had to show you" He pulled his pants up, he lifted me off the ground.

"Let's get to sleep, you'll come back to me in the morning, it's a little shocking to everyone their first time" He cradled me down the hall, I couldn't think, all I could do is cry.

He put me on the bed, I tried to cover my chest, cover everything under the blankets. His arms wrapped around me, and all I could do is lay there, lay and sob quietly.

-

I woke up and crawled out of bed, my hair was a mess, and there were hickeys and bruises all over me, my lipstick was smeared.

I was a victim

And I needed help, I needed to get out of here. I stole one of his shirts, since I didn't have any and he ripped my button up. He was still asleep, I needed to work fast, I ran quietly down the hall, and grabbed my purse. There was blood on the floor right next to my shoes.

I slipped them on, closed the front door as quietly as I could, I pulled out the keys to my BMW.

I ran as fast as I could to that car, slamming the door and starting the engine. I drove fast, my head hurt, my heart raced, I didn't drive to Hunny's I drove straight to Kathy's.

I ran to the elevator, clicking that 4th button as fast as I could, for all I know Kaden could find me, he could be following me.

Worse he could be out to kill me.

As soon as those elevator doors opened, I dashed down the hall. Apartment 146, I banged on the door, frantic, paranoid, sick.

"Geez, Lana, its 7am" She scratched her poofy black hair.

"Let me in" I dashed passed her.

She closed the door behind her, staring at me as her sleepiness subsided. Her eyes became worried.

"What happened?" She sat next to me, I looked away. "Lana, look at me" She demanded.

"I can't" I cried, tears fell out my eyes.

"Lana?! What happened?" She yelled.

"Nothing"

"That's bullshit, you look like you just escaped a horror movie" She gestured to me.

"I'm sorry" I looked at her, my tears becoming worse.

"Lana... " She wiped my tears, pulling me into a hug.

"I'm so sorry, I should've listened, I could've... " I mumbled through sobs.

"Nothing is your fault okay?" She caressed my face, cupping my cheeks.

"Ah!" I flinched, her thumb touching a bruise.

She looked at my neck, seeing the hickeys, at first her face hinted jealousy. But as I looked away, her eyes became wide with understandment.

"I tried to calm him dow-"

"What did he do?" She asked seriously.

"Kathy"

"What the fuck did he do to you?" She made me flinch.

"It's nothing" I promised.

"You came here for help, I know it" She looked like she was in pain. "What happened?!" She snapped.

"I-"

"Tell me!" She scoffed and teared up. "You need to fucking tell me Lana!"

"Kathy please"

"I can't sit here and guess" She sighed as a tear fell down her cheek.

"I can't it's.. "

"What did he do? Rape you?!" She sarcastically said. "Is that why you can't say anything?"

I sat still, I looked down, away from her gaze. I hid in her chest, crying softly, as it got worse I was hiccuping.

"I'm gonna kill him" She got up.

"I'm gonna fucking kill him!" She screamed.

"Kathy"

"There isn't anymore hold backs anymore! This is the last straw for him Lana!" She threw off her shirt, and went to her room. She came out with now clothes on, pulling out her cigarettes.

"Kathy please"

"No" She slammed the door behind her, I curled up in her blanket, scared but safe at the same time.

-

"What do you want bitch?" Kaden asked me.

I laughed and blew smoke in his face. "Look here buddy, I'm gonna be making the rules here now" I said softly.

"Says who?"

"Says this knife" I pulled it out.

"You think I'm afraid of you bitch" He scoffed.

"Alright, you want the hard way huh?" I kicked him in the nuts with my steel toe boot.

"You see, my sister was in the military for 5 years" I laughed. "They say hitting in the scrotum can paralyze a man in the middle east if you kick hard enough" I said through his groaning.

"They also say that bending an arm backwards can bust your arm out" I walked around him. "Or kicking you in the throat can fracture your airways".

"Now none of this is life damaging, nor will ever amount to the pain of raping a woman!" I screamed.

"You see, when you rape a woman it makes you a punk ass bitch, and your manhood amounts to as much as a fucking mouse!" I yelled.

"A real man, would treat his girl right" I kicked his side. "A real man would ask before he fucking touches! A real man would never hit his woman to get respect from her! Because it's the only damn thing he can do because his daddy used to hit mommy and he thinks it's okay" I spat in his face.

"Now if you ever touch Lana again, or even as much as talk to her, I will slit your fucking throat no remorse, and I know how to melt a body to where you never existed" I held the knife against his throat.

"Or if I really wanted I could ask my mom to delete your records, so no one would ever know" I smirked.

"Do you understand pretty boy" I looked him in the eyes with burning rage. He nodded quickly.

"Get the fuck outta my sight before I kill you!" I puffed another smoke. He ran fast as he could to his car.

-

"He's gone" I came through the door.

Lana was asleep, soft and this time she was safe. I picked her up gently, putting her on my bed, covering her up with covers.

I had to go get her her clothes. I'm pretty sure she was going to need some time. I felt horrible that I wasn't there to save her, but at the same time there was nothing I could do.

I got on my bike and headed for her house, opening the door up. I got to her room, grabbed her basic makeup bag, and things she needed. I also grabbed food out of the fridge. I packed it all up in this bag I brought, next step was to call her boss.

"Lana what's up? You didn't come in today.. " He said.

"I'm sorry Mr. Smith uh, Lana... She needs the next week off, this is Kathy.. "

"Oh, what happened?"

"She had some pretty terrible things happen to her over the weekend, and was in the hospital... The doctors set me up with her for the next week to watch over her" I lied, but I really couldn't tell the truth.

"Alright, tell her I said to get better soon, paid leave" He sighed.

"Thank you, I will... Bye"

"Bye"

I locked up the house, getting on my bike again. I headed home, thoughts racing my mind, I wished I killed him.

-

"Thank you" She smiled as I gave her some soup.

"It's fine" I watched her.

"Kathy... I'm tired of this"

"The soup?"

"Feeling like a slut" She looked away.

"You're not a slut" I held her hand.

"You know, he's raped me several times while I was drunk and I had no idea" She laughed. "He fucked me over and over and said I was a moaning slut wanting more" She dropped her spoon in her soup.

"Lana, he was crazy... He could've said anything to manipulate you" I promised.

"Yeah, well... It worked didn't it... Huh Kathy, he fucked me... Got what he wanted... " She scoffed. "I just want this to end"

"I want it to end for you too" I rubbed circles in her palm.

"Like you would know?!" She snapped, I widened my eyes. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to yell".

"It's okay" I looked in her eyes, the dimmest bit of sparkle in them.

"I just want to be normal"

-

"Lana! Stop!" I grabbed the pill bottle from her. "Stop it! God fucking dammit!" I screamed.

"Give it back!"

"No!" I poured them in the toilet, flushing them.

"Why would you do that?" She started crying, looking at the toilet.

"Because you're worth more than that!" I snapped, bending down.

"No I'm not, I'm just a stupid whore" She said to the toilet.

"Lana, stop talking about yourself like that!"

"Why? Why should I stop... it's true, I let guys fuck me up and down in college when I was drunk... " She laughed.

"You didn't know what you were doing, it's not your fault" I sighed, cupping her pretty face.

"You're only biased because you've got a huge Dyke crush on me" She scoffed.

"No, you're wrong" I said.

"Yeah, it's obvious... Don't try and lie to me".

"You're wrong"

"How?"

"Because it's not just a crush Lana, I love you" I smiled. "You're so amazing, and you don't even see it... You've got this smile that makes me loose all control, and you always brighten up everyone's day, you're always kind, you always care... You listen... And actually want to be around me" I sighed. "I don't have many of those people".

She looked me in the eyes, as they teared up more. She smiled, laughing softly. "I didn't know you could be so sappy... "

"Yeah, well I'm only sappy because of you" I giggled.

She hugged me close, her nose nuzzling my neck, I ran my fingers through her soft hair. "I love you too" She whispered, my eyes widened, a huge smile spread across my lips. "I have for a while, I was just scared... " She sniffed.

"It's okay, I waited" I joked.

"Dumbass" She hit me.

"I know I'm one" I grabbed a tissue and wiped her tears, her eyes sparkled brightly.

"I think... " She paused. "I want you to be my girlfriend... " She covered her mouth. "Gosh, that's really hard to believe when I literally almost killed myself 10 minutes ago... ".

"It's fine, I'm happy to be your girlfriend, your best friend or maybe even your wife someday... Whatever you're comfortable with".

She looked at me. "Being your wife seems like a pipe dream to me right now" She laughed.

"Yeah... Well, maybe you're setting your standards way too low" I stared in her eyes. I leaned in softly, pulling her face in.

Her lips were chapped, but still soft, for once I felt like I was home. For once I felt like I was truly in love. Her cheeks were wet from tears. And her whole face felt soft.

"Gosh" Lana giggled loudly. "That was amazing, where did you learn to kiss like that?" She asked.

"I didn't... That was... My first kiss" I laughed, flushed all to shit.

"Holy shit, dude you're like 24?! How was that your first kiss?" She scoffed.

"Well, all the other times were drunk girls or guys who I pushed off" I noted.

"I can't believe I stole your first kiss" She smiled.

"Well, I kissed you... So, you didn't steal anything" I argued. "But you are my first kiss".

"And your second one" She gave me a peck. "Maybe a third if you're feeling frisky" She bit her bottom lip.

I pulled her in again, I never tried a French kiss but now I was. She gripped my hair softly, that was a turn on. I rubbed her side lovingly, she was finally mine, safe and mine.

"I love you" I whispered, pecking her neck.

"I love you too" She said back.

 

 


	11. Troubles and Heartships

"You want me to come with you to Arizona to meet your family?" I asked.

"Yeah you're my girlfriend... And my mom is super excited to meet you" Kathy gleamed.

"Your parents aren't.... You know, homophobic?" I picked at my pasta.

"No, my mom and dad are bisexual... And my older sister Takana is Lesbian as well... She has her wife Addy" She explained.

"Oh" I smiled. "Then... I'll be happy to meet them... " I giggled.

"They already love you just by some pictures I sent through the mail" She rolled her eyes.

"Your dad's name is Kole right?" I was confirming.

"Yeah, mom's is Hannah" She looked at her plate. "You never talk about your parents... Or your family".

"I cut them off when I was 18, it doesn't matter really... " I sighed. "I have you to be my family" I blushed.

"I'd love to have a family with you" She breathed out.

-

"Lana right?" Hannah lended out her hand.

"Yeah, that's me" I laughed, shaking her hand.

"You're so pretty" Her thick south accent came through.

"Thank you" I brought my suitcase in, Kathy closed her camero trunk and followed behind me.

"Hi momma" Kathy gave her a huge hug.

"Hi baby girl" She gave her a peck on the cheek.

I walked a little passed the greetings. Then I met Kole, he was tall and silent, scary in a way, with two huge scars on his cheeks.

"Hello sir" I smirked quietly.

"Are you Lana?" He asked.

"Yeah" I whimpered a little.

He chuckled a little. "The scars scare everyone at first, and the fact that I'm tall... " He smiled. "There's nothing to be afraid of, I don't bite" He lended out his hand.

My fingers looked dainty against his palm, he probably could crush me with one hand. "Nice to meet you" I shook softly.

"Dad, are you scaring Kathy's girlfriend already?" This girl with long straight black hair asked.

"Kana, I scare everybody" He laughed.

"Dad" Kathy gave him a warm hug, suddenly seeing a softer side to him made it less scary.

"Where's my hug?" Kana pouted.

"Dad gets longer hugs... I see you all the time" Kathy looked at her.

"Touche" She shrugged. "Well, anyways... I'm Takana... Older sister" She shook my hand.

"To be honest, I actually know most of your names" I giggled awkwardly.

"Oh... Well, introductions aren't that hard to do again" She laughed.

"Baby? Did Kathy come home?" I heard yelling down the hall.

"Yeah" Kana yelled, I heard bolting down the hall.

"Is her girlfriend-" She paused and looked at me. "You're gorgeous... " She pushed up her glasses.

"Thank you" I blushed again.

"Yeah she's gorgeous and completely off limits" Kathy wrapped her arms around me.

"Like I'm going to go after her, I'm married" She wrapped her arms around Kana.

"Good" Kathy walked passed both of them down the hallway. I followed down the hall to the last room.

It was dusty, but it used to be Kathy's childhood room. The room had red roses everywhere and it seemed to be the theme of the space. The white is what caught me off guard.

"Yeah I know not much like me huh?" She closed the door.

"No... I think it represents what's on the inside of you" I sighed lovingly. "It's sweet".

"You're such a sap" She laughed.

"I know" I giggled, putting my suitcase against the wall.

"C'mere" She opened her arms, I hugged her closely.

"You look frightened" She breathed out.

"Cause I am, it's a lot of pressure to make a good impression" I nuzzled softly in her chest.

"Just be yourself, be the Lana I know... " She pecked my lips.

"What if they don't like that Lana?" I pondered.

"They will" She smiled. "I promise".

-

"Kathy used to eat the dog food with him" Hannah laughed.

"Moooom" Kathy groaned.

"She used to pretend she was a dog all the time too, get on all fours and bark when she was little" Kole mentioned.

"Stop" Kathy was so embarrassed.

"That's so cute" I giggled, eating more off my plate.

"Oh, she was the cutest, she used to scrunch her hair in middle school... Cyndi Lauper was her favorite singer" She laughed.

"Oh and Queen!" Kana brought up.

"She still loves him" I told them. "We listen to Queen and Guns n' Roses all the time, it's on repeat" I laughed.

"They're good bands" Kathy argued.

"She hates when I put on Spice Girls, or anything remotely new" I rolled my eyes.

"Because they suck" She huffed. "This new generation is obsessed with hip hop" She ate her food in judgment.

"My generation was the Beatles" Kole smirked.

"But the Beatles were good!" Kathy breathed.

"They were" Hannah smiled. "But music changes" She argued.

"I still don't like it" She sighed.

"She doesn't like it, but she likes it when I move my hips to it" I whispered across the table.

"Shut up!" She was flushed to her ears.

"It's true" I crossed my arms, the whole table laughing.

-

"You okay?" She ran her fingers through my hair.

"Mmm hmm" I nuzzled in her chest.

"You sure?" She asked.

"Just... " I sighed. "I haven't had a Christmas Eve dinner since I left home, it felt really nice to be part of a family again" I wrapped my arms around her hips.

"Yeah?" She giggled. "Well, it felt nice to have you here with me" She kissed my lips, rubbing my back softly.

"Thanks for bringing me, Kathy" I entwined our fingers. I heard a few noises from outside our door.

"You gotta be kidding me" Kathy groaned.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, no sleep tonight" She rolled her eyes.

"Why-" I paused, moans coming from next door filled my ears.

"Shut the fuck up!" Kathy yelled.

"It's Christmas, let them be Kathy... " I pulled her back down to sleep. "They're having fun" I giggled.

"Loud as fuck fun" She mumbled.

"I just wish... " I paused, letting it go, I loved Kathy, I loved her lots, but I couldn't bring myself to have sex with her. I just, I wasn't ready, memories kept coming back even at the slightest makeout session.

"Lana, it's okay, we don't need sex to be happy" She caressed my face gently.

"It's important to me and I-" I teared up. "I can't even do it" I cracked.

"Oh Lana.. " She pulled me into a hug. "It's okay, we can do it whenever you're ready, I wouldn't ever push you" She kissed my forehead.

I cried softly, I was so frustrated with myself, completely furious. "I just wanna be normal" I whispered.

She cupped my face gently, giving me a soft kiss. "You are normal my love" She sighed. "You're a human being" She pet through my long hair.

"I don't feel normal" I mumbled, too soft for her to hear.

"I love you Lana, no matter what your flaws are" She said seriously. "You're mine" She nuzzled in my hair.

"I'm yours" I hummed, my eyes becoming droopy.

"I love you" She said again.

"I love you too" I fell asleep after that.

-

"Open up your present" I giggled, handing it to her.

She unwrapped it slowly. "Is this a guitar signed by Kurt Cobain?!" She squealed. "How did you get this?!" She smiled super bright.

"I get around" I smirked.

"You don't just 'get around' by getting this, it mustof cost like hundreds" She exclaimed.

"$300" I coughed out.

"Lana... " She whined, giving me a huge hug.

"I love you so I had to get it" I laughed, hugging back.

"This is... Ugh, it's... " She was at a loss for words.

"You're welcome" I smiled.

"Thank you" She sighed, giving me a kiss.

Kana looked over at the guitar. "You need a hookup system for this electric guitar though" She said.

"Oh, it works it's just more of a decorative item" I said.

"Yeah, Kana" Kathy stuck out her tongue.

"YeAH KaNa" She mocked Kathy.

"Anyways, I got you all presents too" I pulled them out, handing each a present.

"Oh, bless your heart" Hannah lifted up the necklace she got.

"You didn't have to get everyone presents" Kathy whispered.

"I wanted to" I said.

"Work boots" Kole smiled. "Thank you" He smiled.

"You're welcome" I anxiously breathed out.

"A barrette... It's so pretty" Kana held it. "Honestly you're so sweet".

"Thank you, and... You're welcome".

"What is it?" Addy asked, fumbling with the fabric.

"Oh, it's an old antique dress, here.. " I grabbed the box and pulled it out. "Kathy told me you love the 1950s so... I got an old dress from then" I handed it to her.

"It's beautiful" She smiled. "Thank you so much"

"You're welcome" I sat back down.

"That's enough of you giving out presents" Kathy sighed. "Now it's your turn" She handed me a box.

I opened it slowly, and looked inside. It was a framed picture of a photobooth clip. But then what hit me was it was the first photo we ever took together.

Kathy signed it,

' _You'll always be my very best friend Lana, I wouldn't trade it for the world'._

- _1995_

I traced the frame and sighed happily, "I can't believe that was 3 years ago" I teared up.

"Me either when I found it" She grabbed my hand.

"This is so nice... " I cried, giving her a kiss on the lips.

"You're welcome" She kissed my cheek.

"I love you so much" I wiped my tears, her mom aweing softly.

"I love you too, Lana" She giggled, cupping my face. "You don't have to cry about it, plus I have another present" She grinned.

"Another one?" I pondered.

"Yep, this one you're gonna love" She pulled out an envelope.

"Is it a Victoria Secret card?" I sniffed up my tears.

"No" She giggled.

"Oh, okay" I opened it, getting out the card. "To my favorite someone" I read the front.

Everyone knew what this present was, because they were all leaning to see as I opened it.

"Tickets to... " I read closely. "Spice Girls?!" I squealed. "Thankyouthank  
youthankyou" I hugged Kathy super tight.

"You desperately wanted them" She wheezed.

"I love you so much!" I peppered kisses on her face.

-

I stared at my body in the mirror, something always about it made me angry.

I was too tall, too thin, and was a stick. I had nothing, Kathy seemed to disagree, but I don't even think she's seen my real body. What's under the clothes.

"Whatever" I sighed, turning on the shower.

"Lana, have you seen my-" I quickly shot my hands to cover my boobs. Wide lavender eyes trailed away from me. "I'm so sorry, I should've knocked" She covered her eyes.

"Well, it's too late now" I huffed, grabbing my towel. "You can look".

"Have you seen my brush, I couldn't find it this morning" She sighed.

"I used it, and it's on the vanity" I said.

"Alright" She closed the door behind her.

Tears pricked my eyes, yeah, Lana, she's gonna come in here and praise your body before you get in the shower. Honestly, what kind of horseshit is that?

I cried softly, not to be caught, shit like this hurt. I sat alone, thinking about myself. I wondered how many other people had seen my body, how many other people-

I needed to stop or I was going to have another panic attack. I got in the shower and got my loofa. I poured body wash on it, gliding the suds on my body.

I imagined the loofa was Kathy, trailing my sides, arms, legs, neck... I stopped, dropping the loofa. I sat on the tub floor, sobbing, I couldn't do it. I couldn't love like that. I felt like a slut, why have sex with another person and add to the tally marks.

But Kathy was different, she loved me, she told me all those people who took advantage of me were assholes. She told me that it wasn't my fault, that each of those people raped me. I've always woke up in clothes next to her, with her arms wrapped around me.

In my sick messed up mind, I was a slut, and anymore sex would make me more of one.

Fuck that

Just fuck it, I'm tired of worrying, Kathy knows, and she's the only one that matters. She knows of the people I've sleeped with, and doesn't care.

I touched my breasts, closing my eyes, for the first time in a year, I could touch myself.

And I don't know exactly if that's an accomplishment, or a new thing.

-

"How was work?" Kathy asked.

"Good, I had a kid finally open up to me" I smiled. "What about you?".

"The usual paperwork and managing" She laughed subtly.

"Ah, you got work tonight right?" I asked.

"Yeah, 7-12... I'll be leaving after dinner" She said.

"Think you're gonna fire the newbie?" I snickered.

"For missing this much work, yeah" She rolled her eyes. "There's no excuse to miss this much work sporadically" She groaned.

"Hmm, then you'll have to hire a new person" I smirked.

"Yeah, annoying" She scoffed with a chuckle.

"I love you" I looked in her eyes.

"You make everything better don't you?" She giggled.

"It's my job, I'm a counselor, remember?" I ate more steak.

"Okay, Mrs.Got her degree, and can one up me" She stuck her tongue out.

"It's 6:30.... Kathy" I smirked widely.

"Fuck you" She got up and put her dinner in a container. "You're lucky I love you, and you made dinner" She sighed.

"I wub you~" I teased.

"Love you, bye" She gave me a quick kiss and grabbed her bag, heading out the door.

I sighed and looked in my cup of coffee.

-


	12. What I Decided

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -SMUT CHAPTER-  
> Guys.... It's just pure filth...

I opened a drawer quietly, why was I even opening quietly I have no idea. Nobody was home, nobody was around.

I stared softly at the silicone collection. Okay, you know what, yes, Lana Serrano, they are dildos, stop lying to yourself.

And all of them weren't mine, they were Kathy's. We've been living together for a year, and I was looking through the drawers for something and found this drawer.

I pulled them out, was this a bad idea, yes, did I care... Slightly... Not only were there dildos but there was other stuff I had no idea about. Like tails with cones on the end, or fluffy dark red handcuffs, and a handle with tassels on the end.

I didn't know my girlfriend was so kinky, but I'm kind of glad her facade of biker chick met the bedroom expectations.

And then there was lingerie, ropes, and jesus... A strap on. I looked at the lingerie, confused, it definitely wasn't her size, her boobs would rip the whole thing.

I pulled off my clothes, pulling over the one piece. It was meant for me, or in Kathy's hopes one day for me.

I felt like I was failing as a girlfriend  
As much as Kathy said she would wait, it didn't mean she wasn't at least hoping. I stared in the mirror, the lace sleeves, and see through bra piece was pretty, my stomach exposed, and lace continuing to a see through panty piece.

There were ribbons poking out near my crotch, I pulled them thinking it was a stray away. And that opened up my whole crotch, jesus... I felt slightly confident, like, being in this pleased her.

I sighed, sitting on the bed, I looked in the mirror. I got up more on the bed, placing my head in the pillows.

I closed my eyes, imagining Kathy reacting to seeing me in this. Her lustful smile made my knees buckle.

"Fuck, Kathy" I breathed, cupping my breasts, imagining her kissing my neck and slowly stripping. Her snow white lace hands massaging my hips.

I pinched my nipples through the lace, moaning under my breath. "Yes" I huffed, my lips quivering. "More please" I whined.

She licked the shell of my ear, her hand traveling to my core. I was soaked, I moved my fingers in place of her own, circles and circles, until I was whining and moving my thighs.

"Kathy" I moaned loud, "Yes, baby, fuck, I want it... " I begged aloud. "Mnn" High pitched squeals left my throat, I could feel my clit becoming more and more sensitive.

"I'm gonna cum baby" I knitted my brows together, a heap of heat pooling softly. I felt myself cry out loudly, my eyes fluttering softly.

I breathed heavily, coming down from my high, I looked over at the vibrators.

"Fuck" I laughed a little, getting up. I grabbed a random one, it was black and remotely unrealistic, which was good.

I grabbed what looked like the remote to it. I flipped the switch, it had such a strong vibration, I almost flinched. I clicked off button, setting it on low.

I sat back on the bed, looking over at the spot I just came at. I mentally facepalmed that I forgot a towel.

I pulled a towel under me this time, breathing out, this would be first time I've tried a dildo. I sat on it slowly, breathing out.

Memories shot in my head at the pinch, tears fell down my cheeks. I had to get through this, I wasn't going to let him ruin this.

I was going to be able to be ready for Kathy, I wiped my tears. I imagined Kathy laying down with a strap on. It was her, holding my sides and whispering I was fine.

I lifted slowly and slammed back down, screaming out at the pleasure. I kept going, biting my quivering swollen lips. I kept going in a rhythm that felt like I was a cat in heat. I grabbed the remote and turned up the intensity.

"Kathy!" I came screaming, squirting a little. I stopped, gasping for air, I licked my lips, humping softly on the dildo.

My breath hitched, as I continued to build up an orgasm again. I looked in the mirror, my face looked so erotic, I was slightly sweaty, and my hair was a little bit of a mess.

"You like that Kathy" I mocked the mirror. I increased my pace, whining and squeaking.

"Katharine... Katharine... Fuck, Fuck me good" I giggled through moans. "Kathy, Kathy... Gosh, Fuck, Kathy" I kept repeating her name, putting the vibrator on high.

"Kathy!" I kept screaming.

"Lana?!" I turned around, my heart fell three times, guilt and embarrassment clogging up in my throat.

She didn't speak, all she did was look up and down my backside at the whole scene.

"I-" I couldn't speak.

She slammed the door quick behind her. I gulped, the vibrator still humming inside me, I turned it off. I was an idiot, a complete idiot. I pulled the dildo out of me, going to the bedroom bathroom, I grabbed the toy cleaner and washed it. I put everything back in the drawer.

Including the lingerie.

I felt terrible, did I just jeopardize our relationship. Then I thought about what I did, how did that sound? My girlfriend masturbates to me but won't have sex with me. I started crying, I was a horrible person, I was a slut.

Slut.

The word played in my head like a merry go' round. I shook my head violently, I put new clothes on.

I gulped up my pride, and fumbled with the bedroom door, I opened it slowly. Kathy was gone, I checked the Parkway, she took off.

-

The next week was just a bunch of awkward conversations and no real talking.

Dinner was dead silent with a thank you and a good night. Kathy even slept on the couch, I knew I did something wrong.

"I'm gonna take a shower next" She passed me.

"Kathy" I stopped her.

"What?" She asked.

"Talk to me please" I sighed, "I'm tired of us being this way" I looked her in eyes.

She paused, opened her mouth, and then closed it.

"Please, look, I know I masturbated to you and it's making things super awkward, but I didn't think it would lead to you completely ignoring me" I teared up. "I still love you" I pleaded.

She looked down, and grabbed my towel.

"Please" I hitched.

She let go of my towel and sighed, walking the other way.

"Kathy... Fine, you know what, I get it you're mad at me... " I scoffed. "I'm sorry I'm trying to get a feel of my sexuality before deciding when I'm ready... " Hot tears fell.

She looked over at me. "I... " She sighed. "I want you so much, and after Tuesday night, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it... " She said. "That's why I haven't been sleeping with you, I don't hate you... " She sadly smiled. "I love you lots Lana" She blushed.

"Then if you want me, how about you just ask" I pondered. "How about you just say something, and not ignore me and make me feel like you were disgusted by what I d-did" I cried more.

Kathy started crying. "Cause I don't want to push you!" She snapped. "I wanted you to bring it up, so I didn't feel like I was pressuring you into having sex... " She wiped her tears.

"I love you, I don't care anymore!" I screamed. "I know you're not Kayden, you'll never be!" I weeped. "I want-"

She kissed me, pushing me roughly into the bedroom, she pushed me on the bed. Her lips tasting like cherry lip gloss.

"I love you" She kissed my jawline, and my neck, sucking softly. She ripped the towel off my body.

I blushed to my ears, she smiled brightly. "You're so fucking beautiful" She traced my hips softly.

"I'm... Not-"

"Shut up.. " She whispered. "I don't wanna hear it" She said softly. "You are gorgeous, absolutely breathtaking" She kissed down my collarbone.

I felt tears prick my eyes. "Kathy" I sniffed.

"Something wrong?" She asked.

"No, I just... I've never felt so good about my body" I admitted.

"Lana, I've told you I love your body, and all of you with it" She booped my nose. "I'm not changing my mind" She gave me a quick peck on the lips.

I giggled brightly, she cupped my breasts, as my breath stopped.

"Oh, shit I should've asked-"

"Yes, yes to everything Kathy, I love you" I begged.

"I love you too" Her voice cracked, her lips meeting mine.

Our tongues softly slipped together, moving gently, she pinched my nipples.

"Fuck" I cupped her face, looking in her eyes. Those lavender irises shifting slowly into mine.

She kissed down my chest, sucking softly on a perked nipple. I moaned lowly. "Kathy" I ran my fingers through her hair.

She lifted up and threw her shirt off, unhooking her bra. I stared at her huge breasts, maybe a little too long. "You can touch them" She laughed.

"They're soft" I cupped one, staring up into her eyes.

"Gosh" She flustered, hiding in my chest.

"What?" I giggled loudly.

"You're so fucking cute" She mumbled.

"I'm not cute" I whined.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah" I pouted, she bent down and gave soft rhythmed kisses.

"Cutie" She kissed down my throat, her hands roaming to my cunt.

Touching yourself will never amount to the sensitivity of someone else touching you. I promise that.

"Kathy" I moaned, hitching softly. "Oh god... " I bit my lip.

"Let me hear that pretty voice" She entered two fingers, my knees spreading farther apart.

"Kathy!" I screamed, gasping sharply on my own words.

She kissed down my stomach, watching me with worried eyes, as if she was asking permission.

"Please" I cried, she licked softly over my clit. My head threw back, and my grip on the sheets tightened. She was gentle, but rough at the same time.

"Fuck" My heartbeat in my head, I was burning, dizzy, and sweaty. She pushed two fingers in at the same time her coarse tongue ran over my nerves.

"Oh... " I gulped, my hand pulling softly at her hair, "More" I said through puffed breaths.

"Please, Kathy, I-" She doubled her pace, I swore my eyes rolled to the back of my head.

"Fuck!" I screamed, I kept screaming and I couldn't control my mouth. "Katharine! Katharine, Baby!" I bit my lips, why didn't I let this happen so much earlier? Kathy was so sweet, and gosh, so fucking sexy.

"Cum" She ordered, two fingers abusing my gspot like it was nothing.

"Kathy" I lifted up a little and kissed her sloppily, my arms looping around to her back, my nails scraping angrily as I squealed and huffed loudly. "Fuck!" I squirted all over her hand.

She lifted her hand from my cunt, licking her fingers. "You taste like strawberries" She giggled.

I gulped, getting up and sitting in front of her. "That felt good" I mumbled.

"I mean you just squirted all over my hand like a pornstar so I hope so... " She chuckled.

I kissed her deeply, turning the tables, having her lay down.

"Woah, you wanna top now?" She smirked.

"Yeah... " I pouted. "I just wanted to treat you... Like you did to me" I smiled.   
"I'm probably terrible at it... But I can try" I looked away.

"Alright" She giggled, cupping my face to face her. "Also... I'd never be disappointed with anything you do... So... " She kissed my lips. "Go for anything" She bit her lip.

I kept controlling another kiss, dominating over her. I kissed at her neck, nipping softly, I knew Kathy liked it more rough. She moaned, which meant I was doing good.

I cupped a breast, they were too big to fit in my small hands, but that didn't matter. I looked in her eyes, her black hair was sure to be messed up at the end.

"You're beautiful" I whined under my breath. I bit at her boobs, a sharp moan hitched past her lips. I captured her nipple between my teeth, going very soft at my biting. Her hands ran through my hair.

"Lana" She moaned, I self congratulated myself.

I kissed more down her torso, stopping at her leggings. "Uh.. " I pulled them a little.

"Here" She giggled, lifting her hips, I helped pull them off. I looked at her thick thighs and soft hips. I was so glad she was mine, I kissed her inner thigh.

"Oh... You're uh... " I looked at her panties, she was leaking through them with arousal.

"I know, I'm wet" She rolled her eyes, chuckling through embarrassment.

I wondered what she tasted like, my lips quivered at that thought. I gulped and dipped my head between her legs, licking a stripe across her panties.

She tasted bitter, but salty, and I liked the taste. I kept lapping through the cloth.

"Shit" She bit her lip, she looked so vulnerable and I liked it. I pulled her panties down, discarding them away.

"Sorry haven't shaved... Uh" She sighed in embarrassment.

"I don't care, I'm not shaved" I pointed out.

"But I'm thicker-"

"Don't care, I'll get carpet burn if I have to" I joked.

"That doesn't exist" She laughed. "But okay" She opened her knees slowly.

I stared, why was it cute? Her hair patch looked soft, and her lips were far thicker than mine. Was I supposed to say that about her? That was weird.

"You're staring super long" She giggled nervously.

"You're cute" I whispered, I shook my head softly to get myself from staring.

She was super red, all the way to her shoulders. I touched her softly, rubbing soft circles with my thumb on her clit.

She squealed softly, and bit on her finger. Why was she acting so cute, compared to teasing me earlier.

"Pretty girl" I hummed, lifting across her to taste that cherry lip gloss again.

"Lana" She moaned through the kiss. I felt good making her feel like this, everything felt right.

I kissed her stomach, and kissed her hip. "I love you" I whispered.

"I love you so much Lana" She winded, I kissed her clit. I wasn't sure exactly what to do, but I knew I needed to run my tongue across that spot.

"Lana... Please, don't tease me" She practically begged. I licked slowly over the small nub, my nose buried in her black curls. She huffed out hitched slow breaths, and her hand pulled at my hair.

I sucked her clit, and it looked like she saw stars. I was finding out slowly what she liked. I dipped my fingers inside her, she clenched tight around them.

I read something about g-spots recently, there's a patch of rough skin at the beginning of the vagina and right after a soft pallette, the soft pallete was a group of nerves.

There was a rough patch, and then I hooked my fingers quickly over the soft skin. She screamed, a rip of her wind pipes.

"Are you okay?" I asked, she was shaking.

"Yes, please, please do that again" She caressed my cheek.

I pumped soft hooking motions on that spot. Her thighs closed, and slided together. She was making high pitched squeals while her body spasmed.

I was in complete control of her. Maybe I needed to take advantage if that. "On your hands and knees" I ordered, she looked up at me with the most needy look.

"Yes Mommy" She answered, I paused, I never really considered what Kathy's kinks were... I should have been confused, and disgusted at the mind behind that. But I knew Kathy meant it as an endearment rather than the true nature behind what she said.

"Good girl" I replied, her cute heart butt was in the air. I squeezed it, and then smacked it subtly. She jolted and moaned, buring her face in my stuffed bunny.

"Now wait" I said softly, I opened the drawer and pulled out the attachable strap on. Was this okay? I kept forgetting this was me and Kathy's first time, but she seemed okay with anything.

"Baby, can I use this strap on? Is it okay if we use it?" I asked, she nodded and whined through my bunny.

I took it as a yes.

"Lana, if you wanna cum too, uh... Take one of the remote c-controlled ones" She lifted and looked at me.

"Okay" I grabbed a small one, and walked back to the bed. I put the thing on and stared at the black solid dick now attached to me. I pushed in the vibrator inside me, giving Kathy the remote.

"I love you" She mumbled.

"I love you too" I cracked softly, lining up myself. "Is it okay to... "

"Yes" She huffed at me. "Fuck me".

I pushed in immediately, starting with a faster pace. She moaned, her face in her arms as I slapped softly against her ass, it slightly bounced each time.

"Oh fuck, Lana... " She clicked the remote, I moaned softly with her.

"Kathy" I breathed, I kissed down her back, going faster.

"Oh, oh my god" She squealed in delight.

"Flip over" I pulled out a fraction of a second. She was on her back, face drained of any other emotion except lust.

"Fuck" I gulped, pushing inside her, the bed started to creak super loud.

"Lana" She covered her mouth, moaning in her hand.

"No, pretty baby" I pulled her hand away, entwining my fingers with hers on both sides. I slammed harder inside her, the remote out of her reach.

"Lana!" She screamed her boobs bouncing as I rocked hard against her.

"Fuck!" I pushed back, rubbing circles on her clit as I looped my arm around her right leg. She grabbed the remote and turned it on high.

"Lana! Lana... Fuck, Lana!" She screeched.

"Kathy, Please, cum for me" I begged, she nodded quickly.

"Harder! Fuck me Harder!" She demanded, "Ill cum for you Mommy" She gripped the pillows.

I rocked harder inside of her, grabbing her hip, while abusing her clit like crazy.

"Lana! Lana!" She paused, her eyebrows curved as she gritted her teeth, her cunt spasmed and squirted all over the bed.

I barely noticed that I even came, because I was so focused on her. I breathed out, and collapsed on her chest.

She pet through my hair as she caught her breath. She kissed my head several times.

"I love you" She sighed. "That was amazing" She giggled.

"It was amazing for me too" I blushed, pulling out slowly, she moaned softly.

I took out the vibrator still humming like crazy. "Here" She chuckled and handed me the remote, I washed the toys and put them away, seeing Kathy snuggled underneath the covers.

I followed behind her, snuggling underneath her chin. I felt safe, secure, and most of all loved.

"You know I love you, I always will Lana" She hummed, kissing my forehead.

"I love you too, always and forever" I whispered, drifting off to sleep in her arms.

-

I woke up slowly, naked with arms wrapped around me. At first I panicked, but slowly realized by Kathy's hands that it was okay. I had sex, consensually with the person I most loved. The person who cared about me, loved me and never once asked or pushed for us to have sex. Loosing my virginity to Katharine was the best decision I ever made, I squealed a little at that thought.

"Good morning" Her husk voice cracked, I jumped a little at the sudden change in volume.

"Good morning" I smiled and turned around to see her.

She kissed my lips and caressed my hips. She hummed lightly and nuzzled my neck. "I don't wanna get up" She complained. "I wanna cuddle with you" She whined.

"Well, we have to take a shower and get ready for work" I pecked her lips.

"I don't wanna work" She huffed.

"Well you gotta... " I laughed.

"Nah, I like it better here in your arms" She smiled.

"Fine, if we take a shower together will you get out of bed?" I asked.

"Hmm" She thought. "Fine... But that means I get to stare at your curves" She sat up.

"That's fine by me" I got up and automatically headed for the shower.

"Nice ass" She whistled.

I flustered and shot an annoyed look at her.

"What? I'm being honest, I can like my girlfriend's ass" She scratched her head.

"Boundaries" I huffed.

"What boundaries are left after last night?" She asked, walking behind me, her arm hooked in my hip.

"You're right" I admitted. "You've seen everything now" I pinched my temple and sighed as I turned on the water.

"Yeah? So? You're beautiful, I think you're beautiful and that's all that should matter" She kissed my cheek.

"Sometimes I think I love you too much" I smiled a little, she kissed me gently.

"Sometimes I think you feel you aren't loved at all" She whispered.

Those words hit me a little too hard, because it was true. I've always been the generous friend, the over achiever in any relationship. And people took advantage of that, I loved them, but deep down I knew they didn't give a shit about me.

"Hey don't cry!" She wiped my tears.

"I love you" I pulled into a hug, crying softly in her chest.

"I love you too" She nervously said, rubbing my back.

"I know" I hiccupped.

"Calm down Lana.. " She kissed my forehead several times. "It's gonna be okay" Her soft voice hummed.

I sniffed, wiping my own tears away. "I know" I giggled. "Kathy... " I paused.

"Yeah?" She asked.

"Last night was the best night of my life" I told her, she smiled genuinely.

"Me too" She caressed my face.

"And... I wouldn't mind, going again... Anytime you want, I trust you... " I blushed, pulling away from the hug.

"Alright" She nodded.

"Oh, and by the way, you have a Daddy kink?" I giggled, pulling out towels.

"Uh.. Yeah, I do... " She flushed darkly. "It's not like... I expect you to... Treat me like a baby or... Anything like that" She stood away, clearly embarrassed.

"It's fine, I think it's cute" I bit my lip.

"Oh" She peeped.

I laughed loudly. "C'mon lets get in the shower" I pulled the curtains.

 


	13. Starlight

It's my 25th birthday.

Not really as exciting when you're older. But, I still felt special that after work Kathy and I were going out for the night.

We don't do that as often, since we're busy, but living together and spending time at home made up for it.

"What exactly are you feeling today?" I asked my client.

"I don't know, sad" He sighed.

"Alright" I clicked my pen. "What's making you sad?".

He didn't answer, but kept his mouth shut.

"You know, everything gets better if you at least tell 1 person" I said.

"How do I know I can trust you?" He shot back.

I paused. "Because my job is to gain trust and keep that trust" I smiled.

"You're just gonna be like every counselor" He rolled his eyes.

"What did other counselors do?" I asked politely.

"Told me it was all in my head, that I was too young to make choices... That I couldn't truly know if I was, how I was" He scoffed.

"I wouldn't ever say those things" I promised. "No one is too young to make a decision, especially someone your age" I said.

"Alright, give it a whirl, I'm bisexual, no I'm not fucking confused, nor do I think it's to get in threesomes.... Nor do I want any" He huffed.

I giggled, not because it was funny but because he assumed I was straight.

"See? You're laughing" He saddened.

"No, I'm laughing because I'm bisexual, I have a girlfriend who I love very much" I blushed.

He paused, almost astounded. "When did you know?" He asked.

"When I was 23... It took a while, but I found out that I was in love with my best friend..." I told him. "She's... Still my girlfriend to this day" I looked at him.

"Gosh you're lucky" He rolled his eyes.

"Well, I'd say I'm pretty lucky" I pulled off a picture from my desk I gave it to him.

"I wish I could find happiness like this" He envied the picture.

"One day you will, and they'll come right under your nose" I smirked. "Whether it's a man or a woman, I'm sure you'll be happy" I took the frame back.

"I think you're the first counselor I actually like" He laughed.

"Do your parents know?" I asked, before I blurted it to them.

"No" He answered. "I'm scared they're going to kick me out" He admitted.

"My parents kicked me out... But not because I was gay, but if I did say that in 1990, they would've definitely told me to take a hike" I giggled. "Sometimes you can't rely on family, sometimes you have to make your own" I stared at the picture.

"I had a boyfriend, but he wanted me to come out and stop hiding" He sighed.

"Just wait till college, you can come out safely and your parents can't kick you out... You're 17... And soon you'll be out of there" I smiled.

"Yeah, I guess you're right" He smiled.

"Women always are, remember that" I winked.

He laughed. "Yeah, I can agree on that".

"Well, I think our time is up... But, I'll see you in a week, and we can talk about some celebrity crushes if you want" I giggled.

"Yeah, thank you, I'll see you later" He got up, I went and opened the door for him, letting him out.

-

'I'm gonna be a little late had some documents to put in, I'll be in time for going though' I texted Kathy, sighing softly.

'Alright, love you can't wait to see you' She texted.

I smiled and put the phone down, I heard a bit of noise outside my door.

"Happy birthday to you" My coworkers came in with a cake, I awed softly.

"Guys, you really didn't have to" I chuckled, they all ignored and kept singing.

"Oh my god" I giggled, blowing out the candles.

"Happy birthday Lana" My boss smiled softly.

"Thank you guys" I sighed in excitement.

"You're welcome" Jannah said. "But it was mostly boss's idea" She whispered over.

"Thanks Brian" I got up.

"You're welcome" He breathed.

"Do we have a knife anywhere?" I asked, someone handed it to me, I cut the cake up and gave a slice to each person. Then the last slice for me.

"As much as I'd love to stay with you all, my girlfriend has something planned tonight, I don't wanna miss it" I grabbed my purse.

"You go girl! We can handle the mess" Gracia said.

-

"I'm sorry I'm super late, coworkers wanted to give me cake and stuff" I threw the slice into the fridge.

"It's alright I rescheduled it to 7... " She came around me and kissed my cheek.

I breathed. "Thanks Kathy" I sighed.

"You're welcome" She leaned on my shoulder softly. "You should get ready we have to leave in 30 minutes" She patted my back.

I looked over at her, her hair curled and tamed, with a wine red dress on. "You look so beautiful" I blushed.

"Well, I thought I'd look nice for the occasion" She smirked.

I gave her a soft kiss, "Well I like it" I walked past her, going straight to our room. I looked through my dresses, and sighed. I pulled out a dark teal lace dress, I shimmied off my work clothes, putting the dress on, I pulled out my bun.

"Geez" I fixed my makeup a bit, grabbed a black shoulder purse and put my keys and wallet in there.

I put on black strapped heels and lipgloss, walking out. Kathy blushed softly.

"You look amazing" She wrapped her arms around my waist.

"You look just as amazing" I pecked her lips, my lipgloss on her red lipstick.

"You always find a way to somehow get lipgloss on me" She giggled.

"It's my job" I teased.

"Let's get going, I'm driving" She motioned her hands to get the keys.

-

"Kathy, this is the most expensive sushi place in LA" I whined.

"Yep"

"Are you sure we aren't at the wrong place?" I asked.

"Nope" She smirked.

"Kathyyy" I pouted, now I felt kind of spoiled.

"I love sushi" She giggled.

"You don't just... " I sighed, she brought me in.

"Kogane" She said softly to the clerk, he brought us over to a table quickly.

"Here are your menus" He said with and accent.

Kathy answered in Japanese, which genuinely surprised me, as the conversed with eachother.

"You speak Japanese?!" I whispered loudly as the waiter went away.

"Yeah, and Korean... I thought I told you my mom was Japanese... " She laughed.

"No... I knew you were Korean, but I didn't know you were Japanese" I pouted.

"Well, looks like you learned something about me today" She looked at the menu.

"Now I feel like I don't even know you" I lifted my menu.

"You do know me, my ethnicity doesn't affect who I am Lana" She lovingly said to me.

"Mmm hmm, sure" I teased, looking up and down the menu, everything was at least $30... Which was extremely pricy for just one sushi roll.

"Stop trying to find the cheapest thing on the menu Lana" She looked at me with a stern look.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because it's your birthday, and I have plenty saved up for this dinner" She breathed.

"I feel stingy" I argued.

"You spend $200 plus, on my birthday dinner at a steakhouse... I think it's okay for you to get something that you like" She held my hand across the table.

"Fine" I looked at the choices despite the price.

"Drinks?" He came up and asked.

"Green Tea" Kathy answered.

"Make that two" I said, he nodded softly and walked away.

"You like green tea?" Kathy asked.

"Yeah" I said nervously.

"Well, it's extremely bitter, and you have to have a fixed taste to like it" She said. "So it's good you know".

I paused, "It's bitter?" I whined.

"Yes, Lana... " She sighed. "Don't just order things because I do... " She looked at her menu.

"Why are you being so rude?" I asked, I didn't mean it to come out really, but it did.

She stared at me and then sighed. "I want you to make your own choices Lana, you can't always depend on me..."

"We depend on eachother" I argued. "I pay most of the house bills, and you make dinner, clean, I help a little here and there... " I pouted.

"Not like that kind of depending, Lana, you can't make your own choices without asking me first, and it's starting to mess up your independence" She said.

I sat still, and just looked over the menu, I wasn't going to keep fighting about this stupid thing.

"I'm sorry" She sighed, "I just... I'm starting to think you're not happy how you are" She said.

"I am happy, I'm happy about the person you made me to be, I don't want to be independent, I want to be with you... You make me the best I can be, and I wouldn't trade it for anything..."

I paused softly, "But if you want me to make my own decisions, I'm having 2 sushi rolls for us to share and a ramen bowl" I smirked.

She giggled. "I love you" She looked in my eyes. "I just... Needed to be sure of something... Before we go out to our next stop" She put her menu down.

"Is that why you were being demeaning?" I questioned.

"Yes" She giggled.

"Here are your drinks" He put them in front of us. "And your miso soup" He handed them swiftly.

"Thank you" I blew on both the hot liquids.

"Anything to eat?" He asked.

"Yes, I'll have a bento box with yakitori on the side" She smiled.

"Um... This sushi, and that one" I pointed on the menu. "And the shrimp ramen bowl" I gave him the menus.

"Alright" He clicked his pen and walked away.

"What's yakeetoori?" I butchered the pronunciation.

"Grilled chicken on sticks" She laughed.

"Don't laugh at me" I whined.

-

"Tonight was nice" I leaned on her shoulder, I burped softly. "Excuse me" I covered my mouth.

She laughed and pecked my cheek. "I love you, so it was worth it" She opened the car, putting our leftovers in the back.

I paused softly, looking over at a girl coming out a vehicle.

"What's up?" Kathy looked over.

I saw the man get out of the car, holding her hand. I froze in fear, it was Kaden.

"Lana?" She shook me softly, tears streamed down my face like a waterfall.  It was like I was back there on that marble floor again, reliving the whole thing.

"Lana?!" She shook me harder, trying to get me out of this panic attack.

"Is everything okay over here?" The woman walked over, concerned.

"Everything is fine, I got her safe" Kathy told the woman, then glanced at Kayden.

I hid in her chest, I felt like I was going to throw up, I was going to die right there, he was going to rape me again. My head spun a little, I felt like I was going to pass out.

"You" Kathy locked eyes with Kayden. "Get out of here with your little manipulated mouse and stay away!" She snapped like a wolf with teeth out.

"Kathy" I whined, my brain was dead, all I wanted was her.

"Leave!" She demanded.

Kaden of course recognized me and he recognized Kathy at the time. "I'm sorry, look... " He paused, "I did bad things 2 years ago, and I'm so sorry... " He said. "I got help and I've really been great... I wish I could amount to the pain I caused her" He sincerely apologized.

"Just please, leave your presence alone causes her pain, and I want my girlfriend to be calm enough to continue our date... " Kathy looked at him.

"Alright, just tell her I'm sorry" He walked off with his girlfriend.

I hung closely to Kathy, crying softly, he was gone, he was completely gone.

"It's okay, I'm here.... No one's gonna hurt you Lana" She pet through my locks.

"Kathy" I sniffed, buried completely in her chest, not letting go.

"Shh, it's okay" She rubbed my back. "Deep breaths, let's calm down alright?" She softly hummed.

"Mmm Hmm" I nodded, breathing in and out slowly.

"He's gone, you're safe, I'm here" She kept reminding me.

I took a while to calm down but it was much faster than by myself. Kathy always knew what to do to calm me down. Big soft pillow boobs was part of that equation.

"I wanted to go stargazing... Are you up for that?" She asked.

"Yeah" I wiped my tears.

"Your makeup is a mess" She grabbed tissues out the car, wiping my face.

"I love you" I whined.

"I love you too" She smiled.

-

"When I was little, I wanted to be an astronaut" She told me, laying next to her on the hood of the car.

"I wanted to be a pilot" I laughed. "Funny how things turn out" I said.

"Yeah, but I don't regret you coming out of it" She blushed.

I kissed her gently. "I don't regret it either" I nuzzled her neck.

"I do have a present to give you" She brought up.

"Well, I'm ready to be surprised so... Have at it" I got up off the car.

She brought out a tiny present box, with a little blue bow on the top.

"This is it, it's a pretty expensive present... " She blushed.

I smiled. "Whatever you give me I'll be super happy" I said.

"Well, I hope so" She gulped, she looked super nervous, and when she's nervous you can practically feel the guilty feeling.

"Kathy, calm down, obviously by the box it's just jewelry... Maybe a pair of earrings, I'll love them" I grabbed the box from her.

"It's not just... " She sighed.

I opened the box, I expected to find a necklace or a set but my heart dropped all the way to the ground.

"Will you marry me?" She got down on one knee in front of me.

"No!" I groaned.

"What?" She looked heartbroken.

I went to the car and grabbed out my main purse. I pulled out a tiny black box and threw it over at her.

"I was gonna propose to you when we went to Disneyland next month!" I pouted. "But you've beat me to it" I got down on one knee too.

Kathy laughed through tears. "You groaned no, and made me have a heart attack because of that?" She cackled.

"Well, yeah... " I looked in her eyes.

"So, that's a yes?" She teared up again.

"Of course, I'd love to be your wife" I said seriously.

"Lana" She whined and hugged me.

"I love you" I whispered.

"I love y-you too" She whimpered, pulling back.

"It's so pretty" She opened the box, I took out the ring, and put it on her finger. It was a white gold ruby centered ring with two diamonds connected to it.

She pulled out her ring for me and put it on my finger. The sapphire was so pretty, and the swirl design was just perfect.

_Everything was just perfect._

-

I woke up naked next to her again, my body sticky from last night, but in reality I loved it.

I stared at my ring, I was committed to Kathy 100%. And maybe that was a little scary, but I was truly in love with her.

She kissed my back a few times. "Morning my fiancee" She giggled.

"Morning... " I sighed, she gave a lazy kiss to the side of my lips.

"I need a shower" She said, it was our day off for both of us.

"Ill join you if you want" I yawned.

"Alright" She got up and yawned, going into the bathroom.

I got up slowly, hanging my legs off the end of the bed. I yawned and scratched my arm, getting up to go in the shower.

I heard the water start, getting inside slowly, she was humming a soft tune under her breath.

"Share some of the water" I whined, her hair flat, and bangs all flipped back, into one hot as hell wet hairdo.

"Then come here" She laughed, pulling me close to her body, the water ran between us.

She grabbed a loofa and put body wash on it, she started with my shoulders and arms, my back and stomach. It felt nice, and I felt like I was cared for. She ran the loofa over my breasts, I felt myself pool at the sensation.

She washed my legs and bent down, washing them off swiftly. I closed my eyes and breathed out slowly, her tongue brushed against my cunt, and she kept lapping over it. I moaned gently, tugging at her wet hair.

"Kathy" I bit my lip.

-

"Well, that was awfully refreshing" I sighed, completely weak in my legs.

"Sorry, I should've let you sit down on the tub" She rubbed my hips.

"It's fine, plus... I loved it... So it's not that big of a deal" I grabbed out pain meds, taking a few.

"You're hurting" She pouted.

"It's a good hurt" I shot back, sighing, I wanted something to eat.

"Wanna go to IHOP? We can get pancakes and hashbrowns.... " She smiled.

"Yeah, I'd like that" I kissed her lips. 


	14. Veils and Lace

"So what time of the year do you want to get married?" I was looking through wedding catalogs.

"Winter sounds nice" Kathy smiled.

"You can't get married in Winter, too many holidays... " I sighed.

"Then... You obviously know the answer to your own question" She lifted a brow.

"Spring and Summer are the best options according to the catalogs" I said. "I don't mind either one" I smirked.

"Then... Spring, Summer is too hot and we'll die in the 100° heat" She laughed.

"What month?" I asked.

"March, any later and we'll hit April rain... " She decided.

"Alright" I smiled. "Then that's settled" I wrote it down.

"Oh, I bought you something for next year" Kathy pulled up a bag.

"What is it?" I looked at the brightly colored object in the plastic.

"Well, it came out last year but they just started selling them mainstream" She pulled out the Pink, Purple and Blue colored flag.

"The bisexual flag" I smiled, my heart warming. "Thank you, you're the best" I sighed lovingly.

"It's for Pride next year, thought you would love to have one" She held my hand across the table.

"I do.. " I paused pulling it up. "I love it" I pulled it around my shoulders. 

"It suits you" She stood up and gave me a kiss.

"I hope so" I pouted, "I am bisexual" I giggled.

"And mine" Kathy added, her arms around my hips.

"And yours" I kissed her nose.

-

"What do you mean you won't cater for our wedding?" Lana yelled in the phone.

"Well, I'll find another cater, since you decided to be homophobic" She slammed her Nokia on the table. "Ugh!" She groaned loudly.

I frowned. "I'm sure we'll find one, just like we found our wedding planner" I went over and massaged her shoulders.

"After 12 tries!?" She snapped, looking at me.

"I'm not the enemy Lana... I get you're upset, but don't take it out on me" I sighed.

She softened. "I'm sorry" She hugged me. "I just feel so... Angry" She started crying.

"Shh, it's okay... Look at me" I lifted her chin. "We're going to have the best wedding ever, alright? Nothing is going to stop us" I stared over at the phone. "Not even a couple of douche bags" I kissed her gently.

She wiped her tears. "Yeah, I can't wait to get married to you" She nuzzled in my neck. "Fuck those assholes" She mumbled.

I laughed and caressed her face. "Yeah, fuck those assholes" I repeated.

"They can suck it" She hummed.

-

"How do you like this dress?" The dressmaker asked.

"It's just... Not right, I don't know" I looked at it.

Jannah and Addy laughed. "You look like a disney princess" Addy said.

I flattened my expression, I definitely did, and that's what was wrong.

"It's too poofy" My mom drawled out. "She looks like she's attending her own Quince'" She giggled.

"Alright, so something less poofy" The dressmaker suggested.

"Yes" I sighed, looking over at the three immature family members I had.

"We'll try another one then" She ushered me off the platform. I followed her into the back, she pulled out a few more dresses.

"This one is a mermaid style laced dress, and this one has a slimmer style of poof with a lace crystal semi-sweetheart" She showed me them.

"Sweethearts don't look good on me, and neither does lace" I smiled, trying not to sound picky.

"So satin?" She asked.

"Too shiny, but regular is just fine, and I don't mind lace in the skirt, it's just on the top that it doesn't look good" I said.

"Alright I think I have a dress like that" She went out of the closet.

I signed gently, waiting patiently for her to come back.

"Alright, so... This dress has a straight across top, with simple fabric, lace skirt and a beautiful veil... " She handed it to me, I was in high hopes for this dress.

I took off the old one, slipping it over my hips. I let the dressmaker hook the back, it was a little tight, but that's how wedding dresses were.

She attached the clipped veil to my hair. I stared in the mirror.

"Your husband is going to love this, you definitely know what looks good for you" She smiled.

"He will" I lied, I wouldn't get this dress if I risked telling her I was gay.

I walked out to the platform, staring in the large mirror this time, a tear fell down my cheek.

_It was perfect_

My family was silent for once, after 5 dress shops, I had finally found one.

"How much is this?" I asked the lady.

"$1,500 well under your budget.

"I'm getting it" I chuckled through tears.

My mom had her hand over her mouth. "My little girl is all grown up" She wiped her tears.

"It's not even the wedding yet and you're crying" Addy sighed.

"Of course I'm crying, look at her, she's beautiful!" My mom exclaimed.

"It's perfect Kat" Jannah said, using her nickname for me.

"Thank you" I smiled.

"Well, let's get it bagged up, and we can go through some shoes and accessories that'll match" The dressmaker smiled, I got off the platform and into the closet.

She took the dress off and I got changed into my regular clothes, pulling out my envelope filled with money.

I walked out with my family, going up to the register.

"Do you want a pay plan?" She asked.

"No" I answered. "I'm paying it all in one sitting before the accessories" I pulled out $1,600, knowing tax would be involved.

"That'll be $1,563.72... " She smiled.

I counted out the hundreds in front of her, handing the money swiftly over.

"Alright, let's check out some accessories for this" She pulled us over.

I picked out some hair pieces, and soft white decorated heels, that matched the dress.

"We're going out to eat on me" My mom smiled brightly. "Gettin' some good grub" She got in the front seat.

I laughed softly. "Alright momma, whatever you want" I pulled out the parking lot.

-

"You're buying your dress online?" Kana looked at me in judgement.

"Yeah"

"Isn't that dangerous?"

"I know the maker personally, she's never cheated out or messed up a dress" I said with confidence.

"I wouldn't personally trust my dress being made if I didn't already see it" She argued.

-

"Mami! Let me see!" I bounced up and down.

"I'm almost done Mi hija" She kissed my cheek.

"I want to see it now" I pouted.

"You have to be patient with the needle, or it'll come and prick you when it's la noche" She smirked.

"No it won't" I huffed.

"Oh it will" She pulled the dress out.

"Nuh uh!" I shook my head, she lifted up the dress and I smiled ear to ear. "It's beautiful" I touched the ruffles.

"One day, I'll make you a dress for your wedding" She pet through my hair, setting the dress in the box.

"Really?!" I asked.

"Sí, really" She smiled.

-

"How well do you know this person?" Kana questioned.

"I knew her for 17 years of my life... " I sighed.

"Alrighty then, I guess I'll trust you"

I clicked on her website, Rosa bridal, looking at the dresses handcrafted on her site. Many beautiful brides sent her pictures of their weddings to use on her website.

People loved the idea of someone hand making their dream wedding dresses, if she really knew who I was, she would've immediately deleted me.

And to think she promised me that she'd make one for my wedding day, free of charge.

'Yeah, just send me a photo of what you think you want' She texted back.

I sent the photo, sighing softly at the text.

"Wow, that was fast" Kana smirked.

"Yeah, she's usually like that" I laughed.

'You know about the down payment, yes?' She asked.

'$4,000... I have it on my card ready to pay' I sent.

'Alright, I'll get right on it after the transaction' She sent a happy face.

I entered the money through the text, giving her the number and pin to use.

'Thank you, it'll be ready by January with the payback on the down payment'  
She texted me.

"Wow, just like that? For someone you know, you guys are pretty formal in texting" Kana mentioned.

"I don't want her to know it's me" I told her.

"Why?"

"It's my mother" I answered.

-

"A box came in for you today" Kathy smiled.

"My wedding dress!" I threw my purse on the counter, getting my box, I immediately slammed the bedroom door with it.

I felt bad for Kathy, since I didn't say thank you. But, I was super excited to open it.

I took box cutters out and sliced the tape on the box.

The top had my mother's signature, some plans for the dress. A little envelope with money was inside, it had only cost her roughly $1,700 to make it.  she wrote. She kept another 1,500 for accommodation.

"$3,200..." I whispered, I pulled out the sweetheart mermaid dress, it was exactly how I pictured it as a kid.

The packet with the plans had my original month old picture inside of it, just so I could compare. But under the photo was an original photo I drew when I was a kid.

_She knew it was me_

There was lettering and a note attached to the back. It swiftly read,

_"You're probably not her, but I thought I'd share an old photo my daughter drew that looks quite similar to this, she drew a lot of wedding dresses, but the coincidence was quite exciting for me"_

I texted her I got the dress, and I wasn't her daughter. She seemed disappointed that I wasn't, but she was glad she could make the dress her 'daughter' wanted.

Of course the childhood drawing wasn't the original one, but just a copy. It still brought back memories into my head.

-

"You'll do just fine" My wedding planner promised, I stared at my shoes and the blue forget-me-nots in my bouquet.

"She's going to love you" She whispered, the music started, and my heart was pounding.

I stepped slowly passed the purple-blue flowered archway, staring softly at the chairs. Not that I was a bridezilla, but everything was perfect.

But not as perfect as seeing Kathy in her dress.

I teared up, waterfalls about to burst and ruin my makeup. I breathed shallowly, hiccuping on my breaths as I tried not to cry my hardest.

I stopped, right in front of her, putting my bouquet aside. Kathy was crying silently, hiccuping gently.

"We are gathered here today-"

-

"I love you" She whispered, kissing my lips as we danced.

"I love you too" I kissed her back, smiling gently as I pulled away.

She stared into my eyes with those sparkling soft violet irises. She was beautiful to say the least. In fact she was utterly gorgeous in her dress.

"You're beautiful Lana... " She hugged my hips as we swayed.

"You're beautiful too" I giggled, her father tapped her shoulder.

"May I steal this dance?" He asked, I nodded softly, watching him take her away.

Kathy was definitely her father's daughter, they even had the same haircut. I watched from the sidelines, her dad was crying, of course he didn't want to let his baby go.

I felt like, things were missing. I stared at the empty table my parents would've been sitting in. I felt so, alone...

"Cheer up, she's your family now... " Jannah smiled at me. "So make the best of it, and take care of her for me" She elbowed me.

I laughed softly, but my happiness was taken away by the fake smile Jannah put on.

"Why did you agree to be Kathy's maid of honor if you knew it would hurt you" I was blunt, and tired of beating around this shitty bush.

"What?"

"You love her" I looked at Kathy. "Just as much as I do" I felt tears brink from my eyes.

"Lana, we dated in high school, and didn't work out... " Jannah laughed. "But, you're right, I do love her.... She's my best friend... And just being in someone's life, Kathy's life... Is worth every second" She looked at me.

"I just hope you're not hurting yourself... " I worried.

"Nah, this is a sick wedding, and Kathy totally deserves you" She shook her head.

"Sometimes I think I don't deserve her" I whispered.

"No doubt in my mind you deserve eachother... It's almost too perfect"

-

"Do you want to?" Kathy asked, we were getting touchy, but I was too tired to really do anything.

"Nah, I'm so tired" I yawned. "In the morning, or tomorrow night" I snuggled in her chest.

"Alright" She rubbed my back, giving my lips a quick kiss before drifting to sleep.

"Lana Mary Serrano Kogane" I whispered and giggled, smiling at my ring. I was finally hers, with a ring on my finger to state the truth. Being a wife was exciting and new... But well overdue.

I've known Kathy for 5 years, and marrying her was the right decision.


	15. Home and Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -SMUT WARNING-

_Let's play a game, where is your treat? You have to find the treat, and you only get to turn up the remote every 15 minutes... If you can't find the sweet by 45 you loose, start by level 1..._

I looked at the note, curious at what my wife was up to. I picked up the remote, I didn't recognize the thing at all, small levels were glowing up as I pressed the level.

I listened, nothing was sounding off, I walked around the house. The new house we bought of course.

"Lana... Where are you?" I groaned.

I looked in our room, nothing, I looked through the drawers, another note.

_The apples fall if they are too ripe_

"What the fuck?" I rolled my eyes. "Lana.. " I whined, I thought of apples, going into the kitchen, nothing, and the apples were unripe.

Another note,

_The whipped are beaten in cream_

"Kinky" I chuckled, that was my wife. I went back in the bedroom, into the closet, pulling out our toys. The whip was still there, no note.

A loud buzzer timer went off, I followed the sound immediately, a timer sat in the guest bedroom.

I picked it up. _Turn the second level on._

I turned up the remote, still confused, I looked around, I had another 30 minutes.

30 minutes to find a _treat_

I face palmed. "Whipped cream!" I shouted. I walked back to the kitchen, opening the fridge, another note.

_The whipped go on top of the pie_

"I hate riddles" I pouted, we had no pie, and this was getting so fucking confusing, but that was the point.

I sat on the couch, pies, whipped cream, apples on a tree.... It made no fucking sense.

My wife was clever and knew how to make me loose my mind. I didn't have any idea where she was.

Another timer went off in the bedroom, most likely it was another note telling me the obvious.

I chuckled, we can play this game, I clenched on the remote.

_Cheaters always win_

I put the remote on the fourth one, I heard a sharp gasp from the kitchen. I followed it quickly.

I heard another bitten out moan from the pantry. I smirked wildly, opening the pantry slowly to where she couldn't tell I opened it.

She was tied up to a hanger beam, gagged and blindfolded.

I gulped, her nipples covered with whipped cream, along with her cunt. A cherry somehow on the top of the dollop of whipped cream.

"That's definitely a treat my love" I bit my lip, pulling off the gag, I wanted to hear her voice.

"Anything for you" She smirked. I kissed that smug look off her face, nipping her neck and leaving a trail of hickeys on her body, I eyed the whipped cream bottle.

"Baby" She moaned, I shook up the cream, putting it on her stomach in little spurts.

I licked her nipples softly, I was going to fucking devour her. Her legs shifted in arousal, slick down her legs with melted whip cream.

I poured whip cream in my mouth and kissed her deeply, forcing her to eat it.   
"Yummy" She licked her lips.

"Yeah, yummy" I bit her other nipple, she jolted, moaning out my name.

I licked down her stomach, licking all the whipped cream off of her.

She was clean and covered in my licks. Her nipples completely hard, I pulled away.

"Kathy" She whined.

"Beg" I ordered.

"Please" She pouted.

"Not what I want sweety" I demanded.

"Please Baby Girl?" She rocked her hips softly.

"You have to be more specific" I ordered.

"Mommy says please... " She whined loudly.

"Nope"

"Baby Girl"

"No"

"Please?"

"Nah"

She painfully groaned "Mommy wants you to lick her, and... " She gulped, sighing. "Fuck her" She looked so needy.   
"Mommy wants your cock" She begged.

"Is that so?" I smirked.

"Yes! Fuck! Just.... I need you to bend me over... Anything" She breathed shallowly.

"Alright Mommy... " I bent down, licking the whipped cream off her pelvis, eating the cherry avoiding her clit on purpose.

"Baby Girl" She whimpered in protest.

I ran over her clit like crazy, it was all or nothing, and Lana was getting it all at once.

"Ah! Fuck!!" She screamed, squirting immediately on the floor. I didn't care about overstimulation, I kept cupping her ass eating out my wife's cunt.

"No! Fuck! I'm going to cum again- Kath-" She choked.

I didn't answer, I kept going.

"Kathy, baby, it feels so good, Mommy feels so good" Her incoherent sentences made me realize her mind was captured by sex.

"I'm your slut, Mommy is your slut" She whispered, dry cumming. "Such a good Baby Girl, Mommy loves your tongue" She pulled at my hair.

I loved bringing her to this point, her eyes rolled back as she came again, shaking with a puddle under her.

I kissed her clit, enough to make her cum again. I looked up at her, backing up, I took the blindfold off.

She looked wrecked, I wasn't done yet, I left and got my strap on, not caring.

"Baby Girl?" She was crying, sobbing as I came back.

"Yes?"

"Are you going to fuck Mommy now?" She asked, hoping almost.

"Yes" I breathed, buckling the straps around my waist.

She looked so vulnerable and completely submissive. "Thank you" She smiled.

I flustered a little, my wife was literally the best. "You're welcome, I love you".

"I love you" She kissed me, I pulled up her thighs, and fucked inside her slowly.

"Kathy" She kissed me over and over.

-

"Love is Love!" I screamed next to my wife, holding her hand, covered in pink purple and blue, my flag wrapped around my arms.

She was covered in rainbow paint, and Addy and Kana were right behind us in bright rainbow together too.

I've only been to L.A. Pride, first time I've gone to San Francisco. Addy and Kana lived here and...

This used to be my hometown.

It's a big city so the likeliness of seeing someone I knew was slim to nothing. But being here with Kathy was worth more than anything.

She meant everything to me, as we marched with our flags above us, confident, reassuring.

I felt confident to be with Kathy, happy she was my wife. I was excited that life gave me her, it didn't matter what others thought.

"Sinners!" A group yelled, Kana and Addy stopped, which meant me and Kathy were stopping.

"Love is love" Addy repeated, pushing up her glasses.

"Come on, it's no use arguing with ignorance" Kana sighed.

"The only ignorance here is the thought that you two can be together, or even have and kids for that matter" The man narrowed his eyes.

Kana got angry and kissed Addy right in front of the protest.

"Ugh!" The crowed booed loudly, the parade whistling louder and cheering passed the negative voices.

Kathy smiled, holding my hand. She pushed my hair behind my ear, smiling.   She kissed me deeply, I melted in the loving kiss.

"Stop sinning!" They kept chanting, the other part of their group migrating to where we were.

Another gay couple of men went with us and kept kissing. Fuck them.

I pulled away from the kiss and stared in her eyes. I looked away at the crowd.

"Disgusting!" A person yelled.

"You're disgusting!" I snapped, walking over, a few news stations cameras on me.

"You think being gay is good, it's not natural" He argued, getting in my face.

"Hundreds of animals are Homosexual" I argued back.

"Yeah, but they get with their opposite sex to have babies"

"Not always" I scoffed.

"Listen little Mexican" He laughed.

"Puerto Rican Asshole" I got pissed.

"Lana, come on... It's really not worth it" Kathy pulled me, I shrugged her off

"You're all sinners, all the same" He scoffed.

"Racist and Homophobic... Wow" I laughed. "Pinche Wherro" I sassed.

"Qué Es?" A woman came through the crowd.

"Rosa, good, tell this little-"

I froze, I felt my heart drop, staring at my mother on the other side. I felt tears fall down my face like hot acid.

"Lana?" She looked at me.

I kept silent, like a deer in headlights. I didn't want to talk, I felt like a scared little girl in trouble with her parents.

"Lana...Mi hija... look... I-" She looked me up and down.

I grabbed Kathy's hand and ran as fast as I could. Hearing my mother's voice yell in the background.

"Lana, slow down, we're far away enough" Kathy stopped me, breathing heavily.

Addy and Kana caught up with us, Addy was super winded.

"Geez, what are you an Olympian runner?" Addy choked on her own breaths.

"Took track when I was in high school, and college" I answered bluntly.

"Y-yeah! Well we didn't" She argued. "Kana's not fucking winded because she was in the military" She sighed out.

Kathy stared at me, worried. "Don't freak me out like that again" She kissed my cheek.

"I won't" I said.

"Promise?"

"Promise" I hugged her.

-

"I'm just an old friend of Marci's" I answered to the teen boy at the door.

"Ven aca! Marci!" He yelled up the stairs. I walked to my car, I couldn't risk getting seen by any other family.

I sat in the car, the radio played softly.

"Hello?" She tapped on the glass. I rolled down the window and took off my glasses.

"Lana?!" She opened the door and sat in the car.

"Marci... " I smiled, she gave me a huge hug.

"I missed you so much" She started sobbing in my shoulder.

"I missed you too" I cried.

"Where did you go?" She asked.

"College and not the streets" I joked.

"I always knew you were the smart one of the family... You and Vasilios... " She wiped her tears.

I kept crying. "Don't tell Mom I visited you, okay?" I asked her.

"Why?"

"You should know why" I started the car.

"Mom misses you... She just wants you back in her life, in our life" She said.

"Not according to yesterday... She wants me very much out of her life" I turned down the radio as I talked.

"You saw her yesterday?" Marci worried.

"More like she saw me arguing with one of her church friends" I scoffed.

"At the pride Festival?" She asked.

"Yes" I answered.

"You're gay" She bit her lip.

"Bisexual... But yeah... So, I'm pretty sure to mom I'm just a dirty sinner... " I turned down to downtown.

"Lana... " She looked at me.

"What?!" I snapped. "I get it, I'm married to a woman and its really disgusting and shit, but literally... Stop" I pulled over the car.

"I never said it was disgusting, I'm just saying mom doesn't care, she'd give anything to have you back... If that means changing her views she'll do it.." She paused. "She loves you".

"If she loved me she wouldn't have thrown me out" I argued.

"You were crazy and kept getting drunk and sleeping with random guys from school, sneaking out to party in the middle of the night... " She explained. "You wouldn't stop, and I hope to God you stopped in college" She looked in my eyes.

"I didn't, my addiction got worse... But when I... " I paused.

"What?"

"When I got raped..... my wife helped me out of that situation of men taking advantage of me.. " I winced just at the thought of admitting that.

Marci's mouth dropped. "Lana, why didn't you call anyone, or reach out... I would've been there in a heartbeat" She teared up.

"I couldn't.... I didn't call for anyone, I was... Stuck" I let tears fall, I hit the steering wheel, she flinched.

"I'm sorry, it's just hard to talk about things like this... "

"I'm sorry Lana, but I'm so glad your wife was there for you" She hugged me. "I wish I was there"

I sighed. "It's in the past... But, I don't think I'm ready to face mom and dad until later... Ill come visit you, when I go up here to see my sister in law... I promise... But for now, let's keep this between us" I begged.

"Alright" She smiled.

"Thanks" I laughed, starting the car again.

Having Marci back at least filled a few holes in my heart.

She hugged the crap out of Kathy so much for taking care of me. I think my wife was practically winded. Kana and Addy got along with her too.

I guess the worst part was going back home with Kathy. I loved home, but I missed Marci. But we promised to call and text eachother.

_That was enough for me..._


	16. Baby Mitts

I laid next to Kathy silently. It had been a year. A year since I got married to the love of my life. Although it wasn't legally in stone, I didn't care about the fancy papers and medical decisions...

I just cared about Katherine Kogane with all my heart. I got out of bed, shivering a little at the coldness, I gave her cheek a quick kiss before heading out to the kitchen.

I started making tereso and eggs, getting out salsa to dip it in. I was happy, but something was also missing.

"Making breakfast without me?" Kathy smiled, coming behind me.

"I'm trying not to burn the eggs!" I giggled loudly as her hands traveled up and down my torso.

"You can do it I believe in you" She taunted, hands touching my boobs playfully.

"Stop it!" I laughed, She made a beep sound as she squished them.

"Nah, you have pretty boobies" She nuzzled my back.

"Kathy" I whined and groaned.

She kissed the side of my neck. "Fine" She huffed.

I didn't burn the eggs so I put them on flour tortillas and runny turnover eggs. They were me and Kathy's favorite.

But something was definitely missing.

-

"Hot Topic!" Kathy squealed like a little girl practically.

"We're gonna be stuck in there for 3 hours!" I whined as she pulled me in. Green Day was blasting through the radio and it was somewhat at least not screamo.

"Oh my god" Kathy pouted and whined at all the merch.

"You can have 1 thing under 40$ and I will buy it for you" I told her.

"Yes!" She smiled, giving my kisses all over my face.

I looked around myself, looking at all the lingerie first, they were cute but not really my style.

Kathy came back with a dress. "I want this one" She smiled.

"Did you try it on?" I asked.

"No" She pouted.

"Well, go do that" I laughed gently. She went away to the dressing room. I followed behind, the dress was cute and I honestly wanted to see her in it.

She came out. "I didn't realize it was a sweetheart" She pouted.

"It's cute" I gawked, playing with the hem of the dress.

"I think my boobs fill them in too much" She sighed sadly.

"Nah, I think it looks perfect" I kissed her cheek.

"If you think it looks good, then it must be" She laughed, giving me a peck on the lips.

She went back into the dressing room, I caught a person staring. It was a dirty look of course, expected since I kissed Kathy in public. I didn't care, I cared about Kathy.

-

We went to Target, splitting up for a few, I was looking at the Women's clothing, then it gravitated to just some kids clothes.

Addy and Kana adopted a little girl recently. Not both in their names, but she was still their daughter.

I grabbed a few things I thought were cute and some toys on the Isle next to it.

I unconsciously walked to the baby isle, looking at the cribs. And then some of the baby changing stations, toy boxes. Then I looked at the clothes, aweing at how cute they were.

"You expecting?" A woman asked me.

"Oh, uh... No" I answered.

"Oh, baby shower then" She smiled.

"Yeah, baby shower" I said.

"Well, hope you find something" She walked away.

It hit me, I always wanted to be a mother someday. To be the mom mine couldn't be. But Kathy never seemed interested in this stuff, or even wanted a kid.

I put back the baby onesie, blinking blankly. A pipe dream that wasn't going to happen.

"What are you doing in the baby section? Selene is 5" Kathy laughed.

"Just looking, nothing important"

"Alright" She giggled, grabbing my arm.

-

"You seem unhappy" Hunny noted.

"I'm not, I'm super happy... " I reassured.

"No you're not" She said. "I know when you're lying" She frowned.

I paused. "But I am happy" I promised.

"Lana, it's okay to admit you're depressed, you're my best friend"

"I'm not!" I snapped. "I'm fine, everything's fine, Kathy's happy, I'm happy!"

"You're happiness shouldn't be based on her happiness" Hunny worried.

"Yeah, well it is" I picked up my stuff. "I'm heading out, I'm sorry for snapping at you" I threw my bag over my shoulder.

"Lana, wait!"

"Sorry, I forgot I had laundry I had to do" I shut the door, walking quickly to my car.

"Lana!" I drove off, going home.

-

I stared at my stomach, while cooking. My head flashed to a fantasy.

_"Hey baby" Kathy wrapped her arms around my sides, hand on my swelled belly. "How's my beautiful wife today?" She asked._

_"Good" I giggled, turning to kiss her._

_"And my wittle baby?" She asked, bending down to kiss my stomach._

_"Kicking" I answered._

_"Giving mommy a hard time?" She said to my stomach._

I put my hand on my stomach, I wish the daydream was real.

Kathy looked at me sideways. "What are you doing?" She laughed.

"Stomach ache"

"Who holds their stomach like that when they have a tummy ache?" She giggled.

"Me" I answered.

"Yeah, okay weirdo" She wrapped her arms around me, kissing at my neck.

"Baby" I giggled, her hand on my stomach like I did.

"Feels like I'm feeling for a baby" She joked.

"What if there was one?" I asked.

"I don't have a dick so I'd assume you're cheating on me" She snickered.

"No, like, I was pregnant on purpose" I said. "Like I got a donor" I said.

"I'd guess..." She paused. "I'd be happy, of course... But I've personally always have wanted to adopt" She said.

"Okay" I said, I guess a little relieved that she at least wanted kids.

"Is this what you've been trying to say for the past few months?" She pondered.

"I-"

"Lana you've been depressing yourself and avoiding everyone because you want a baby?" She asked.

"I thought you didn't want kids" I shot back.

"When I said you're my family, that didn't equate to us becoming a family?" She rhetorically asked. "You know, I love you, but sometimes you're really fucking dense" She laughed.

I teared up. "I wanted you to be happy, so I hid what I wanted, and you complain about kids... So, I thought-"

"Shh" She put her finger over my mouth. "You always worry about other people and not yourself" She pointed out.

"Because I love you"

"Yeah, well I love you, and I'm happy to have a baby too" She kissed me.

I fidgeted, "I'm sorry" I whispered.

"Lana, you know you can always talk to me no matter what" She sighed, nuzzling my neck. "You're my wife, everything that's bothering you should bother me... Because we are one person Lana... You're mine I'm yours that's the deal isn't it?"

"Yeah" I wiped my tears away.

"Now that we've talked... " She paused. "Let's have a baby" She smiled.

"You sure?" I asked.

"Lana I'd give the world for you and still want it as well... A baby is nothing" She laughed.

"A baby is a lot more than nothing" I sighed.

"You know what I meant!" She scoffed playfully.

"But, it's true, a baby is a lot of responsibility" I said.

"I know, but a baby will make us a true family, and that's all I've ever wanted with you Lana... I love you" She huffed with a warm smile.

"I love you too" I teared up.

-

"Lana, it's been such a long time" Allen said to me.

"Yeah, it has, 5 years actually" I smiled.

"Time passes"

"It does" I giggled.

"How's your girlfriend, Kathy?"

"She's my wife, we got married last March... " I mentioned.

"That explains the ring" He laughed a little.

I laughed. "Yeah, well... I'm just as surprised everyday as you are"

"Lorie and I got married 3 years ago, and I've had two lovely little girls since then" He smiled ear to ear.

"I haven't met Lorie yet" I giggled.

"Well, don't go stealing her from me, I know you lesbians come in groups" He joked.

"I won't steal her" I snickered.

"I'll invite her over then" He turned from the bar, calling her over.

She had long carmel-blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. Her skin was lightly tanned, and honestly the best match for a guy like Allen. How was I supposed to ask her husband to be a donor for my baby?

"This your friend from University?" She asked, a british accent just like his.

"Yes, this is Lana, we were best friends in UCLA" He smiled.

"It's nice to meet you Lana" Her hand out, almost burning with jealousy.

How could she even be jealous of me, I wasn't nearly even as hot as her. "I'm gay" I started out, so her protective mode would go off, even though I was bisexual.

"Oh, I didn't realize... " She opened up more.

"She's not stealing me, but she might steal you" Allen joked.

"Very funny" She snarked to him jokingly.

"C'mon that was a little funny" He pouted.

"Shush" She gave him a peck on the lips.

They were like 'two peas in a pot' as Kathy's mom would put it.

"How'd you guys meet?" I asked.

"London, a small coffee shop" She giggled. "He wouldn't stop staring" She mentioned. "I had to go up to him and ask if he wanted my number"

"I said yes, and then she sat with me" He said.

"And then I caught on to his American-English accent" She laughed.

"I always thought he just had a british accent" I shrugged.

"Oh no darling, he says gar-aahge instead of gehr-edge... And he calls the rubbish a trash" She pointed out. "And he says bag instead of extenuating an O before an A" She stated.

"She knew I was a foreigner just by how I said bag" He rolled his eyes.

"I did" She booped his nose. "But I thought it was cute, and we started dating... "

"And now here we are"

"That's like a storybook" I noted.

"What about your wife, how did you two start dating?" Allen asked.

"You want the truth or a pretty lie?" I scoffed.

"Hmm, I'd like the truth personally" Lorie said, Allen nodded with her.

"My crazy ex... Um... He did some pretty bad stuff to me that made me go into a depressive state... " I started.

"What did he do?" Allen asked.

I hesitated, but Allen and me were close. "He raped me, and not while I was drunk" I shrugged.

"That's terrible" Lorie saddened.

"It's in the past, but if it weren't for that... I wouldn't of realized the person who cared about me the most" I smiled. "And it was Kathy who cared, we started dating after she told me she loved me... And I've never felt so loved in my entire life" I smiled. "Not as charming as a coffee shop, but I guess it's something"

They laughed a little at the small joke at the end. "Well, she sounds more wonderful then when I met her at parties" He said.

"Yeah" I paused. "I actually came here to ask a favor, it's nothing too much... Unless you take it personally" I mentioned.

"What is it?" His wife asked.

"Well, me and Kathy have been wanting a baby... And I came here to ask Allen to be a donor... We can't exactly have a baby ourselves" I paused. "You won't have and responsibilities over the child or even have to be in it's life, I wouldn't even c-count it as your kid... " I stammered.

Lorie smiled, "I'm sure we'd be happy to donate, I see it as... It's your kid, not ours... Our kids are at home" She giggled.

Allen sighed happily. "I was up for it from the beginning of the sentence, but Lorie approved, so... I guess it's settled... Just tell me what lab to send it to"

"Thank you so much!" I hugged both of them. "I'll buy a round of drinks for us to celebrate".

-

"Just relax, it's a bit of a pinch but it'll be done before you know it" The Doctor pulled out a 7 inch needle.

I breathed in and then out, feeling the needle break through several tissues. Kathy was there to watch, being a bit too antsy at the needle.

"Alright, you are officially pregnant" She smiled.

"Come visit us in two months for a check up alright?" She handed me a pregnancy booklet.

"Okay, I'll set that up" I smiled as she left.

Kathy was crying. "You're pregnant" She hugged me tight, I smiled super bright, I was so happy to finally become a family.

-

"There's a bump" I smiled, Kathy looked over in the mirror.

"Well they are growing" She smiled widely, walking over to me.

"Yeah, but now... It's like in my head that I'm really... Pregnant" I teared up.

"Yeah, well it got to my head the day you became pregnant" She wrapped her arms around me, touching my stomach.

"They're gonna love their mommy" Kathy kissed the back of my neck.

"They're gonna love you too" I shot back.

"I know" She whispered, her hands melting over my body.

"Kathy-"

"You're too stressed" She kissed my neck.

"Fuck" She fingered me through my leggings, as I tried to stand up.

"Shh" She pulled me to the bed, I sat gently in her lap.

"Kathy" I breathed.

"Let me take care of you for once" She rubbed my sides. "You push yourself too much"

"Mnn!" I moaned a little, as she rubbed soft circles over my core.

"It's okay" She pressed soft kisses in my hair. "I love you, I'm so proud of you" She ran her fingers through my hair, her fingers dipping in my pants.

"I love you too" I cracked, loosing myself to her.

"My mommy" She kept kissing my head.

-

I had been on the toilet for an hour, super hard cramps hitting my stomach.

I wondered if it would ever end, I was 17 weeks pregnant, maybe this was normal for pregnant women.

I felt like I peed but I didn't, it hurt super bad. Kathy wasn't home, so I had no one to call to my side. I felt so bad I was crying. The doctor said I could feel some extreme pain with body reactions, but maybe this was too extreme.

Or maybe I was just overreacting. I took some toilet paper and wiped down there, blood. It wasn't like regular spotting like the Doctor said could happen.

I screamed under my breath, I was right, there was something terribly wrong. I pushed hard out of body instinct. I kept crying, this wasn't right, I didn't feel right. I felt something pass through my vagina, I stopped in horror.

I looked in the toilet and my heart fell like a brick. "No!" I shook my head. There was a tiny baby in the toilet.

I wanted to ignore it but the more I did the worse I felt. I pulled it out, the umbilical cord so tiny and attached to the placenta still inside me.

I grabbed out a pair of scissors and snipped the cord, putting the baby on a towel. I needed to get the placenta out, so I pushed on my stomach and pulled the cord, more blood spilled out, but it came in one piece.

I sighed, my feelings numb. I stared at the tiny fetus on the towel.

Tears filled my eyes, not about how much pain I was in, but how I failed as a wife and a mother.

This couldn't be real, I dipped my head in my lap. I cried the hardest I ever cried in my life.

They were gone, my baby was gone. Everything was gone, the hopes, and the baby clothes, the halfway yellow nursery in our home.

-

"Lana, I'm home" I heard Kathy open the door from work.

I was still in that bathroom, with the baby in my arms. I sniffed softly, whispering sorry over and over again.

"Lana?" She opened the door, there was blood on the wall. "Lana?!" She bent over next to me.

"I'm sorry" I wailed, she looked at the towel and teared up. I knew she'd be sad, and disappointed. But seeing her cry broke my heart more.

"It's okay, Lana.... It's okay" She hiccupped on tears.

"It's not okay, I lost them, I lost our baby" I cried in her arms.

"It's not your fault Lana" She sighed, her voice cracking.

"But I lost-"

"Shut up, the baby was dead before you even pushed it out! Don't blame yourself!" She snapped, tears welling out her eyes like crazy. "There was nothing you could've done to save them... Not this early" She pet through my hair.

I shook in her arms. "Why couldn't god just let me be happy for once?" I cried deeply.

"It's not god, it's just... This baby wasn't meant to be, and it's not your fault, it's not mine, it's not the baby's, some things... Just can't happen Lana" She said.

"We can't have a baby?" I shook in tears.

"No, it's just... This baby wasn't ready for the world... Okay?" She looked me in my eyes.

"Oh"

"We can try again" She smiled, Kathy always gave me hope in the most downed times.

"I don't wanna try again if I'll just loose them too" I sniffed.

"The doctor had tests on you, there was nothing wrong with you, or your blood, or your uterus, miscarriages are common, even if you're perfectly healthy... " She caressed my face. "So when I mean this baby wasn't meant to be, I mean it... You did everything right, you even ate the stuff the doctor told you to... " She laughed.

"So?"

"Do you know how many pregnant women actually follow the meal plan doctors set out for them?"

"No"

"Zero, except you, so if anything this baby, even though we were so excited for it... Didn't want this, and I know you need some time before we try again"

"I do" I stared at the baby.

"Don't give up Lana, you've always know who you are... And what you have to offer, you know this is not your fault, I love you... Okay?"

"I love you too"

-

"You're going to try again?" The doctor asked.

We both nodded softly. "I feel like I still want this, and no little fluke... Or miscarriage is going to keep me from having a baby" I smiled.

Kathy held my hand. "If that happens again, call 911, so you don't deal with it at home like you did... It could've been more dangerous to you, if you didn't know what to do" The Doctor said.

"Alright" I nodded.

"Let's get you on the chair so I can get the needle"

"Okay" I sat on the table, as he left the room.

"It's gonna be okay, alright?" Kathy kissed the top of my head.

"I love you" I whispered.

"I love you too"

"Alright... " He took the needle out.

-

Me and Kathy set up the baby shower together, everyone was going to be there, even Kathy's aunts and uncles.

I had passed the 21 week marker and gave my results to a balloon maker to pop the gender reveal.

I felt so big compared to when I miscarried my last child. I had passed 17 weeks and felt so relieved at it. Nothing was wrong with the baby and this time I didn't follow the damn meal plan.

"They'll be here in an hour from Arizona" Kathy squealed a little, she was so excited for everyone to be there.

"This looks so nice" I smiled widely.

"Yeah, it is" She gleamed with happiness.

I gave her a slow kiss and giggled. "I love you" I teased.

"I love you too, and the baby" Her hand rested on my stomach.

-

I slept softly on my side all the pillows hogged around my torso. Kathy's arms around my sides to my stomach.

"I can't wait for you to come out" She whispered to my stomach, I think she thought I was sleeping.

"Mommy can't wait either, she loves you so much... She can't wait to have you" She bent over and kissed my stomach.

"You know she drinks 20 milkshakes a day because you want them? And gets blisters in her feet to keep you sound?" She asked rhetorically. "Mama's so proud of her everyday... " She rubbed my stomach.

The baby kicked softly towards Kathy's hand. "Hey... baby girl" She smiled, "So you can hear me huh?" She talked to my stomach.

"Kathy... You're so cute" I giggled.

"You're awake?" She pouted.

"Of course I am... You talk loud" I sighed.

"Sorry" She whispered.

"It's alright, bonding with the baby is good during this stage... " I sat up and rubbed my stomach.

"She likes it when you rub the stomach" Kathy pointed out.

"She does" I hummed, I lifted up my shirt, two little bumps poked out each kick.

"She especially kicks when she feels you, so I get woken up" I breathed out.

"She just loves me" Kathy teased.

"She does" I lifted up and kissed Kathy. "And I love you too".

"I love both of you" Kathy kissed my cheek.

_I couldn't believe I started a family._   
  



	17. Blue

3 years later  
-  
"Anna what do you have?" I asked, she held a banana in her hand.

"Nana" She smiled brightly, coming to sit on my lap, I wrapped my arms around her.

"You like bananas?" I giggled.

"Yeah, Nana!" She peeled it and bit into it, somehow making the biggest mess again.

"Nanas are good" I pet through her dark curly hair.

"Mama is better" Her dimples pushed out.

"Am I? What about Mami?" I teased, she giggled again.

"I wub Mami" She pouted.

"I love Mami too" I whispered.

"When Mami coming back?" She laid on my chest.

"Soon, she gets off at 6, and then I gotta go at 8... " I told her.

She whined, and hugged me tight. "I don't wan you to go" She started crying.

"I have to work Anna" I wiped her tears.

"Don't go to work" She squeezed me.

I laughed. "I have to buy food and get you those unicorn stuffies you like" I teased.

"I like unicorn" She wiped her tears.

"Yeah, well if Mama has no money, and doesn't go to work, you can't have any more unicorns" I said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah" I laughed.

"Fine" She pouted out.

The door opened, Lana smiled super wide.

"Mami!" Anna called out, getting off the couch, running to hug her.

"Hello!" She picked her up and gave her a huge hug in her arms.

"Mami" She nuzzled in Lana's short hair.

I stood up and walked over to Lana, pecking her lips softly.

"Hey baby" She kissed my cheek, Anna in between us.

"How was work?" I asked.

She kicked off her heels, putting her purse down. "It was fine, nothing really that much" She walked into the kitchen with Anna in her hip.

"Mm, okay" I nodded.

"Are you covered in banana?" Lana laughed and grabbed a wipe, getting it off her face.

"Nana!" She pointed at the bananas.

"No more bananas" Lana sternly said. "They get you all sticky, and I know Mama lets you have them" She looked over at me.

"She's too cute" I shrugged.

"Kathy" She laughed, shaking her head.

-

"Wait, don't forget your backpack!" I handed Anna the bag.

"Bye Mama!" She waved off and got on the bus.

I teared up, Lana had work, so she had left earlier. I sighed out, it was weird to me to not have Anna all day. I was all alone, well, there was the new puppy, but that was all.

I went back inside the house, turning the TV on. I felt nervous, because Anna wasn't in my sight, and she could get hurt. It was a motherly instinct that I had to let go. Anna was going to be alright, she was going to be fine.

I fell asleep on the couch, waking up to Anna fiddling with the door. I jumped up and opened the door.

"Mama!" She hugged me tight, I picked the 6 year old up and giggled.

"I missed you" I smiled.

"I missed you too" She smiled, her curly hair all frizzed up.

"I knew I should've put it up" I sighed.

"Mami is better at curly hair" She pouted.

"Yeah, that's because your mom grew up with curly hair in her family" I pointed out.

"You didn't use the condi- the hair stuff" She tried to say.

"I didn't use the conditioner" I practically face palmed.

"Yeah" She pouted.

-

I laid gently in Lana's arms, enjoying the soft carmel skin, that always felt like silk. Lana loved playing in my hair and giving me soft kisses on my head. Honestly, I just loved the attention.

"You wanna adopt a kid?" She asked gently.

I paused, Anna was 7 now, and Adopting a kid wasn't much more of a responsibility, especially since Lana's work paid her so much.

"Yeah" I agreed, Lana smiled really bright.

"I love you Kathy" She breathed out, kissing my head over and over.

"I love you too" I whispered, accepting the kisses she gave.

-

"Eric!" I called out, he stared back at us, his smile reminding me of my father.

"Mom... " He giggled. "I have to go".

I ran to him, hugging him super hard. "I love you" Tears ran down my eyes.

"I love you too mom" He kissed my cheek.

"Why did you grow up so fast?" I whined.

"I don't know Mom" He laughed, tearing up.

"Kathy... " Lana smiled, pulling me back.

"No" I looked at him.

"Bye mom, and mama" He gave us both a kiss on the cheek, leaving with his suitcase.

I cried harder, holding Lana.

"He'll be back alright?" She told me.

"I miss him" I whispered.

"I know" She kissed the top of my head.

"It was like yesterday we got him" I said, quivering.

"Yeah, it was... It practically was yesterday" She agreed. "But guess what, it just means we'll be grandparents sooner" She giggled, walking with me out the airport.

I looked back, sighing softly. Lana was right, life always went on no matter what happened, no matter to circumstances you're going through, time is endless.

When we got home, it was particularly lonely, not bad, but just lonely, even with Lana with me. I missed my babies, Anna had her own home and husband, honestly I was waiting for grand babies.

-

"Grandma Kathy!" Rosa jumped on my lap, I adjusted my glasses.

"What do you want?" I giggled, my voice coarse with age, I stared over at Lana her wrinkles defining how long had really passed.

"I want you to read this book Grammy!" She handed it to me.

I read the book slowly, on the see through tablet, years had passed since 1995. It's like I remembered it yesterday, Lana being drunk off her ass, passed out on my bed.

Fights and little happy moments, I grabbed her hand as I read. I felt complexed, there wasn't much more time for us in this world. But every little second was worth every penny, every breath.

-

"Ill be fine" Lana promised me, holding my hand.

"You had a stroke" I sighed, shaking my head.

"A small one, it's not that big of a deal" She smiled.

"It wasn't small" I argued.

"But I didn't die, so it's alright" She closed her eyes.

"It's not alright, you're in pain" I worried.

"So? I've been through worse" She laughed.

"Lana you're-"

"Shut up, don't even mention that word" She pouted.

"You're dying" I finished.

"I am not, I'm perfectly fine!" She snapped.

"Lana, we're old, sometimes I forget where I'm even going" I said.

"So what, I'm old, I'm an old little Abuelita that got sick, and us Serrano's don't give up" She huffed.

"You can't fight something you can't control" I worried.

"Kathy, please... Shut the fuck up, just this once... I don't wanna hear it" She got angry.

"Oh, shut the fuck up? Me? Who's sitting by your side while you spit bullshit, when the doctors say you're gonna die in the next week because you have severe cardiac vascular disease!" I snapped.

"Shut up!" She screamed in my face, I backed up.

"I love you, I don't want to be alone, I- I'm scared" I teared up. "It's always been us, both of us" I said.

"Shut up... " She started crying.

"Alright" I sighed, internally hurting.

-

I gritted my teeth, getting out of bed. I stared over on the other side of the bed, empty. I didn't even get to say goodbye, I just was selfish, so fucking selfish.

I missed her, and not just miss. I wanted her, I wanted to smile again, I wanted to be happy.

I turned on the CD player, those damn Spice Girls. Stupid Destiny's Child, Beyonce, Rhianna, and Selena. I cried hard, so hard my chest hurt like a brick.

I missed waking up to Spanish music, knowing she was on a cleaning spree. I missed those smiles and dark locks. I clicked the tape player, the one I made for her.

Yeah, it's shit, I hated the world once. Then I loved it because she made me see it so differently, made me feel like I was worth something that I made a difference, that I was actually someone. And she was an angel, I hated the thought of God, but if he did exist, he made her for sure.

I closed my eyes and listened, memories flowed in my head, and it was fine. She'd tell me it was fine, because Lana was like that she was always like that. She made everything seem like it was bright, the world was filled with flowers.

I breathed, she was gone, but always with me. I knew that, I knew she loved me, I knew part of me died with her. But accepting that was the biggest issue, she was gone.

Gone

Gone

_Gone..._

**_It set in_ **

I smiled, looking at the pictures of us. I guess I was happy, happy to at least have had her. I shouldn't keep mourning, she wouldn't want that, for me to be sad. 

Remembering her was the best I could do. Telling stories about her, I wasn't her.

I wasn't her, that wasn't my whole life, my life is defined by me, she was a good part of it. And it was the best to move on and live it to the best of my abilities.

-

"Mama you got me tired" Anna breathed out, huffing softly.

"Oh come on you're only 50" I giggled.

"Yeah, and you're 75, gosh... How are you even standing?" She sat on the ground.

"This is just a little hike up to the water springs" I dusted off my shorts.

"Little hike?" She scoffed.

"It's only 7 miles, where's your sense of adventure?" I grinned.

"Oh gosh Mom" She sighed out.

"You complain too much, get up" I grabbed my walking stick. I started walking up the hill again, I always wanted to visit Belize, and see the beautiful waters of it.

"You know, people your age don't just go on hikes, and trips to different countries" She pointed.

"Guess I'm different" I smirked, looking back at her.

"You'll eat those words one day" She joked.

"Oh, you want me to die so soon?" I teased.

"Hush, you know what I meant"

-

"You're 76?!" The woman gawked.

"Yeah" I sipped some sake.

"You look so young" She shook her head.

"Yeah, people have even said I look like I'm 40" I chuckled.

"You do" She drank her cocktail.

"I haven't met many people who speak English in Japan" I sighed. "Glad there's at least you" I sipped more.

"Yeah, I'm glad I met you, I mean, you looked like a native... So I just thought you were" She pointed out.

"My mother was japanese so that's probably why" I mentioned.

"Well, she must have traded those genes to you for sure" She giggled.

"She was beautiful even when she passed away" I smiled at it. "She was a nice woman" I nodded.

"I bet your husband is super lucky" She sighed softly.

"I had a wife, she passed away" I said.

"Oh I'm so sorry" She saddened.

"I don't talk about it much like a tragedy... More like... " I paused. "I'm just waiting to meet her again in another life... So, I might as well live this one out" I smiled brightly. "She'd like that".

"She sounded like a positive person"

"Oh, she was, sometimes unbearably positive" I laughed.

"Like Yin and Yang" She looked at me.

"Yeah, total opposites" I looked up. "She'd probably hit me for that one" I tipped my glass up to the sky.

"You must of really loved her"

"Oh yeah, I did, I loved her a lot... I like talking about her as much as I can, for the little time I have left"

"Yeah"

-

I stared up at the ceiling, a gas mask on my mouth.

"They said we can transport your memories to a robot before you go" Eric held my hand.

"Don't punish yourself" I joked.

"Mom, you can be saved, you can live longer" He looked in my eyes.

"They don't know if that body really holds my soul, it might have my memories, it might look like me, it might talk like me... But is it truly me?" I smiled.

"Mom-"

"I wanna see her" I sighed. "It's my time, my time to go" I teared up, happy tears falling down. "I want to go"

"Mom, you can keep living, you-"

"Let me go, you know it's really unhealthy to hold on to somebody like that" I mentioned.

"Is this what you want?"

"Yes, I'm not a vessel, unplug me, let me go"

"Alright, love you mom" He kissed the top of my head.

"I love you" I sighed out. "Ill say hi for you" I looked up.

"Goodbye" He whispered.

"Goodbye" I looked at my kids one last time.

"I'm coming home Lana" I smiled super bright, closing my eyes.

-

"Kathy!" She ran to me, I cried hard.

"I missed you" I giggled, snuggling in her chest. "Is this heaven?" I looked around.

"No, it's kinda like purgatory" She slowly turned into someone else. "Lance, my true name" He introduced himself.

"I'm... Kenneth" I laughed happily. "I- remember" I looked around. "I... I missed you, even though it was you this whole time" I breathed, hugging him close.

"We don't have much time, after all, I'm a figment of your transition, but my soul is here" He whispered.

"I love you, I'll love you again!" I screamed, before he disappeared.

_Blue...._

A field of;

 **_Forget me nots..._ **  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, this arc is over! I enjoyed writing this one the most, but the next one is up for writing, it will have lots of warnings before it, please read them before reading! It's done as notes, please note that this story is a coping method for me, and I don't mean any actual harm on the characters, I don't write a sad story just for them to be sad... I write survival stories, so if you do find reality disgusting, I would just like to say I warned you 3 times before! Anyways love, Jay (^‿^✿)


	18. Secrets and Truth

**WARNING** : _Story perceives pedophilia, not as a kink, rather than its true nature on victims. It's initial affects and mental impact of a victim. Please saying the victim is disgusting or mentioning that the writing of a survival story is disgusting, is very harmful to people who have been through these kind of issues._

_ Pedophilia is not okay, nor will ever be, if you are a victim of anything mentioned or feel you relate to its abuse by this story. Please tell someone, call 911, I promise being a survivor for younger people to look up to is far better than saying silent. _

**_ If you don't wish to read this specific chapter that goes in depth, it is okay to skip it, since it is repeated through trauma in future chapters.  _ **

**_ - _ **

"This is your new foster father Keith" My worker introduced me to him.

"Hi" He smiled, I was confused, should I trust this man? The last time I trusted someone I was left to starve on the streets.

"Hi" I timidly shook his hand, my bags of stuff hidden behind me.

"He's very shy" She mentioned. "But I'm sure he'll warm up to you eventually" She put her hand on my shoulder.

"I'm Richard, it's nice to meet you Keith" He smiled, I felt particularly safe.

"Alright, so, just get him cozy for a week... See how you do" She left through the door, quickly and brief.

"Well, little buddy, how about you call me dad for now on, since I am your dad" He smiled.

"Alright" I smiled slightly and pulled my bags into the room I was supposed to be in, I looked around, it was like he knew what I liked.

"You got any friends?" He asked, looking in the room.

"3" I answered briefly.

"3... What are their names?" He asked.

"Katie, Hope, and Lance" I answered, sitting on the small bed.

"Ahh, those sound like nice names" He sat down next to me. "What are they like?"

"Lance is a goofball" I giggled.

"Oh?"

"Katie is super smart, like crazy smart" I looked up at him.

"And Hope?"

"She's super nice, and kind" I looked down.

"They sound nice, a good balance" He elbowed me softly.

-

"Did you get this?" Lance asked me.

"No"

"Hope?!" He practically begged.

"No... I don't get this 2 number adding" She sighed.

"Ugh, why did Katie have to be gone today?" He hit his head on the table over and over.

"She was sick, at least, that's what she texted me" I showed him.

"At least we're not just stupid, the class isn't getting it either" Hope smiled.

"Thank god, usually I'm just stupid" Lance laughed.

"You're not stupid, just different talents in different places" I looked at Lance.

"Yeah" Hope agreed. "I can't paint at all" She giggled.

"You guys think I'm good at painting?" He pouted.

"Duh" Hope rolled her eyes.

"You're good at singing too" I added.

"Thanks guys" He hid his blush.

"You're welcome" Hope smiled.

-

"Dad?" I came from down the hall.

"Yeah, Keith?" He lifted up.

"I got scared" I whined, sitting down next to him.

"Oh, monsters" He winked.

"No, I had a nightmare" I whined.

"About what?" He asked.

"About being hurt, and... Not getting to eat" I started crying. "My last foster parent didn't feed me, he'd call it a punishment" I grabbed his arm.

"You'll get to always eat here, though I might ground you to your room, I'd never not let you eat" He smiled, scooping me up in his arms.

"I like food" I nuzzled in his chest.

"Me too kid, I'll make sure you'll eat a lot, so... Don't worry" He pet through my long hair.

"Alright, is it okay if I sleep here?" I blinked my eyes slowly.

"Yeah, go ahead little buddy" He kept petting through my hair as I fell asleep.

I slept nicely that night, waking up on the couch next to my foster dad. He was super nice, for once I trusted a foster parent.

I hugged him super tight, the last time I was this happy was with my father. And that was 2 years ago before he died. Richard kind of smelled like him too.

"Oh, hugs this early?" He giggled, hugging back.

"Yeah" I smiled.

"Alright you wanna get pancakes?" He asked.

"Pancakes!" I shot up.

-

"So, he doesn't like hit you or anything?" Lance asked me, snuggling into his stuffed shark.

"No, he feeds me, and I get treats all the time" I leaned on Lance's shoulder.

"Suspicious" He lifted a brow.

"No, he's really good, I promise" I giggled.

"Just kidding, you know me" He elbowed me.

"Yeah" I giggled too, holding his hand as he played his DS with the other.

"You coming to my birthday?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm your best friend" I looked at him like he was crazy.

"That's what I thought" He smirked.

"Oh shut up" I whined, pushing him.

"I was just kidding" He giggled.

"Sure" I pouted.

"You're my best friend~ my bff" He sang.

"Prove it" I shot back.

"This" He showed the bracelet I made him.

"You win" I sighed, he hugged me tight, snuggling me close.

"Mine" He declared.

"Mine" I said back.

-

I sat in dad's lap as we watched TV, eating chips and drinking water, his arms were around my chest, my back against his body.

It felt weird, like the remote fell between us. "Dad, what's poking me?" I asked, concerned, "Did you drop something?" I looked in his brown eyes.

"Nah, it's nothing, there's nothing there" He promised.

"It feels weird" I tried to sit in a different position, it kept poking.

"Just, sit still" He gulped.

"I can't I want it gone" I whined.

"You can make it go away if we play a game... " He smiled.

"A game?" I got excited.

"You just gotta tell no one" He shushed with his finger. "Or they'll take you away from me" He warned.

"I won't tell anyone" I zipped over my lips.

"Good" He grinned. "Let's start the game" He smirked.

I giggled, turning around to him. "What do I do first?" I asked.

"Touch this" He led my hand in between his legs.

"What's that" I crossed my brows.

"A popsicle" He told me.

"It doesn't feel cold" I argued.

"It's a different kind of popsicle, and it gets more flavor the more you touch it"

"Oh" I touched it more.

He pulled down his pants, I stared, giggling a little. "That's not a popsicle, it's a wee wee" I touched the tip.

"You got me, not a popsicle, but you should keep touching it"

"Why?"

"It'll make me feel really good" He pet through my head. "It's like telling me that you love me" He pinched my cheek.

"I love you" I hugged him.

"Then touch it, show me" He cupped my face, I nodded.

I touched it slowly, he gasped out loud. "Why do you make sounds?" I asked.

"Feels good" He nodded.

"Oh... " I stared down at it, it wasn't like mine, it was huge, not even my long fingers wrapped around it.

"Lick it" He demanded.

I opened my mouth, giving a tiny lick on it. It was salty but tasted alright. I licked it more, putting my mouth to suck the tip.

"Good boy" His hands ran through my hair. I didn't understand what felt so good, but at least I was making him happy.

"Keep going, and drink the milk-" He gave a harsh squeal out as my mouth filled up with white stuff.

"The milk tastes good" I said, it was all over my face.

"You're such a good kid" He kissed me with tongue. It was weird, but I liked the feeling of my chest burning.

"I love you Dad" I giggled.

"I love you too, how about you do this again, and you'll get ice cream" He promised with his pinky.

"Yeah" I pinky swore.

-

"How about I make you feel good?" He asked, I turned my head to the side.

"You can?"

"Yeah, see" His hands rubbed over between my legs, it felt weird, but good, really good, I hitched my breath really loud.

"It's good" I whined, my hips rolling on their own.

"It feels better without your clothes" He pulled my pants off, pinching my wee wee. I shouted, not like, I wanted to, it just felt so good, I screamed.

"Good boy, it feels good doesn't it?"

"Yeah" I nodded, he grabbed a thing from out the dresser.

"I'm gonna make you feel even better" He put the bottle stuff on his fingers.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah" His finger touched my butthole.

"What are you doing?"

"Relax" He rubbed my tummy, I closed my eyes and spread my legs.

He pushed in a little, it didn't hurt, it just felt weird.

"It's weird" I whined.

"Bend over on your belly"

"Okay" I planted my face into the bed.

He hooked his fingers around, until I screamed really bad, should I feel this good, it felt like heaven.

"Scream more, tell me how much you love me, baby boy" He whispered.

"I love you Dad, it feels so good, I feel good" I nodded, tears falling out my eyes from the feelings I was witnessing.

"You're my good little slut" He said.

"I'm a good slut" I didn't even know what I was saying, but everything felt like jelly.

-

"I brought someone to join our game" He introduced me to this woman.

"Hello" I smiled.

"She's your mom" He promised.

"Yep, I'm your mom" She gave me a hug.

"She definitely loves the game we play Keith... She even said she'll get you a motor bike if she can join" He said.

I nodded quickly. "She can be in our game" I said.

"Good, that's what I wanna hear" He clapped, she smirked.

-

"She's different Keith" He showed me her wee wee.

"Why?" I asked.

"So she can have a baby" He explained.

"Do I lick it?" I asked.

"Yes" She brought my head down, I sniffed, it smelled like metal and flowers. A weird combination, but I licked it.

"It's good" I kept licking, she made noises.

"Lick the nub, and she'll feel really good" He pointed, I licked the nub she gasped.

"Mommy" I giggled, licking over and over.

"Fuck" She rasped, holding me deep in between her legs as she pulled my face in. I licked harder, she whined louder, I was doing good.

"Fucking fuck!" She peed on my face, I backed away, confused.

"That's her milk" He said, rubbing my back.

"Oh" I laughed.

-

"It hurts" I cried, his wee wee in my butthole a little.

"It'll feel good I promise, I just want to let you know I love you, and this is the farthest I can go" He caressed my face.

"Okay Dad" I whispered in pain, he pushed more in. "Stop, please, it really hurts" I whined.

"It'll be okay" He promised, moving more.

I screamed in pain. "Stop, I don't want to, it hurts!" I cried.

"I promise-" He went faster, I kept screaming and crying.

"Stop it!" I whined. "It hurts! It hurts" I sniffed up tears.

"Here" He put more bottle stuff on both of us. There was blood, I really hurt.

"Stop, I don't want to play this part of the game anymore" I cried hard.

"Shh" He put his hand over my mouth, I screamed again, kicking at him, it hurt so bad.

"Stop! Please! Ill do anything Dad" I begged.

"You'll get used to the feeling I promise" He kissed my neck.

"It hurts" I cried.

"I know baby" He kept going, I quivered in fear, I was in so much pain I froze, it didn't hurt as much, it felt like nothing.

I cuddled up in my blanket, sniffling as I cried, my butthole hurt, my body hurt, and worse.... He wanted more tomorrow. I just wanted the old game, not me bleeding. I loved Dad, I didn't understand why he hurt me, but it must mean what he says is true, it hurts at first but gets better.

I wanted it better now... I wish I wasn't crying and bleeding. I wanted to go back, I just wish he listened when I said no. I feel terrible, but there has to be a reason.

-

I slept next to Lance, staring at his sleeping face. The burning in my chest was on fire.

I loved Lance, and he didn't know, so maybe I would show him love. Maybe he'd like it.

I leaned in, kissing his lips, running my fingers through his hair. I dipped my tongue in his mouth just like Dad did to me.

"Keith!" He pushed me away, I didn't understand, why didn't he like it.

"I love you" I touched between his legs.

"Stop!" He pulled my hand from there.

"Why? Do you not love me, I just... I want to love you" I cried.

"You don't touch those places!" He snapped. "No matter what, we're not old enough" He argued.

"But... I thought"

"Keith, who told you those places were okay to touch?" He cupped my face.

"I promised not to tell" I looked away.

"I'm your best friend, you can tell me" He ran his thumbs over my cheeks.

"My Dad, he touches me... Like my wee wee, but, it feels good... And I drink his milk, but it's because he loves me... He says it's how you show love to eachother" I looked at Lance. "So I tried to touch you".

"Keith, my mom doesn't do that to me, no parents ever touch their kids like that, my mommy told me that no one should ever touch you... Until you're older and understand" He got out of bed.

"Are you telling her?" I freaked, getting up. "They'll take him away, please don't" I begged.

"I'm doing this because I love you" He spat back, slamming the door.

I breathed in and out in a panic, I ran to the door it was locked. I needed to tell Dad, I needed out...

I heard footsteps into the hallway, opening the door. Lance's mom bended down and hugged me super tight.

"We're gonna get you out of there, I promise" She pet through my hair.

"But Dad, he's- he's gonna go away" I cried.

"He's not your dad, he's a monster" She snapped.

"No! I-" I cried out.

"He took advantage of you, he hurt you" She sighed.

-

I was in the custody of Lance's mom, which meant I was her child. I was so confused about why things were wrong and what was right.

I started seeing a therapist, who explained that I was manipulated into a sick game. I felt disgusting mostly, and guilty that my old Dad was in jail. I was terrible, a terrible kid.

I fell silent it was better that way, to ignore things rather than face them, or accept that I was hurt. Accept that that wasn't love.

Lance always listened to me when I needed to talk, even though some of the things made him sad, he knew the most.

I honestly hated myself more than anything. I was stupid, and even more stupid, it was my fault I didn't tell anyone. I could've been saved earlier, or had it stop earlier, I ignored it.

I acted like nothing changed, and no one else knew the story except Lance, and his family, my new family. I kept it that way it was better.

-

I sighed, looking over at Lance and his new girlfriend Natalia.

"C'mon Keith, isn't she the cutest" He teased.

I smiled, of course who would ever want to date a 16 year old who was raped at 7.

" _She's cute_ "  
  



	19. Girlfriend

_Dear Diary, mom is practically forcing me to use you, to "express" my feelings. I don't have many, honestly, I know she's going to use this to find out what I'm thinking, I'm not falling for it, so... I guess this is all I have to say._

- _Keith Koga_

I dropped the pen and sighed, closing the book, it was sure to get ink all over the place, but did I care? No.

I wanted to throw the book, get rid of it, not even see it. I thrashed myself in my bed, falling asleep. I felt alone, I always felt alone, sometimes I dreamed about falling in love.

Holding someone's hand, trusting them with myself. I just felt disgusting afterwards, I wouldn't ever tell Mom, never, it was better to stay silent.

-

"Keith, you're getting older now" She sat next to me, and held my hand.

"Yeah" I nodded.

"It's time I told you about love-"

"It doesn't exist" I finished the sentence for her.

"It does, just because-"

"Yeah, just stop, I don't want to talk about it" I teared up.

"Well, we need to, whether you like it or not" She argued.

I hated this, I didn't want to talk about it, especially since my past.

"Look, I know, I know it hurts to talk about this, but I want you to be safe when you make a decision to be intimate with someone else... I want you to be ready" She said softly.

I got up. "No one's ever gonna love me like that Carmen, so just leave, don't even waste your time"

"You need to use protection, and know how to be safe" She pleaded.

"My counselor already went through everything, no need to worry" I opened the door.

"Keith"

"Leave!" I snapped.

-

I teared up gently, my mind tracing back to being pinned down by him. I wanted to be normal, I wanted to joke about sex like all the other kids did, I wanted to hold someone without feeling like it was him holding me.

And the only person who I trusted to hug me was Lance, sweet Lance. He never once hurt me, or told me I was disgusting, or even bullied me. He kept with us, but...

_I was choosing to be alone_

Not even talk to Lance, it was embarrassing for him to talk to me anyways with all his friends. I was alone.

"Keith?" Veronica opened the door.

"Yes?" I wiped my tears quickly.

"Dinner's ready alright?" She mentioned.

"Sure, I'll be down in a bit" I promised, but I knew I was gonna skip dinner.

-

"Can I have the computer?" I asked Lance, he stared over at me.

"Yeah" He shrugged.

"Thanks" I pulled it with me, getting out of his room.

I opened the desktop, the laptop blaring moans as I opened it. "Fuck!" I closed it, no one heard at least.

I pulled headphones from my phone and plugged it in. It scared me shitless but most of all, this was Lance's computer.

We had a joint account, but I never thought that Lance would use it to watch porn.

I never liked porn, even though I was 13, and all my locker peers raved about it in GYM. I couldn't touch myself without having some sort of panic attack.

And when I got my first boner, it honestly was one of the worst panic attacks I ever had. I tried everything to make it go away without restoring to pleasure. I even tried to cut it off, and I finally woke up out of the panic attack when, basically my dick was bleeding.

I opened the laptop softly, I envied that Lance could watch stuff like this. I clicked play, putting the ear bud in.

It was a guy fucking a girl roughly, and honestly, I didn't get a reaction from anything. She hardly looked interested in the guy she was with, so much, that I could tell they were strangers.

I went into the history, 20 different videos. I clicked another one, the previous video.

It was from the back with a woman, I was so uninterested in it, I clicked a random one.

I paused, it was a guy and a guy, there were a bunch of gay videos also. I closed the laptop, and shook in fear, not because I learned Lance was gay, but because I had gotten hard from it.

"No!" I wailed, trailing to the bathroom, I threw up, crying and hiccuping.

I was disgusting, it made me gay, he made me gay, what happened to me as a kid made me gay.

I rocked back and fourth softly, crying hard into my knees, I watched a girl get fucked, why didn't I react to that, why didn't I?!!

I hiccuped gently, laying on the cold wet floor, I didn't care, I didn't care, I didn't care, I didn't care.

Lance knocked on the door. "Did you open the laptop yet?" He asked.

I laid still.

"I... Had some stuff not closed, or deleted, I... Gosh this is awkward" He sighed, "I'm coming in".

I shook lightly on the ground, slow tears fell out my eyes.

"Keith" He pulled me in his arms.

"I don't want to" I whispered, "I don't want it" I cried.

"No one's here, everyone loves you, no one's gonna hurt you" He rubbed my back softly.

"I don't want to be-" I hiccuped harder. "I don't want to be g-gay, I don't" I whispered.

Lance was confused, "You're gay?" He asked.

I shook my head, I wanted to deny it I wanted to be normal. "I- I don't want to be... But I am- I-".

"Hey, what happened to you as a kid doesn't define your sexuality Keith, you're gay, but that doesn't mean, he made you that way" He whispered.

I coughed. "It does"

"It doesn't"

I hugged around him, listening to his heartbeat, I felt safe, calm. I nuzzled in his chest, warmth, and love. I felt that burning sensation, but in my chest and cheeks.

"I'm bisexual" He said. "And, it's not because of my childhood, it's just because I like boys and girls" He pet through my hair.

"I know" I mumbled.

"How do you-" He paused. "Oh yeah... ".

"I just hope you treat a girl at least right, and not like those videos" I whined.

"Wha-" He crossed. "I'd never treat a lady like that" He laughed softly.

"I hope so" I sniffed.

-

"Isn't this great" He giggled, a bisexual flag wrapped around his neck.

I nodded, sighing gently. "You look great" I pulled my gay flag around my neck.

"Mom, we're ready to go to pride" He gleamed, his smile making me burn again.

"Alright, Veronica are you ready?" She yelled out, Veronica came down in a bisexual flag also.

"Yep, I grabbed my purse" She went next to Lance and giggled.

"Alright, into the car you three" She ushered us out the door.

-

"This is so cool" Lance shouted, trying to up his voice from the music. We had somehow got on a float with the Drag Queens. I sat still and nodded.

"Come on Keith aren't you excited?" He gleamed.

"Yeah" My cheeks burned bright pink.

"Then smile" He elbowed me.

I smiled gently, and without thinking I kissed Lance's cheek.

"Awwwe I love you too" He grinned, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

I burned even hotter, "You're like the bestest friend ever" He finished his sentence.

I frowned, sighing lightly at myself, what else was I hoping for?

-

"She is the cutest" Lance gave her peppered kisses on her neck.

I was jealous, jealous that she had him, that knowing him for 11 years amounted to nothing. When she had only known him for 3 months.

"You're cute" She giggled back.

I got up from the couch. "I got homework to do, I'll catch you later" I sighed briefly.

"Alright" Lance laughed through kisses as I went up the stairs.

-

"You know Lance right?" Natalia sat in my desk chair, folding her stupid perfect legs folding over each other. Her long blonde hair, curled and done up just right.

"Yeah"

"You're like his older brother huh?"

"We're not related in the slightest, he's my best friend" I corrected her, typing up my paper.

"Oh, well... Do you know what he wants for his birthday?" She asked.

"A surf board" I answered immediately.

"Really? I never thought of him as the surfing type"

"Well, he's obsessed with surfing in Cuba when we go every year" I honestly couldn't believe how much she didn't know him.

"Alright, thanks" She got up and giggled.

"You're welcome" I commented.

"Oh, by the way... " She creaked the door a little to open it before exiting. "Lance told me he sees you as a big brother, so might as well get rid of the crush you have" She smiled evilly.

"What?" I crossed my brows, I was confused, Lance had always corrected me when we were younger about even being brothers. He practically hated it when someone would call me his brother.

"Well, just thought I'd let you know" She shut the door.

Why did I tear up? Why was I crying, why the hell did I want to bash that little white girls face into the curb?

-

"A surf board, how did you know?!" He smiled brightly, kissing her lips.

"I get around" She mentioned.

"And the next present, awe it's Keith's" He giggled over at me.

"Open it" I gestured.

He tore the wrapping off, giggling. "Oh my god!" He jumped up and down. "Keith, is this an Atari?!" He rolled his eyes in happiness.

"Yep"

"Gosh, I love you man"

"Love you too" I answered nonchalantly.

-

"Why didn't you tell me about the Atari?" Natalia asked.

"Because it was my present, I already told you what to get him" I sighed.

"Gosh, you're such a skank, way to one up me, you won"

"Alright" I ignored her.

"He's mine"

"He is" I confirmed.

"Then why are you trying to sabotage our relationship, with your stupid inputs" She slithered out her words like a snake.

"I'm not, you're just insecure, you know... " I paused. "True love is letting go of someone you really want, just for their happiness" I said.

"And tag along? Gosh you make no fucking sense, I'm not insecure either, I just want you off my man" She flipped her hair and smacked her thick fake lips.

"Okay" I kept reading my book.

"Alright" She smiled.

-

"Keith, can you not cuddle up on me, Natalia's been getting super jealous lately... " He smiled, pushing me off gently.

"But we've always done this" I pointed out.

"I know, she's just... Ugh... " He rolled his eyes.

"She's not here" I mumbled.

"You're right, she's not" He leaned on my shoulder. "I feel so stressed" He whined.

I pet through his soft curls. "I know" I whispered.

"You probably think I'm a jackass for having fun without you" He laid in my lap.

"Not really, you're super happy with Natalia, it makes me happy" I said.

"I'm starting to feel we're never happy, all we do is argue, she always wants my attention, even when I'm doing homework... " He groaned. "And when I tell her I'm busy doing work she accuses me of cheating!" He snapped.

"She sounds like an angry pea" I noted.

"She's so stingy" He crossed his arms.

"She's just protective, nothing wrong with that" I sighed.

"Yeah, except when she thinks we're doing stuff, then it's a huge fight, she's so damn jealous of you and I have no fucking clue why" He shot out.

"We're best friends"

"I know!"

"We have a deeper connection" I tilted my head.

"I mean yeah, but me and Natalia are in love, and we're simply platonic... "

"Yeah" I tried to say in the calmest voice possible.

"She's over her head" He rolled his eyes.

-

"Honestly, why doesn't he just get into a relationship and leave you alone" Natalia rolled her eyes at me.

"Drop it, alright, I'm not fucking my best friend" I scoffed.

"No seriously, Keith is attractive, and he gets guys hitting on him all the time, what's so damn wrong with him, that he can't even give a guy a chance" She sighed.

"Leave it"

"Is he waiting for you to break up with me? So he can steal you?" She snapped.

"No-"

"Then what-"

"He was raped! Alright, and he's got major trust issues, extreme trust issues, now, will you let it go?!" I screamed.

"Oh, when?"

"I'm not telling you, alright, he's very sensitive about it, he has a lot of panic attacks, and episodes" I looked away.

"So, that's why he doesn't trust anybody but you?" She asked.

"Yes... " I groaned.

"Was he a kid?" She questioned.

"I'm not going to let you know, let it go" I begged.

"So he's in love with you because of you being there for him?"

"Natalia" I snapped.

-

"Lance told me why he wouldn't ever want to be with you" She dried a dish next to me.

"Yeah.. " I scoffed, ignoring her comment.

"He says it's because you were raped" She said.

I dropped a dish on the ground and let it shatter. I stood still, tears broke from my eyes, all I could do was stare and shake, it was like my worst fear was said. I felt my first heavy drop of tears fall to the ground.

"Keith?" Carmen came into the kitchen along with Lance.

I turned, tears in my eyes as I wept, I dashed past both of them out the front door, not looking back. I thought I heard yells, but I kept going, I kept running.

I found myself at the childhood park I used to go to, hiding in one of the dome glass squares, all these stupid memories played through my head.

All the thoughts of being with Lance, all the fake kisses, marriages and lives I made up with him shattered.

_He thought I was disgusting._


	20. Soft and Cold

I ran down the street after Keith, what happened? Why did he run away? It wasn't like Keith. 

I searched everywhere, knocked on doors even, I was doing anything to find him. 

I called him 50 times without an answer. I was scared, he could've been kidnapped, hurt, or worst case scenario raped again, I didn't want that. I didn't care, I was going to find him, and take him home. 

I looked over at the playground, my heart beating. It was dark, the midnight sky twinkling, I heard sniffling, and then sobbing. 

I followed the sound, finding Keith curled up in his knees, I felt terrible, he was out here all by himself, for hours. Hours having panic attacks, he wasn't even responding to me being there. 

I pulled him into my arms and into my lap, sighing gently as I let him cry into my chest. I rubbed his back softly for comfort, whispering okays, and alrights. 

I convinced him to go home with me, he was still shaking and crying. As soon as we got home I went straight upstairs with him, to my bed. I laid with him in my arms, rubbing his sides until he fell asleep. 

Honestly, I haven't slept with Keith in a long time. The last time was when I was 12, I honestly started crying, not because he cried, just because of how I treated him. 

My very very amazing, best friend

-

"Hey, you ever think we'll still be friends when we're older, like after college and stuff" I asked. 

"Probably" He answered gently, his black long hair flowing in his face. 

"You're right, I can't imagine living without you" I grabbed his hand. 

"I can't either" His voice changed feminine and older, with longer hair. 

"Kathy... " I smiled. 

"Lana" She teared up. 

"I missed you" I smiled, kissing her palm. 

"You're the one that died on me first" She joked. 

"Well, not my fault" I pouted. 

"You're dreaming" She pushed my hair behind my ear. 

"I-"

"Lance" Keith answered, "Wake up". 

-

I shot my eyes open on the bed, what a fucking weird dream. Honestly, I was a little freaked, but at least Keith was okay in my arms. His eyes were puffy and cheeks tear-stained. 

I caressed his soft cheek in my hand, he was beautiful, and kind, and gorgeous. He was like an angel sleeping softly, his lips looked soft, as he drooled on my pillows. I wish he knew how much he meant to me. 

What exactly was I thinking?

What was I doing? I pulled my hand away, Keith thought of me as his best friend, we were best friends. 

I heard sniffling, as he shuffled in the bed, his head laying on my chest, I shook gently, my hand hesitant. 

I pet through his soft dark hair, my fingers traveling through the strands like a soft river. He was gently waking up, but I didn't stop holding him close. 

"Lance?" He sniffed, lifting his head. 

"Yeah?"

"Am I dreaming right now?" He pondered aloud. 

"No" I answered, pulling down my hand from his head. 

"Why are you being so affectionate to me?" He scoffed, getting up. 

"Because you were hurting last night, and I-"

"Do you hate me?"

I looked in his eyes, hate was the farthest thing I dreamt about. "No, Keith, I care about you, so much" I whispered, sitting up with him. 

"I-"

"Why would you ever think I would hate you?" I teared up, I was so torn that Keith would even glimpse at that thought. 

"Because I was-" He stopped. 

"What?"

"I-" He gulped, crying viciously, I grabbed his hand for comfort. "Because I was raped" He whispered. 

I stared at him, just stared, I bit my lip hard, not to start crying. Because I knew, I knew that thought alone hurt him so fucking much. And I never ever, ever would say those words to him. 

"It's true, you did say it then" His eyes watered up until his tears fell straight on my bed. 

"No! nonononono, god, I would never say that!" I pulled him into my arms, "I'm just shocked you would ever think that I would say that" I cried softly. 

"Then why don't you like me?" He asked. 

"I've been avoiding you because of Natalia, and... I really regret that, I should've never left you behind"

"Oh"

"Who... " I paused. "Who made you think I hated you because you were raped?" I wiped my tears. 

He looked away, almost guilty. He didn't want to tell me who it was. 

"Who!?" I snapped. 

"I'm sorry" He winced. 

"Tell me who it was"

"I don't want to"

"Why?"

"I just don't" He cried more. 

"It was Natalia, wasn't it? She the only person I told your story to... " I gritted my teeth. 

"It was just a small mistake, she wasn't thinking!" He shot back. 

"Why are you defending her?!" I yelled, "This isn't the first time is it?"

"Lance"

"How many times has she said hurtful things like that?!"

"Please"

"Stop it!" I cried hard, looking in his eyes. I cupped his face in my hands. 

"I-"

"Keith, you should've said something about this... "

"I'm sorry"

"Don't apologize, she's.... God, she's such a bitch, and the only reason she's with me is to gain popularity" I looked down softly. 

Keith looked sad into my eyes. "I didn't say anything because you looked so happy with her" He cried gently. "I didn't wanna ruin that, or make it seem that she was right, and I was just jealous... "

"Keith, if you were truly jealous, you would've made something up that she said a lot less worse than this" I rolled my eyes. 

"I'm sorry" He muzzled my chest crying hard. 

"No, I'm sorry" I corrected him. 

-

" Lance!" Natalia smiled brightly as I got to school on time. "Baby... " She came up to me, I stepped away from her hug. 

"Don't" I said nonchalantly. 

"What? What's wrong?"

"You know what's wrong" I stared at her with hate in my eyes. 

"Lance, it's not what you think, Keith, he made it up... See, he told me he did, I tried to talk it out of him, and he got upset" She whined. 

"You're lying" I snarled. 

"I-.... I am not" She assured in the most fake voice she could come up with. 

"Look, you're never going to admit to hurting him, so let's make a deal... " I offered. 

"What?" She looked confused. 

"You're popular enough, look around you, you got what you wanted, you really don't need me to carry on this relationship... I know you lied, because I've never seen my best friend so fucking hurt like that in a long ass time"  I sighed. 

"Fine, I get it, you caught me, so what? He was a little cunt anyways" She rolled  her eyes. "So what's the deal?". 

I gritted my teeth. "We broke up, it was mutual, you and I just didn't work out, you keep your damn friends, and I won't tell a fucking soul what you did" I looked at her. 

"Alright, and I guess I leave you alone then, since it'll be awkward" She looked at her nails. 

"Yes"

"Such a pity I told people I fucked you and it never happened, but... I guess this is goodbye to this pity case" She laughed. 

"Just go, I don't wanna hear what you have to say" I walked past her.

-

"Shh, it's okay" I pet through Keith's hair, honestly, since 13 I've cut him off, and I had no idea about half the fears he had. 

"Lance... " He wiped his tears in my chest. "Do you think anybody will ever love me?" He pondered. 

"Keith, you're, you're.... Amazing, I'm sure someone will love you, and they better take good care of you or I'll kill them" I joked. 

He sniffed and laughed. "I missed you" He whined. 

"I missed you too, a lot" I nuzzed in his neck, his pretty raven locks bunched in my hand. 

-

I stared at the sunset, his head laid on my shoulder. We were on the roof, it felt so calm, as the wind softly passed. 

"What a crazy year" He giggled. 

"It honestly was crazy, I can't believe I fell for a bitch" I joked, looking at him. 

"She was a bitch" He pouted, sighing gently at the horizon. 

"I'm glad I found love a different way, though my friends and family, I wish I turned to them a lot earlier" I rolled my eyes in regret. 

"It's the past, it doesn't matter what happened, now...... Now, is what we gotta worry about" He held my hand. 

"Now is pretty great"

"Yeah" He replied. 

"Do you ever get these dreams?"

"Dreams about what?" He asked. 

"Like a past life, or like memories that are randomly there... " I crossed my brows in confusion. 

"Sometimes"

"Are they about me?"

He looked at me in strange confusion. "Yeah, a lot"

"Like I'm a woman, and so are you"

"I get that one a lot" He looked away, I knew those dreams were very vivid, but everytime I woke up I couldn't remember who was there in my dream except the obvious feeling of it being Keith. 

"Are they like about marriage and stuff"

"Yeah... " He looked at me crazily. 

"Do you think we're soulmates?" I asked. 

"Yes" He stared in my eyes, holding my hand close, his eyes wavering back and forth. "Do you believe it?"

"Yeah" I admitted. 

He was an inch away from my face, my heart pounding in my head. I caressed his cheek and pulled his face in, kissing him. 

I was very hesitant, but it just came naturally, it was the best kiss I'd ever experienced. It was like we knew exactly where the puzzle pieces matched, where the went, who they were, and what to do with them. 

His hands roamed through my curly hair, my cheeks wet from his cheeks.   
"I love you" He wept in front of me, his chest falling up and down with panic. 

"It's okay" I laughed nervously, holding him closer into my arms. "I love you too" I pet through his hair. 

"How long?" He sniffed. 

I thought, "It's been a long time, I've just... " I paused. "I got lust and love mixed up, like.... Liking someone for how they looked rather than who they were... " 

"W-What else?" He looked in my eyes. 

"I guess I just realized what love was when my heartbeat would like, feel heavy... And I felt like fire, but it was only with you" I tried my best to explain. 

"Yeah, I... " Keith paused and wiped his tears, drying up his cheeks. "I feel the same, like... " He pulled me in for another kiss. "Burning". 

"Gosh" I kissed him again, my cheeks feeling like fire. 

"I've.... I've been in love with you since I was 10" He looked down. 

"I wish we got together a long time ago" I sighed to myself gently. 

"Me too" He smiled, holding my hands, entwining our fingers together. 

"I would've made so many better choices, especially being with you, I feel.... I feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with you"

"I do too" He giggled gently. 

"Okay... " I breathed. "I'm boyfriends with my best friend" I looked at him breathless. 

"Yeah, so am I" He noted. 

"I know" I laughed in happiness. 

"You're really excited" He said

"I am!" I shot back. "And you have no room to talk you literally broke into tears after our first kiss" I laughed. 

"I did, you're right" He giggled, leaning against me. "But I was so happy and relieved"

"You were?"

"Do you know how scared I was you didn't love me back, that you would've pushed me away if I kissed you?" He looked away. 

"Even if I didn't love you back I wouldn't have pushed you away!" I pouted. 

"I know, I just have irrational fears"

"Well they're gonna be solved all by me" I kissed his cheek. 

He held it softly and flustered. "You're cheesy" He smirked gently, lifting up softly to give me a gentle kiss. 

-


	21. Content

I laid softly on his chest, his breathing shallow and calm as his heartbeat was slow. I could almost feel it through my fingertips.

"I love you" I whispered softly, my hand trailing over his chest over and over.

He was sleeping, his restful eyes soft and his eyelashes long. And gosh, his tan skin was gorgeous. I lifted up a little and peppered a few kisses on his cheek.

"Keith" His rough voice croaked, opening his eyes, staring at me with grumpy eyes.

"It's noon" I mumbled.

"It is?" He looked at his phone. "Shit, it is"

"Told you"

"Whatever" He got up, sighing softly.

"Sorry-"

"It's okay Keith, lets get ready" He pulled out clothes. I got up and went into my room, changing quickly.

He wanted to go on a date, I guess that's why I'm smiling. I played with my long hair, staring into the mirror in my room. I felt special, like I mattered for once, that I made him happy. I pulled my hair into a ponytail.

-

"You two are together" One of Lance's friends pointed in disbelief.

"Yes" He answered.

"Why?" They asked.

I felt uncomfortable, like I didn't belong there.

"Because I love him" He simply said. "And I care about him, how hard is that to comprehend?" He crossed his arms.

"But he's emo" They whispered as if I couldn't hear.

"So? He's also my best friend, my boyfriend and possibly my husband one day" He smiled at me, my cheeks heated up, my chest heavy.

"You're fucking crazy for ass my man"   
One of his other friends laughed.

"It's not even-"

"He does have a little booty though" His friend's girlfriend said.

"That's not why I'm dating him, I-" He paused. "I truly love him, its not about his looks, or what he shows....I care about him" He held my hand.

"I love you too" I whispered back.

"Jesus, you sound like a Shakespearean poet" They laughed.

-

"Cmon' Keith, lets go!" He giggled. "It takes an hour to get up to Portland, and I don't wanna be late for our reservation"

"Coming!" I called, grabbing a pin and settling a barette above my ponytail. I walked out the door with him.

"Bye mom, see you by 10" He called out.

"Alright, mi hijo!"

We both got in the car together, I  buckled my seatbelt and continued to smile wide.

"You're cheery" He started the car.

"I've dreamed about my first date with you since I was 12" I noted aloud.

"Alright..." He awkwardly giggled.

"Don't act like its weird!" I pouted.

"It's not..." He reassured, holding my hand on the center console. "I've dreamed about it too" He paused. "Im just... Kinda in a blur it's all happening"

"Me too" I looked in his eyes.

"I love you" He giggled, continuing to drive.

"I love you too" I said softly, and honestly, I didn't know what to think of love. I knew I loved Lance, I knew I did... But it honestly was so damn hard to concept love, especially being tricked before.

It made me panic, that all of this was just to get to my body. That in the end Lance just did all of this to get sex out of me. But, I knew deep down, that wasn't true, I knew he cared about me, there were so many windows that he could've just taken advantage of me, but he didn't.

And then it happened, another repressed memory, I don't know exactly what triggered it, and my head was whirling.

I was in a car, eating icecream, my head flashing, it hurt, it hurt... His friends they were pinning me down in the backseat of his car... Their dirty hands were touching me, their smiles clouded with disgusting lust, and I liked the attention, I was just a kid, I didn't deserve this-

"Keith-"

I felt them up and down all over, in my head, out of it. I felt myself pool with arousal, it was disgusting, I wanted to slap myself for begging for more. I wanted to tear my arms off, bruise myself-

"Keith!!" Lance screamed, "Keith, mi amor, mira aqui-"

"No!" I pushed away.

"It's me, it's okay, you'll be alright.." He lifted my chin softly. "Please..." He begged. "Stop hurting yourself-"

I looked in his eyes, they were red from crying, we were already in Portland. Had I been panicking that long?

"I'm sorry" I whimpered, pulling down his hands.

"Please, don't apologize-" He ran his thumbs across my cheeks.

"No, It-" I paused. "I had a panic attack it was my fault-"

"No, its not your fault" He looked in my eyes. "You can't help it" He looked away and down.

"We're late-"

"I don't care, I care about you" He laughed through tears. "You scared the shit out of me" He hugged me tight. "You know that?"

"No-"

"I thought I hurt you"

"You could never hurt me" I laughed at the thought alone. "You're, you... "

He smiled and kissed my cheek, my face red and burning.

"And you love me?" He asked, pouting.

"Yes" I giggled, I loved how he knew exactly what to let go and forget until later.

-

"Do you want to go anywhere else?" He asked, after we got out of Spencers.

"We could go to Nordstrom like you wanted" I mentioned.

"Oh yeah, forgot about that" He giggled gently.

"Silly" I kissed his jawline softly.

"Lets go then" He held my hand, traveling over slowly.

-

"How does this look?" He showed off the suit.

"Like you're a celebrity"

"I'm not that hot"

"I beg to differ" I stood up and fixed his tie straight, giggling softly under my breath. "You look incredibly handsome"

"You're teasing me-"

"Not really" I stared in his eyes.

"You're far more handsome" He placed his arms around me, turning to the mirror together.

"We look so different" I grimaced.

"So?" He sighed. "We look like the perfect couple in my eyes".

"You look like a prom king" I joked.

"You look like a bad boy" He pursed his lips out, mocking me.

"Shut up!" I pushed him, giggling.

"Its true" He pulled me back in.

"Nah"

"Yeah~" His face got closer to mine, although, I wanted to kiss him, we were in public.

"You win" I pulled away, blushing terribly.

He smirked in completion, "So I guess I'm buying the suit for prom" He went back into the changing room.

"Yes, if you don't buy it, I will" I said through the door.

"Alright" He groaned and laughed.

-

I laid on his shoulder, watching the movie intensely. We always spent the nights on weekends cuddling up watching a movie.

He rubbed my back softly, I felt comfortable, laying in his soft arms. The best part is when he would comb through my hair, and honestly I could stay like that for hours.

"Babe" He looked at me.

"What?" I asked.

He smirked, pulling my face in, and kissing me. "That" He ended.

"Lance-" I mumbled, as I was pulled into another soft gentle smooch.

We didn't kiss often, not because we didn't want to, more or less he was trying not to scare me. Honestly, I was afraid, afriad I'd be hurt again, that he did just want sex, I was so confused.

_Too confused_

"S-stop-" I pushed him off, composing myself.

"What's wrong?" He asked, fretful he had hurt me.

"We need to talk"

"Are we breaking up?" He jumped to conclusions. "Because I was kinda suspecting that" He frowned.

"No-" I was _afraid,_ "I don't want us to break up, I just really want to talk about where we're going, what...." I paused. "What this" I pointed between us. "...Is leading to" I sighed.

"Us?"

"Yeah"

Lance thought, "Well, all I know is, I really need you, in my life-"

"Not the way future" I stopped him.

"Now?"

"I-"

"Keith, I'm not expecting for you to have sex with me" He blurted.

I looked in his eyes. "Do you think about it?"

Lance didn't want to answer the question, he kept so silent, so damn fucking silent.

"So you do" I looked away, red as a cherry.

"I-" He looked around for an answer. "I do, but..." He sighed out. "I don't expect you to make those thoughts a reality, I want you to be ready, I want you to make that decision Keith" He held my hand. "And maybe you decide you never want to have sex, but...." He caressed my cheek. "I'll still love you"

"I want to" I answered. "I do..." I gulped. "I just..." I started crying. "I don't know how to be in love" I started sobbing.

Lance's mouth dropped, and he held me close in shock. "Hey..." He laughed a little, lifting my chin gently. "It's okay, I'm not sure how to love either-"

"Yeah, well you weren't raped" I said coldly.

Lance sighed out. "He doesn't fucking matter-" He snapped. "I'm so tired of this, I'm not him, I'm not tricking you, and most of all, I will never fucking hurt you, this isn't a game" He shook his head furiously. "And honestly if I was out for your body Keith, I would've had it by now-"

"Stop-"

"In fact if I was so out for you, I would've raped you right here, while you're in my arms"

I pushed him away and fell off the bed onto the floor. I was scared, as I scrambled around.

"You really think I'm going to hurt you" He laughed, biting his lip, he started crying. "I love you so fucking much" He shook his head. "And you don't trust me"

"I do, I can't-"

"Can't what? Trust people?"

"I can't control being afraid" I murmured.

He paused. "What?"

"Its like a flight or fight response, I can't control when I have-" I breathed in and out, panicking. "When I'm afriad, I think everyone's out to get me, to take me down, t-to... rape me... I don't want to be afriad, I want to feel okay... I wanna be normal!" I shouted.

Lance got on the ground with me, his arms wrapping around me. "I'm sorry, I... Just, didn't understand" He kissed my cheek.

"I want you" I trailed over his chest. "I want to be like that with you, but... Now, I can't... I need to experience this slowly, I'm so confused what love is, and to me, it's..." I shook my head in disgust. "It's you taking me for yourself, to where I'm so tired, I can't even think, or drugging me up so your friends can do the same, pouding and pounding until....I'm gushing blood" I murmured, whispering the last part.

"I'd never do that" He started. "Love, is... Is holding you until I fall asleep, love is cuddling on a Saturday night, love is when my heart beats super loud in my head when I'm around you... And when I'm feeling the most terrible about myself, you're there to prove every doubt I have wrong" He entwined our fingers. "Or when you sneak a kiss to me before a football game" He giggled. "That's real love..."

"Is it?"

"Keith, I wish, I could take all your memories away, to make you be okay..." He pet through my hair. "But I can't, all I can do, is be here for you, and love you" He looked in my eyes. "I know how much it hurts to accept love, especially in your case, but I want you to try... " He pushed my bangs out the way.

I pulled him in a close hug, all I could do is breath. I couldn't talk, I couldn't think. As dramatic as it sounded, all I wanted to do was pretend we were kids again.

"Its okay" He kissed my lawline, pulling me into a soft kiss.

I loved him, so much.

-  
"Happy Birthday!!" They brought out a cake as they softly sang, I smiled gently, as they put the cake in front of me.

"17 years old, make a wish" Carmen smiled.

I blew out the candles gently, I honestly didn't wish for anything because, in reality I had gotten it.

"Lets cut the cake" Lance's father brought out the knife.

I opened a few presents and overall, with this family I've never had a terrible birthday. They've always loved me, as one of their own. In a way I think everyone knew that I'd eventually get with Lance, and Carmen brags about getting more grand babies from us.

All I can do is laugh, because I can see a future with him. A comfortable house with comfortable couches, and two kids. Maybe I shouldn't imagine it, but I do.

_I love Lance_

-

"What exactly did you want for your birthday, you said you'd tell me" Lance sat by me, holding my hand.

I was embarrassed, scared, and honestly I wanted to call it quits, "I-"

"Speak up, I can't hear you" He genuinely smiled.

"I want you-" I paused. "to-" I  gulped.

"It's okay" He whispered.

"I want you to help me-" I sighed. "...help me masturbate" I finally said.

He sighed softly.

"You don't have to, I just, I don't know how to stop the memories-" I started to freak out. "And I really want to be ready, I just need-"

"I'll do it" He cut me off. "You don't need to worry about explaining yourself, if you need this, I'm here for you" He pet through my hair staring into my eyes.

"Thank you" I mumbled, leaning into his touch, sighing softly to myself.

Lance smiled, "So, what do you want me to do?" He asked.

I pulled over my computer, setting it to the side. "I just need you to hold me, it's okay if you get turned on, or need to touch yourself, I just need somone there to reassure my panic attacks, that I'm not-" I paused, I couldn't explain it.

"You're not there and you're here"

"Yeah" I sat between his legs, cuddling up against him, my heart was pounding hard.

"Did you lock the door?"

"Yeah"

"Do you have lube?" He asked.

"No" I answered truthfully.

"Keith..." He sighed in disappointment.

"I just use the lotion-"

"That's terrible, you know-" He got up.

"I'm sorry, don't leave-"

"I'm getting my lube, it's safer on you anyways, I don't need you getting an infection" He headed out the door, coming back in with it, he got behind me.

"Thank you"

"I'll have to buy myself some more, you definitely need to keep it if all you've been using is lotion" He wrapped his arms around me.

"I didn't know it was harmful to use it" I muttered back, bringing over the computer, I placed it gently inbetween my legs, porn sites helped a lot of exploring what was too much for me and what wasn't.

"You're in the mood for vanilla?" He joked.

I frowned. "This is the main thing I'm into" I shot back.

Lance nodded. "There are kinks that are softcore" He said.

"Like what?"

"Well..." He paused. "Ice play, temp play... Humiliation play mostly is softcore" He said.

"I try to avoid things I've been through" I said.

Lance sighed at himself, "Keith, if you like something that makes you feel good, you shouldn't let that hold you back" He kissed my cheek.

I nodded, "How about I build up to that" I offered.

Lance smiled and kissed me, "Alright, whatever makes you feel comfortable" He gently said.

I turned on the first video and laid back, honestly, I was so afraid to even start, that I was spiraling unto a panic attack. But I needed an extra push, I needed to do this. "I'm scared of showing my body" I mentioned aloud.

Lance rubbed my sides. "Keith, you're beautiful, even if you had your dick rattled in a chainsaw, I'd still think its hot" He joked.

I laughed softly. "My dick hasn't been through a chainsaw, but at least I know you'll still love me" I kissed his cheek.

"I always love you" He pulled my pants down slowly, I breathed out softly, exposing yourself is hard.

"Im sorry" I didn't know what else to say.

"Why are you apologizing?"

"I don't know, I feel dirty" I sat in my underwear.

"You're not, this is normal Keith, you're normal" He whispered. "I'm not gonna force you to pull down your underwear, you have to do that yourself... You need to tell yourself you're ready, and nothing is going to stop you" He kissed the side of my neck.

I sighed out, it felt nice with him on my neck, I needed this. I pulled everything off and said fuck it.

"You're gorgeous" He said gently. "I don't know why you're so self conscious" He sighed gently, kissing my head. Honestly, I don't get turned on this easily, but with him, it was like nothing.

"You're turned on" I mentioned, feeling his erection through his pants.

"Yeah, sorry" He laughed huskily, that voice made me melt, I turned the computer up a bit, moans escaped from the speakers like melting lava in a volcano. I bit my lip, my cheeks flushed bright.

"Don't be" I whispered, getting the lube I put it on my hands. Breathing in, I exhaled loudly and finally touched myself, whining gently.

I felt like I was melting, and the blood from my lips was releasing on my toungue from biting so hard on the bottom one. I didn't want to moan, but it felt so good.

"Its okay" Lance kissed the side of my head, that really did it.

"Fuck" I moaned, gulping, I couldn't stop, and nothing was triggering any memories.

"Shh" Lance traced my body gently he kissed at my neck, honestly if we fucked I wouldn't complain.

"Touch me" I moaned, I didn't care.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"Yes, please..." I begged, he pulled my jaw over and kissed me fully, his hand traveling down my stomach and touching me.

"Baby" He roughly exhaled.

"Lance" I moaned softly.

"Does it feel good?" He pumped gently.

My legs felt like jelly, and my toes were curled like crazy, all I could do was nod.

"Good" He smiled, I could barely see through my tear ridden eyes from pleasure.

"I love you" I mumbled.

"I love you too" He went faster.

"Lance-" I was gonna cum, I knew it.

"It's okay" He whispered, kissing the side of my head a couple of times.

I choked on my own sob from cumming, his hand draped over my dick so it wouldn't splatter everywhere.

"Shh" He rubbed my stomach, to calm me down, "It's okay"

I froze, this is what he would do if I was afraid. "Stop" I pulled off his hand. "Please"

Lance let go, "What's wrong?".

"He would do that to calm me down after I freaked out-"

Lance shook in horror. "I-I didn't know-"

"Its fine, I know it was you, so I was okay" I looked over, pulling my blanket up.

"Alright, if you say so" He pulled over the tissue and wiped his hand off.

"Thank you" I said.

"Its no problem, if this gets you more comfortable sexually, its a good thing" He pulled me into a hug.

I felt bad, Lance was still turned on, and I hadn't done anything to him. "Do you want me to help-"

"No" He cut me off. "Today you just took 15 steps ahead with one blow, you probably can't handle another round, let alone risking getting an ER visit for a panic attack" He said.

"But-"

"I'll handle it myself, it was enough as it was letting me touch you" He said, "Don't feel guilty, it felt good to see you feel good" He kissed my cheek, getting off the bed.

"You're leaving?"

"I'm gonna rub one out and then come cuddle with you, its kinda painful sleeping like this" He said.

"Alright" I said, covering myself with my blanket.

"Hey..." He stopped by the door.

"Hmm?"

"I love you, a lot Keith"

"I love you too" I smiled softly.

He giggled embarrassingly, and shook his head. "God you're cute" He winked.

"You're cute" I shot back.

"I'll be back"

"Bye" I said, as he left the room.

_I felt, okay, and so, content._   
  
  
  
  


* * *

>  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I've been really busy, but heres an extra long story for you, its been crazy and I'm graduating in two weeks. But I want you to know I'm not giving up until this story's finished! Hope you can understand, I tried my best to portray what it feels like to be in a relationship with traumatic past memories. I have similar one's to this story arc, and honestly it's really hard to write out things. So that adds to the procrastination of getting it done. I hope you guys enjoyed it, and I'll update hopefully in the next month if it's not too crazy!


	22. Dreams

I woke up,

Well, more or less felt, okay, I wasn't going crazy, or having panic attacks, I was just, okay.

Okay being intimate with Lance, okay with him touching me out of love, okay with his affection, in the end.

He held me tight, and honestly it felt calming when his warm, dark, soft skin was against mine. His chest rising and falling with my head on it. I felt bad, bad that I didn't do at least something last night to him.

But on the other hand, he was right about me overstepping. I just, I want to know if I will, if psyching myself out to it being okay will be enough.

I want to be with him, no matter what it takes, just not today.

"Baby" He mumbled, kissing my head.

"Hello" I peeped, snuggled in the covers as he sat up.

"Hi" He smiled and ran his fingers through my hair. "Good morning" His raspy voice cracking through his lips.

"Good morning" I lifted up, kissing him.

"Mnn" He breathed out after breaking our lips. "How are you feeling?" He asked.

"Okay" I answered. "I'm just, not excited, more, relieved..." I pondered aloud.

"Good" He kissed my cheek, getting over me to his clothes.

I covered up quickly, forgetting immediately that I was naked.

"You know, I've already seen everything now" He joked back to me.

"So?" I flushed bright.

"You're so cute" He smirked, coming back over to me. He got on top of me and kissed me gently.

"I'm not" I mumbled, tracing over his clothed shirt.

"You are" He kissed my neck, I giggled loudly.

"Stop! Alright!" I laughed, snorting.

"Told you" He smirked widely, bundling me in his arms with the blanket. "I love you" He kissed my cheek.

"I love you too"

"Do you?" He asked.

"Of course, I love you a lot" I looked in his eyes.

"You sure?"

"Yes" I deadpanned.

"Just making sure" He blinked softly, I stared into his eyes, lovingly smiling. I kissed him gently, running my fingers through his dark hair, he pushed me gently on the bed, his hands roaming my body, his breath heavy in between kisses, hickeys on my neck.

I loved every minute, his thrusts, and panting, letting myself go-

-

_My head fucking hurt_

I got up, bolting to the bathroom, I threw up practically my whole liver.

"Fuck" I breathed out, looking in the toilet, I sighed at the food and liquor mixed together. I was stupid last night, really stupid.

I looked around, I was naked, but so damn nauseous that I didn't even notice, I also had trouble standing, everything hurt so bad, I felt drowsy as I tried to walk back to the bed, Lance was in the bed.

I tried my hardest to remember last night, what happened? What did we do? We went to a party, I don't handle alcohol well, definitely not, but I was naked, and that dream was fucking, ugh-

My head is swirling again, maybe I should lay back down, after all whatever happened, Lance wouldn't have hurt me, he can't...

I nuzzled into his back, holding around him, my head swirled into sleep. I really didn't dream, I just slept black.

When I finally woke up, he was gone, I tried to pick up the puzzle pieces but it was so confusing.

"Lance?" I mumbled, picking up my clothes, it was his room, he should be in it.

I walked out into the upstairs hall, he wasn't in any other rooms, so I headed downstairs.

"Where's Lance?" I asked Carmen.

"He bolted out this morning, said he had errands to do" She shook her head. "Didn't even stay for breakfast" She pouted.

"Did you call his phone?" I pondered.

"He left it here" She mentioned over to the table.

I sat down, defeated. I was trying to puzzle everything together, the minimal memories I had from last night, and anything else.

"Did something happen last night?" She sat down.

"I think, I just... Semi-remember of things from last night, but I don't have all the puzzle pieces" I started crying, because I was frustrated.

"Hey, I'm pretty sure when Lance comes back, he'll definitely let you know"

"I hope so"

-

"You both came to the party" My friend hugged around me, I giggled a bit.

"Yeah, couldn't miss it, can't believe you're graduating, feels like yesterday you were a sophomore" I joked.

"Yeah, well, you're gonna be a senior next year, time flies" He sighed.

"Yep"

"By the way, your boyfriend is gorgeous" He whispered.

"He's mine" I pouted.

"I know, but if he wasn't, best believe I'd snatch him up" He giggled.

"I don't know what I'd do if I lost him" I looked back at Keith.

"Hi" He smirked.

"Hi" I smiled back.

"Lovebirds" My friend let me go, sighing out.

I stopped and waited for Keith, grabbing his hand, we walked together, a few stares, but we were happy, that's what mattered.

I went to the table to grab drinks. "Don't-" Keith interrupted.

"Why?"

"I don't handle Alchol well" He replied.

"Don't worry, I'll take you home and stay sober" I said genuinely.

"I'll get hammered"

"So?" I turned around. "Keith, it's a party, and you don't go to many of those, have some fun" I handed him a beer.

"Lance you-"

"It's fine, I'll stop you from doing stupid stuff" I giggled.

"Alright" He agreed, taking a sip of beer.

"Let's go to the backyard" I pulled Keith with me, there was a pool out there and a couple of drunks swimming in it.

"I'm gonna go get another drink" Keith went back.

"I just gave you one-"

"I chugged it!" He yelled back at me, going farther away to get another beer.

"Jesus-"

"He looks like fun" Someone said next to me.

"I hope not-" I turned to see Natalia.

"Have you guys done it?" She pondered to me.

"No, though it's not any of your business is it?" I glared.

"Not really, no, but I'm kinda over my boyfriend"

"I'm not taking you back" I cut her off.

"Wow, rude"

"Rude of you to use me as a rebound and try to get me to cheat on my boyfriend" I snapped.

"Baby?" Keith came between us, pouting softly, he was already buzzed and I could tell.

"Hey" I said softly, hugging around him.

"Welp, I'm gonna head back to Bryan, bye" Natalia waved off.

"Bye" I scoffed.

"You're mad" He giggled, nuzzling in my neck.

"How many drinks have you had on the way here?"

"Three" He mumbled.

"Christ-"

"I told you I can't handle my alcohol" He kissed me, it tasted like beer.

"You reek" I pinched my nose.

"Don't be mean" He baby voiced.

I watched him drink down the alcohol, a whole 'nother cup down.

"Can you tube?" I asked.

"Yeah" He laughed. "Is that a challenge?" He smirked.

"Not really, I don't want you hammered"

"But you said let's have some fun" He threw his hands up sarcastically.

"Not like-"

"Hey, anyone got a funnel and a pipe?" He yelled.

"Keith, please, you're gonna hurt in the morning-"

"Sounds like a problem for future Keith" He giggled.

"Keith, seriously-"

They brought out some bendy pipe and a funnel, I shook my head in disappointment. I knew Keith went to stoner parties in freshman year and got drunk to shit, but I never realized it was like this.

"Chugg! Chugg! Chugg!" People yelled out.

"Holy shit dude, I'm not gay but I'd let him cut me in half" Someone said next to me.

"He's my boyfriend" I intervened.

"He's super cool" They elbowed me.

I watched Keith, I was really nervous, but he finished every last drop. He had to be drunk now, even hammered. He got up from the chair and wobbled.

"Keith-" I ran over and helped.

"I love you so much" He smiled.

"I love you too" I said, he was drunk, super drunk.

"You're so beautiful, and soft" He ran his fingers up my shirt.

"Keith, listen to me, by all means I will not sleep with you" I made it clear.

"I don't care, he didn't care" He teared up.

"Don't say stuff like that!"

"So? it's true, I let him fuck me, bent over for him, let his friends do the same-"

"Stop-" I warned.

"But with you-" He giggled. "I forget about everything, I forget about how he treated me, how I was raped, I forget it all" He paused.

"You're drunk"

"So? It helps panic attacks, I don't think, I just, do what I want!" He tripped a little.

"Listen-"

"No! You lisssteen!" He cut me off. "I love you, and I want you inside me" He poked my chest aggressively.

"Keith, this isn't consent" I tried to explain.

"I'm giving consent!" He hit my chest.

"No, you're drunk"

"Yeah, and I won't have any attacks while you're making love to me" He breathed.

"I don't want this to be this way"

"I want it!" He yelled, upset.

"I love you" I said, sighing softly. "But I can't.

"Then take me home" He started crying.

"Okay" I tried to grab his hand.

"Don't touch meee!" He cried harder.

"Okay" I mumbled, we headed through the party.

"Leaving so soon?" My friend asked.

"Keith got too drunk, taking him home"

"Alright, understand, see you at school on friday!"

"See you" I got out the house, the sound of music base blaring from it, Keith got in the passenger seat, angry.

"I'm sorry" I said to him, after I got in the driver's seat.

"You don't understand" He cried hard. "This is the only time I feel calm enough to be with you" He hiccuped.

"You'll forget"

"Keep it that way" He said. "Please" He begged. "Please, Lance"

"I'll loose your trust"

"You could never do that" He cupped my face. "I think you're a sweetheart" He kissed my cheek."You know, I masturbate to you" He said.

"Keith-"

"I think of how gentle you would be, how loving, gosh, it's such a turn on" He said. "Do you fantasize about me?"

I didn't want to admit it. "Yeah, most of the time"

"I bet that time you touched me is the part that gets you" He giggled, and bit his lip.

"It does" I admitted.

"Me moaning your name, squirming around to find a sense in myself" He breathed out.

"Stop"

"You're hard" He touched my crotch.

"No" I pulled away his hand, but he put it right back touching me, I didn't want to say no, my heart was beaming yes, but my head said this was a wrong decision.

"You're big" He kissed my neck.

"Stop" I moaned.

"Why are you saying stop when you know you want this" He whispered in my ear.

"Because I care about you, I love you, but this is wrong!" I cried, pushing him off.

"I don't care!" He yelled, "I just want you, I can't stop, It's all I think about now, even when I'm sober" He said.

"Keith-"

"You're so fucking stupid, I hate it" He cried, "Just take us home" He looked out the window.

I started the car and drove to the house, getting out of the car, Keith stayed in.

"Please" I opened his door.

"Fuck you"

"I love you" I said.

"Stop that"

"What?"

"Making me feel like a rapist"

I didn't mean to roll my eyes but I did, "Keith, don't-" I got angry. "You are not a fucking rapist" I snapped, "You're just being such a- " I stopped.

"Bitch" He finished the sentence. "I get it" He pushed me away and tripped on his foot, I caught him.

"Look at me" I picked him up. "I know you want this, but I'm not going to until you're sober" I said, "If you give me consent, and not under the influence, I will, I love you so much... And I would gladly make love to you" I paused. "But I can't-"

He scoffed. "So you'll fuck me when I'm crazy but not calm" He walked away.

"You're acting crazy!" I yelled back.

"Because I want your dick!" He yelled.

"Neighbors!" I mentioned around.

"So? I want what I want!" He went in the house, I sighed and followed in.

He went upstairs, and slammed the door, luckily my parents were at a friends house. "Keith-"

I knocked on my door, opening it, he was huddled all in my blankets, crying.

"Oh, Keith" I sighed, sitting on the bed.

"I want you" He cried, "So bad, I want to forget" He got up.

"Keith" I cupped his face.

"You're so gorgeous" He mumbled, kissing me softly.

I kissed back and pulled him closer, he sat in my lap, wrapping his legs and arms around me.

"I love you" I kissed his cheek, he rubbed against my boner.

"You feel good"

"I don't-"

"Please, Please, Please Lance" He begged so hard.

"If I do this, you can't hate me"

"I could never hate you" He rubbed harder, I choked on my breath.

"Fuck-"

"I wanna see you" He pulled down my pants, I breathed out, the tightness of my pants were free.

He bent down softly. "You are big-" He wide-eyed.

"Sorry-"

He rubbed my dick through my boxers. "Is it okay if I put it in my mouth?" He asked.

"Yes" I answered, He pulled down my boxers, I was fully naked in front of him, I kicked off my shoes.

"You're gonna break me" He timidly said.

"I hope not"

"I hope so" He lustfully said.

"Keith-"

"I'm semi-sober right now..."

"Okay?"

"And I still want you" He went up and kissed me, jerking me off gently.

I moaned through our kiss, cupping his face gently, he let go and have me a hickey, kissing the tip of my dick, I've dreamed about this, vivid dreams.

He sucked hard on my dick, my eyes rolled into the back of my skull, my hands reaching to his hair, my hips rhythmed with his bobbing.

He coughed, coughed hard, I accidentally came. "Sorry-"

"It's fine, now I can prep myself" He murmured, getting out my lube, undressing, he was really concentrating.

"Breathe" I told him, holding him close as he fingered himself.

"Can you do it?" He asked.

"Do you want me to?"

"You're so sweet..." He paused, wiping lube on my fingers. "But yes"

I entered both, trying to be as gentle as I can, not to hurt him.

"Harder, It's alright" He moaned.

"Mkay" I did so, his head was buried in my shoulder, moans softening through his lips.

"Fuck!" He cried, breathing rapidly.

"Feel good?"

"Yes" He said.

I stopped and pulled my fingers out, he gulped softly.

"I heard it was the easiest to to it from the back" I said.

Keith nodded, getting on his hands and knees, if I did this, I'd loose my virginity to Keith. Was it a good decision? If I truly went through, what if he leaves me? What if this whole time he's been pretending?

"I love you" He said, my doubts were gone, "Lance" He finished.

I pushed in gently, trying to be as careful as I could, Keith looked okay, so I kept going, bottoming out to my pelvic bone, he felt so good, so soft.

"Keith, I love you too" I said, no response.

I freaked out, pulling out slowly, I pulled Keith into my arms, he was numb, emotionally numb.

"Keith, please" I begged, I knew this was a bad idea, his eyes weren't even blinking, he was in such shock.

"Keith, Mi Amor, I'm sorry, I knew I shouldn't-"

"Stop" He teared out, "Please don't hurt me" He begged.

"I'd never hurt you" I cried in his chest.

He looked back and fourth, sighing out as he cried.

"I love you, please" I kissed him, he timidly wrapped his arms around me, holding me as he gently cried.

"Please stop, make it stop" He whined as tears ran down my chest.

"Shh" I rubbed his back, putting a blanket around us.

"Stop-" He cried harder, "I don't want it, make him stop!" He screamed loudly, "I don't want to!!" He screamed higher.

"Keith" I tried shaking him, "He's not here, he's not"

"Stop!" He hiccuped, Veronica bursted through the door.

"What is going on?" She asked.

"I didn't mean for this to happen" I cried, "I-"

"What did you do?" She snapped.

"We were fine, Keith was fine, he consented... I tried-"

"You tried what?"

"To have sex, I-....He freaked out, I went as gentle as I could, I care about him, I'd never hurt him, you know this-"

"Lance" He nuzzled my neck.

Veronica sighed out, "Lance, you need to be extra careful" She said.

"I was!" I snapped. "I went as slow as I could. "He said he was ready, he was gonna be fine"

"You can't rely in that, look at him, you're the only one he loves, he cares about... He trusts you" She shook her head. "You have to get him out of that mindset, you know no one else can" She shut the door behind her.

I felt guilty, Keith was scrambling against memories, hurtful memories.

"Keith, listen to me, I love you, I'd never hurt you" I brushed through his hair.

"Lance" He whined.

"You're not there, we're here, and you're freaking me out... I need you to calm down" I whispered, "I love you"

He scrunched his eyes and listened to my heartbeat, slowly, after pleading him to come back, he was conscious.

"I ruined it" He claimed. "My memories ruined it!" He yelled.

"It's fine, I'm glad you're safe"

"I want you!" He cried, "But I can't-" He teared out.

"Shhhh, It's okay"

"It's not okay, I'm supposed to have sex, I'm supposed to have a normal relationship!" He groaned as he wept. "I want that!" He cried so hard his lips puffed out.

"I want you too" I said, kissing him.

"I'm sorry" He said sadly.

"We don't need sex to be happy, we can do what you're comfortable with"

Keith gulped up tears. "Are you gonna be happy like 'this' in 10 years?" He asked.

"Yes" I answered.

"I'm not happy with myself like this in 10 years" He looked away.

Keith really wanted this, wanted to feel normal in a relationship, sexually. He wanted it so bad, he wasn't even drunk anymore, the alcohol was far out of his system. I tried to think of a way, my head swirled with thoughts.

"What if I was on the bottom?" I offered.

"Huh?" Keith asked.

"What if you had sex with me?" I asked.

Keith thought about it, "That, could work" He laughed. "Why are you a dumbass until we need a solution?"

"I don't know"

"But, what about you being top?"

I straight up laughed, "I don't care about that, I love you, that's all that matters!" I smiled softly. "You're mine, I'm yours, that's the deal"

He smiled, "I love you so much you have no idea" He kissed me, I ran my fingers through his hair.

"Don't think of yourself as a 'woman' in our relationship, you're just as much of a man as me" I cupped his face.

He giggled, kissing me more, my cheeks heating up softly, we were still naked, holding eachother.

"I still want you, I still give my consent" He said. "I know I want this, with you"

"I do too" I kissed him harder, wrapping my arms around him.

He kissed my neck, the lube we had, dried up on ourselves long ago. "Do you want me to prep you?"

"You can" I shrugged.

"Okay" He grabbed the bottle, spreading it across his fingers.

He entered two, it felt okay, well, I had dildos and stuff so, two fingers-

"Ah!" I moaned out.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes" I bit my lip, he hooked his fingers again. "Fuck!" I moaned again.

"Does it feel good?"

I nodded my head shakily, "Mnn"

"Oh" He smiled, hooking over and over again, he was testing me.

"Please" I whined, I was gonna cum hard if he didn't stop.

"You're so pretty" He jerked me off.

"Fuck-" I breathed out, cumming.

"That was fast-"

"It felt really good" I looked in his eyes.

He ran lube over his dick, "Are you ready?"

"Yeah" I smiled.

-

I came back in with some snacks, looking over at Keith, he got up and hugged me.

"Thank goodness"

"What?"

"I thought you ran off..."

"Why would I do that?"

"Last night... What, happened? I remember some of it, but my head hurts so bad"

"I'll explain later, lets get you some pills" I said.

When I woke up this morning, all I could smell was _lavender_ , sweet lavender... And I wondered what had connected us, what made us this way...

-

Our relationship since then has gotten so much better, sexually, romantically, and platonically. Sometimes I feel my heart is going to burst, every moment feels like it counts.

"Babe" I murmered, "Do you have the math assignment done?"

"You know you can't always just use me right?"

"Boyfriend rights" I argued.

"Hmm, suck my dick and I'll think about it" He snobbily laughed.

"I was gonna do that anyways"

"It was a joke" He handed me the assignment.

"Well, I wasn't joking" I teased.

"Gosh" He blushed red to his ears.

"You know you love me"

"I do" He regretfully sighed.

"Don't sound disappointed, you're the love of my life" I whined.

"Yeah, Yeah" He huffed.

"Now you owe me kissies" I demanded.

"Nope"

"Yes!" I whined.

"Alright" He wheeled over in his chair and gave me a kiss.

The doorbell ringed.

"I'll get it" Veronica called out.

I peppered kisses on Keith, "Wub you" I pet through his hair.

"Keith! Someone's at the door for you!" Veronica called out.

Me and Keith got up and went out downstairs.

"Thank you so much" A deep voice said.

Me and Keith got into the kitchen, the guy was soaking wet from the rain, and was covered in a coat.

"Keith?" He asked, taking off his jacket. "Is that you?"

" _Takashi_?"

-


	23. Star

I ran to him, and hugged him, I didn't care that he was soaking wet, I didn't fucking care. All I could do is cry, and hold him, I knew he was out there, I just didn't think it was possible.

I was told stories as a kid by my worker that he was taken away to New York, and then moved to Florida. That she never saw him again, that she lost touch with his foster family. I cried for days without him, I missed him day after day. He was finally here, he even hugged the same, just as he did when we were little.

"I missed you so much" He cried.

"Me too" I looked into those slate eyes, "You look so much like dad" I cried harder.

"I g-get that a lot" He laughed subtly.

"You make me miss him" I laughed and dug my face in his shoulder.

"Oh Keith" He breathed, holding me.

"I can't believe this" I muffled in his wet clothes.

"I can't either" His coarse broken voice said. "You look like mom" He broke the hug.

"I do?" I looked around.

"Yeah, so much"

"Ahem" Carmen coughed.

"Mrs. McClain" Shiro slightly bowed.

"Welcome back" She smiled.

Lance pouted. "I wanna hug".

"Wait, you're Lance?" He asked.

"Yeah" He whined. "You forgot about me, we practically grew up together"

"You look, just, so different" He pulled him into a hug.

I smiled watching them hug, it all felt like such a dream. It was amazing that he was okay, and I knew my brother was okay, so it was going to be okay.

"Would you like to stay for dinner?" Carmen asked.

"Of course" He smiled, letting go of Lance, tears in his eyes.

-

"This is your room?" He asked, putting his stuff down.

"Yeah" I said, I looked over at the flag on my wall, I mentally shitted myself, what if Shiro was homophobic now, what if-

"You're gay" He said to the flag, but also me.

"Yeah, came out a long time ago" I sighed gently.

"Me too" He sat down on my bed. "Glad we have something in common" He smiled.

I sat right next to him. "Where have you been?" I agonized, "Where were you?" I frowned.

"In Portland" He answered, "I thought you knew?" He looked in my eyes confused.

"No, they told me you were in New York" I stared at him.

He laughed gently. "I've never been to New York"

"They also told me you moved to Florida before that, that there was no hope of finding you" I angered.

"Probably because my Adopted family wanted nothing to do with you" He said, sighing with his head in his lap.

"What?"

"They took away my contact with you, didn't let me have photos, didn't allow visits, they said you were dangerous, and that you'd hurt me" He scoffed.

"I'd never hurt you"

"They said there were incidents of you sexually abusing other kids, they didn't need me exposed to that, that you were on the streets too" He bit his lip. "I didn't want to believe it until they showed me court cases"

I sat there, thinking, I was penting up anger, I needed to hit something. I grabbed my plastic chair, it was inexpensive, I could replace it. I hit it so hard, Shiro flinched 5 feet back.

"They didn't bother to tell you that it was only 1 incident! That the incident was Lance! Or tell you how CPS kept a Pedophile on their file to have 20 plus kids also abused, the worst case being me!" I screamed.

"I didn't know-"

"Or how they left me with people who almost starved me to death!" I cried hard, my breathing erratic.

"Keith, calm down" He hugged me, "I didn't know if it was true or not"

I cried harder. "I missed you everyday, I wanted to see you, you were the only family I had left" I wept. "And they took you away when I needed you most!"

"I'm sorry" He cried.

I stayed there, sniffling, I'm surpised that no one busted through the door, or even asked.

-

Saying goodbye to him was the worst, but he promised me he'd come back in 2 weeks, he had college in Portland, and Memorial day was coming up.

He also said he had tons of pictures from mom and dad, baby pictures of me to show, and wedding photos of my parents. Though Carmen did raise me, which I'm thankful for, I never called her mom much, and my old parents loved me and Shiro. They got us out the house before even themselves, died trying to get our dog.

When he did come back, I finally got to see my Mom's face after years of not seeing it. She had beatiful long hair and bangs, during the 2100s dying your hair was a big thing to do. She had purple stripes in it for her wedding, Dad looked so much like Shiro.

"She looks exactly how I remember her" Lance said.

"Stern?" I joked, playing around.

"Serious but beautiful, your mom was a hotty" He joked.

"I wish her ghost would hit you over the head" I frowned.

"I wish so too"

"You're drooling" I elbowed him.

"She's taken anyways, and I have the best of her as my boyfriend" He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek.

"I miss her" I teared up.

"She's definitely watching you" He reassured me.

"Do you think she'd be proud of me?" I asked.

"Yeah, look in the mirror Keith, you're such an inspiration" He nuzzled me.

"Was that sarcasm?"

"No" He laughed. "Really, you're amazing" He hugged me tighter.

"I remember how much her and dad loved eachother, I could never imagine them apart, he always made her smile, and she always made him a mature dad" I laughed at the photos on my phone.

"Sounds a lot like us" He joked.

"Oh hush it" I kissed him, putting my phone down.

"Nah, I wanna talk" He mumbled between kisses.

"Shh" I pouted.

"Make me shut up" He teased.

I grabbed his crotch hard. "Huh?"

"Alright, alright, alright!" He squealed like a little girl.

"That's what I thought"

"You're such a bully, that really hurt" He held his crotch.

"You told me to-"

-

I stood on a stage elevator, there were thousands of people on the other side of the lift, I was scared, my first show in Florida.

"You'll be alright baby" Lance kissed me deeply. "Just pretend you're singing for me" He smiled, caressing my face.

"I can't"

"You can, I believe in you" He kissed my hand as the thing went up.

"Lance"

"Good luck!"

I stared at the people in front of me, my heart pounding louder than a drum, I was scared, but I closed my eyes and listened to the beat of the tune.

"미안해~" I sang softly, thousands of lightsticks swayed in the distance.

"My love" I sang again, everything was coming out so fluidly. I was so surprised by my voice, especially being in the middle of a panic attack.

As much as I wanted this show to end I wanted it to never stop. Singing has been my passion for my whole life, I just never realized my purpose because I was so distracted by what happened to me.

"The show went well" My makeup manager took off my glitter, and undid my hair.

"It did"

"Your agent is going to be very happy"

"I hope so" I smiled, looking around.

"He's already at his show" She replied.

I sighed out sadly. "I never got to say goodbye" I frowned.

"Just send him a video" She got my phone.

I turned on the holographic menu, touching the call log, and opening my camera.

"All done" She let my hair down and dolloped face moisturizer on my face for me to rub in.

"Thank you" I replied.

"Welcome" She left the room.

"Hey baby, you didn't say goodbye, but good luck, I love you" I recorded, it was always more distant now, and with media, we weren't exactly allowed to come out as a couple yet.

I got my stuff, getting my duffel bag, and my glasses. I threw the shades on and walked out the studio, two body guards by my side.

"Oh my god! Koga!" A few girls ran up to me, my body guards automatically stepping in front of me.

"They have passes" I mentioned, motioning them over.

"We love you so much!" They held out a bunch of Merch to me, I grabbed out my pen, and signed it all.

"I'm glad you guys came" I smiled, pulling off my glasses.

"Is that face moisturizer?" They laughed, I totally forgot about it on my face.

"Yeah" I giggled, smoothing it out.

"Are you not wearing any makeup?"

"No" I answered.

"You're just that handsome aren't you?!" One of them squealed.

"I guess" I blushed out of flattery.

"Awwe" They poked my cheek, one of my body guards flinched towards me.

"It's okay" I whispered.

"Its so soft" They jumped up and down.

"I use Aeromil, the Korean stuff" I said.

"Write that down" One of them shouted.

"I'd love to stay, but I have to get to an event" I said sadly.

"We understand" Each one of them bowed.

"Thank you, goodbye" I murmured.

"Goodbye!" They called out.

I put on a fashion mask on top of my glasses, getting into a limo, we were riding to Lance's show. I sighed out.

"Are you sure you don't want us to be with you? Just in case something happens?" One of my bodyguards asked.

"If you show up in suits like those, it'll give it away" I mentioned.

"We could change"

"I don't want you to" I repeated.

"Alright"

I was dropped off a block from the show, so no one suspected anything, from a fancy limo dropping off someone off in front of the line.

I walked to the line, I had front seat tickets, they were expensive, honestly, I could've gotten it free if I had let Lance know. But, this was a little surprise, I've been to most of his shows, but never on my own.

I got through the line without being reconized, it was a good thing. I pulled out my glass phone, it was a text from Lance.

'Love you too, I'm on in 45, miss you already :3'

I giggled, looking around at the people next to me. There were very attractive women everywhere, how did he even think I was good enough? I needed to get rid of that ideal, I was his.

A bunch of fireworks went off, the song blaring out, I knew this one when he wrote it.

"Buenos Dias, Florida!" He said through his mic, my heart was beating so fast. "Let's get this on!" He yelled, he had such control over the crowd, unlike me.

And when he started singing, my heart fell, it always fell when he sang, but this was the most exaggerated version of himself. He kissed towards the crowd, so damn sassy, I loved it.

I took off my glasses, and my mask, no one was even paying attention around them, all eyes were on him, a bunch of the girls raced to the edge and reached out their hands, I even got pushed to get to him.

I laughed, "Jesus" I looked up, he ran across the stage and highfived everyone.

He even kissed a girl's hand and winked, she literally almost fainted.

I felt a little jealous, but it wasn't real, if he knew I was in the crowd, he'd probably stare at me the whole time.

He was known as Laano to the world, but under all that fake pink hairspray was just a giggly boy. And also a wonderful man, a whole ass man.

I laughed at myself at that comment in my head. I ran past the girls this time to get my hand touched, I don't know why I got super excited when he touched my hand. He didn't even notice it was me, but I knew it was him, a few girls looked at me, as I sang, automatically reconizing me.

"It's Koga?" Some of them said. "What is he doing here?"

I ran into the crowd, and put back on my mask and glasses, and came back to the front, sighing out, everyone was back to singing and dancing. They didn't even mind enough to find me again, so I kept singing along with the lyrics.

Lance invited a girl on stage with him, she had an amazing voice. It was actually nice to hear someone else, and Lance was just nice like that, some called him fake nice, but I never saw it.

Maybe I was biased, or maybe I saw the real him, knew what it was really like, what he was like angry. All his emotions that no one else knew, even the caring ones.

Once the show ended, everyone rushed towards the corner where Lance could be seen walking to the studio, when I got over there, he was still walking away from the crowd.

"Lance!" I screamed, not many people called him by his actual name. He didn't hear me.

"Lance Rosa McClain!" I yelled, no one really knew his middle name, and he turned, I pushed through the crowd and crawled over the gate.

One of the security guards tried to take me away, because I was trespassing.

"Get off!" I tried to push them away, they pulled off my glasses and my mask, and immediately let me go.

"Keith!" Lance ran to me and hugged me, a few girls screamed super loud behind us. "Why didn't you just go through the back silly!" He pouted.

"I wanted to surprise you" I giggled.

"You were in the crowd up front!" He shook his head like he was stupid. "I didn't even reconize you" He saddened.

"No one did, and frankly, I didn't want to, I wanted to know what it was like to be one of your fans" I winked.

"You are a fan" He laughed. "My biggest one" He stared into my eyes.

"You know what I mean" I sighed.

"Did you get pushed?" He asked as we walked to his studio.

"Yeah" I laughed. "Those girls out there are crazy"

"They are, but not as crazy as yours" He opened the door and let me in, immediately he got seated and the makeup wipes circled around him.

I wasn't as popular as Lance, but I was growing to the top as much as him, but, sometimes I got scared if I did surpass him, it would ruin our relationship with jealousy. But I reminded myself that Lance was the one who pushed me to my dream, he got me here, and I motivated him to be where he is.

"Thank you" He said politely to the makeup workers as they left, his curly black hair was wet and fluffed with conditioner, but in all reality, we were alone together.

"I swear, they go crazy with the makeup sometimes" He turned to me.

"Yeah" I looked down.

"What's wrong?"

"What's gonna happen when I hit number 1?" I asked.

"We're gonna have a party" He laughed awkwardly.

"What's going to happen if I-" I paused.

"If you replace me?"

I felt myself get scared, I didn't want to say it like that, I didn't want that to happen.

"Keith, you can't replace someone who has a completely different music genre than you" He laughed. "I don't have to ever worry about that, you attract Asian cultures, and Asian Americans" He said.

"So?"

"So, we hiatus on totally different parts of the world, you're not stealing my fans, because, they don't understand your music, and I can't steal yours" He explained. "The music industry is complex, especially with fans, I'm not going to be jealous of you Keith, that's the last thing I want" He said genuinely.

"I don't want it either" I mumbled.

"Just because I'm famous, doesn't make you any less important to me" He caressed my cheek, "I love you".

"I love you too" I kissed him, sitting on top of his lap.

"We've been on all these tours, well, I've been on these tours, and you've been at interviews... We haven't gotten time to be alone" He pushed my long braided hair behind me.

"I missed you" I whispered, kissing him again.

"Baby" He breathed, "Not here, the hotel, my boss is still here" He hugged me, I nuzzled his neck, he was sticky with sweat, and there was pink on his neck.

"You smell musky" I whined.

"So do you, meany" He frowned.

"I love you" I giggled.

"I love you" He poked my nose, I grabbed his hand and kissed his palm.

"What are you two doing?" Our agent yelled at us.

"Fucking" Lance nonchalantly said.

"Haha, very funny" She rolled her eyes.

I got off of Lance and sat on a couch.

"Good job Lance, as usual" She motioned, he chuckled deeply.

"As usual" He mocked.

"As for you, Keith, very good first show, arguably better than Lance's" She said.

"Hey!" He pouted.

"Your first show, not this one" She corrected.

"Oh"

"But you have to be more involved with your fans, not just the backstage ones" She lifted a brow.

"Alright" I timidly said.

"Can we come out as dating yet?" Lance asked.

"Keith has to create more fan following before he can be seen by the public as worthy enough for Laano" She explained.

"It shouldn't matter, all that should matter is that I love him"

"You think the public buys love?"

"Yeah" Lance picked up his Album.

"Anyways, I'll keep the tabs on both of you for the next show in California" She left the room.

"I hate her, I don't give a shit what people think, I care about you" He looked at me. "This whole Album is about you" He sighed.

"I know" I grabbed his hand.

"Let's get out of here"

-

 

 


	24. Amor

When we got back to the hotel, we looked around to see if there were any visitors, which, there were none.

"Do you wanna take a shower with me?" Lance asked, pink down his neck.

"The water's gonna be hot" I said to him.

"I'm prepared to burn" He sighed.

"Alright then" I got up and headed to the shower, we were sharing a penthouse together, but the media didn't know that, and neither did they need to know in the first place.

I pulled off all my clothes and shivered slightly at the cold tile on the ground.

I stared at Lance getting undressed, unlike our teenage years, he's a lot more...

Bulky, masculine, less lanky, not that I wasn't in love with his old body, it's just that now we're older we're changing.

I'm a lot taller than I used to be, more muscly, I'm almost as tall as Lance, but short an inch.

"Are you staring?"

"Yes" I went up to him. "I can't admire my boyfriend?"

"They're making me do this weight training shit for my next music video, so I look less 'skinny'.... It's really stupid, but I'm starting to look ripped" He joked, flexing his muscles.

"You look great" I kissed his cheek.

"I do?"

"Yeah" I hugged him. "I was jealous of how those girls were looking at you in the crowd, that's how good you look" I whined.

"Well, the only person that matters to me is you" He smooched my lips.

I touched over his chest, kissing him deeper, he picked me up, going into the bedroom, he picked up our lube and handed me it to hold in his arms, we went back in the bathroom.

"Did you want-"

"Yeah, all day" I responded, kissing him roughly.

"Mmm" He hummed.

"Baby" I kissed down his neck, down to his hip as I trailed down his sides.

He pulled my bangs back, as I grabbed his dick, after a lot of therapy, and actually opening up about my repressed memories, I know what happened to me is bad.

I know I was tricked, I know I was abused, but I also know that my relationship is healthy. I know Lance loves me, he's never shown any flags of being abusive, not even once.

It was rough for me as a teenager to have a normal relationship, to have sex normally, I needed all these breaks and claims for me to even push through. Eventually healthy sex helped, our whole relationship isn't sex, but it connects us. I really love him, but sometimes having lust with him is okay. Somedays we just cuddle until we fall asleep, those days are the best.

He moaned slowly, kneeding through my hair as I took all of him down my throat. That same pool of warmth hit my crotch, this was pretty uncomfortable, but at the same time I was doing it, it made Lance feel good. Seeing him feel good boosted my confidence by a 100.

"Baby" He mumbled. "Fuck, you feel so good" He winced out.

I hummed softly in response, his head threw back against the wall, sighing out. I knew he was close, I kind of mentally prepare myself for what's going to come, literally.

"Keith... I'm gonna-"

I took most of it down, we haven't seen each other in months, so I had to pull off into a coughing fit.

"Shit, I didn't think I'd go so fast, are you okay?" He bent down.

"Y-Yeah" I managed to cough out.

"Sorry"

"No, it's f-fine" I purposely coughed out the rest to get it out of my system.

"You should've just took it out" He helped me up.

"I know how much you like it when I swallow though" I pouted.

He laughed out of embarrassment, "I can't believe you just said that" He shook his head.

"What? You prefer a mess?"

"Keith.... We're in the shower stall right now, do you think it would've mattered if you were covered in cum?"

"It's kinda sticky, and itchy" I complained.

"We could've washed it off"

"Still disgusting" I mumbled.

"Are we really fighting over this?" He sighed.

"I guess" I sighed back. "I'm sorry, I don't like the feeling of cum all over my face and chest" I rolled my eyes.

"Which could've been washed?" He sarcastically asked.

"Like our relationship"

Lance stared at me, "Wow, is this what this is about?"

I looked away, "I didn't mean that"

"But you said it"

"I know"

"Why would you say that?"

"I-I don't know"

"You don't know? Washed like what? Not seeing you for months? Not getting to talk to you? Not getting the attention? Not being in love enough?!" He snapped.

"Stop" I mumbled.

"No, I wanna know!" He yelled.

"I don't feel like we're working out" I said, I mentally slapped myself, I covered my mouth.

"What?"

"I feel like, we care a lot about our jobs to care about our relationship" I said.

He walked out of the shower stall, my heart fell 3 times, I bit my lip, why didn't I just shut the fuck up? "Please Lance" I ran after him, sobbing.

"Shut up!" He snapped, putting a hand in my face as he got on the phone.

"Don't do this! Don't give up your dream!" I got on my knees.

"Shut up! I'm not!" He yelled.

I sniffed softly and got up, holding around him. "I love you, don't leave me, please"

"I'm not"

I cried out and held him close, sighing out in relief. I peppered soft kisses on his back.

"Hey, I just called to tell you that I'm ripping our contract apart, you are fired from my services, and no longer will be controlling my sexuality and who I'm dating" He said into the phone.

I heard yelling on the other side.

"I don't care, I'm plastering your industry as homophobic in my next interview" He said, hanging up.

I looked at him, his eyes staring into mine, "I love you" I whispered.

"I should've never let our relationship be held back because of my job" He rested his head on my forehead.

"It's fine"

"It's not... We're tearing each other apart, and I love you so much" He softly caressed my jawline up.

"So..." I sniffed, he kissed me gently. "What happens-"

"We tell everyone, no more hiding" He interrupted me, holding me tight.

"Okay" I answered.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you" He kissed my neck several times.

"I'm sorry I made it out like we were breaking up" I whispered. "I don't want you to ever leave, I love you, so... much" I cried hard.

"I love you too" He held me close and kissed the top of my head, leaning down a little he kissed me deeply.

"Please" I whimpered, kissing his jawline, he ran his fingers through my long hair.

"I'm sorry baby" He teared up.

"Shh, it's over with, we've had fights before" I cupped his face.

"I know, I just hate seeing you cry because of me" A tear slid down his face.

"I hate seeing you angry" I wiped his tears.

"I know" He sighed, staring into my eyes.

"Come here" I pulled him into a passionate kiss.

"Mm" He hummed softly, his hands trailing down my body, kneeding at my butt.

"You're already up?" I laughed.

"You know I don't last darling" He scooped me up, I giggled gently and held around him.

"Did you-"

"I already prepped a while ago" I mentioned.

"Condom?"

I laughed a little. "We're taking a shower, so it's not necessary" I teased.

"Wow, now really?"

I snorted softly, "Yeah"

"You know my last argument would've been that I like to see you covered in cum" He rolled his eyes softly to the left.

"Shush" I turned raspberry red, pushing him.

"Don't tell me you don't like it when I'm covered-"

"Quiet, you're ruining the mood!" I flustered.

"I think you like it when I dirty talk" He laughed.

"No" I mumbled, lying.

"Oh yeah?" He paused. "You're telling me you don't like it when you cum inside me? Or you pull out and it dribbles down my legs?" He teased harder.

"S-stop" I chuckled in embarrassment.

"Or when you cum on my face?" He bit his lip.

"Just fuck me, and stop teasing me!" I whined.

"Admit it and I will"

"No" I groaned playfully.

"Yes"

"No"

"Yeah, don't lie"

"Fine, I do like it" I whispered.

"Say it louder"

"I like it!" I snapped.

"Like what?"

"My cum all over you" I said.

Lance laughed gently, "Knew it" He whispered in my ear, I didn't even realize he grabbed the lube.

"You're such a tease"

"I just like it a bit longer, nothing wrong with teasing" He put a few fingers in.

I gasped softly.

"Let's see if you can cum untouched" He hooked his fingers inside me.

"You already know that answer" I moaned.

"Yeah, but it's nice to see you cum only on my dick" He laughed.

"You're an asshole" I bit my lip.

"You're the asshole, literally" He stuck his tongue out at me.

"Shut up" I moaned lowly, kissing him deeply, I didn't care what he did, as long as I came in the end.

He pushed in like nothing, but the feeling of being full was amazing. When I first started bottoming, -honestly I hate that word, but it's the best way to explain it- It was hard for both of us, Lance really wanted me to be okay, and I would just have constant panic attacks.

There was one time that I was so far into the flight or fight response that I clawed a chunk of his cheek out. He still has the scar, and I still feel terrible about it. 

It took a lot for me to separate the feeling of 'it' and the feeling of Lance. My counselor at the time that I explained the problem, said a lot of victims focus on the energy and aura of the person making love to you. It clicked when I did that, not that I believe in god, or spiritual energy, but Lance's energy was different. Instead of the feeling of being an object of sex, with Lance I felt human.

Like he'd give the world to me, and he would. I remember being so happy that I finally got through a brick wall, and Lance showered me with praises, and compliments in the morning. He was proud, not that he necessarily cared about being this, top or bottom shit, but he knew it was something that I wanted for the longest.

"Lance!" I moaned, clawing at his back, the cold tile against my spine as he thrusted into me against the shower wall.

"Baby-" He gulped, kissing my neck as we bounced.

"Oh fuck, fuck..." I thank the gods that we were in a penthouse, or someone would've heard us.

"Scream for me" He whispered, adjusting his grip on my thighs.

"Lance, oh fuck!" I screamed, "You feel so good" I mumbled in between thrusts.

"You like that?" He went faster.

"Yes" I groaned out.

"You want my cum?" He laughed softly.

"Mm hm" All I could do was nod.

"Good" He bit at my throat, my whimpers barely escaping.

"I love you" I kissed him, my nails digging harder into his skin.

"I love you too" He moaned, picking back up the pace, he was brutal, unstopping, and that's how I know he was close.

"Lance, yes, right there-" I screamed so loud it cracked into silence, It felt so good to finally let go.

"Baby" He kept going, before burying deep inside me.

"Lance" I breathed out, giving him a loving kiss.

"That was amazing" He bit his lip, pulling out slowly, I winced a little at the overstimulation.

"You're better than me" I tried to stand up.

"Nah, I can only stand because I work out my legs a lot" He turned on the shower, holding me up.

The water felt nice against my skin, Lance grabbed the loofa and squirted the hotel soap on the ball. I felt empty, but a good empty, luckily I had no performances after this, or I would've killed Lance.

"Do you want me to help you clean up since you can barely stand" He laughed softly.

"Yeah"

-

I woke up with the normal feeling of my hips hurting, and two arms wrapped around me, holding me like a teddy bear.

I didn't want to get out of bed, especially considering Lance was so cute sleeping.

His skin was so soft, I nuzzled deeper in his arms, his natural scent protruding through the soap. He smelled like a summer field of lavanders.

My dad had a similar smell, but no lavender, just this earthy smell. And my mom smelled like rain and fall.

"Are you sniffing me?" He laughed.

"Yes, stay still, you're warm" I mumbled against his chest.

"Alright" He chuckled, resting his chin on my head.

"Mmm" I hummed happily.

"What do I smell like?"

"Summer" I answered, "What do I smell like?"

"Those blue flowers Mami buys" He said.

"Forget me nots?" I giggled.

"Yeah, those... I love those things" He nuzzled my head.

I stayed in place as response, pressing kisses into his neck.

"Are we doing anything today?"

"No" I pouted, looking up at him.

He kissed both my cheeks, "Thought so"

"Don't get up" I whined as he got out of bed.

"I'm getting us breakfast, so we can watch movies together" He said, leaving through the door.

"Okay" I dove under the blankets.

He came back with cereal, I grabbed the bowl and smiled gently, he picked up the blankets, getting in the bed with me. "Stay still" He looked at me, inspecting my face.

"What is it?"

He kissed my lips gently, "Nothing, I just wanted a kiss" He winked.

"Dork" I kissed his cheek, spooning cereal in my mouth.

He sighed gently, "I know you don't like talking about this, but, I..." He paused.

"It's fine"

"I've been thinking about marriage, like having a family with you" He ate his cereal.

"With our jobs-"

"I meant later, when things calm down" He giggled.

"Alright"

"Alright?"

"Yeah, I've always wanted to marry you, ever since we were kids" I said through bites.

"Good, that's good" He nodded.

"Why?"

"No reason" He mumbled.

But he was lying, in his suitcase was a little velvet box, our fight hurt a little bit more knowing soon he was going to ask me. I looked over at that bag, sighing gently to myself.

 _I didn't deserve him_  


* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if there's any spelling errors, I try to get these out as soon as I can!


	25. Memories

"Will you marry me?" He asked, on one knee in front of the entire world practically.

Lights flashed with photos of me, the sounds of gasps filled the gala stairway. "Lance?" I awkwardly looked around. "Is this a joke?" I giggled nervously, we weren't out, and this was the most extreme version to get to the media about our relationship.

He looked at me and smiled, laughing back. "No? It's real" He looked away at everyone.

"I thought you said we'd come out in an interview?" I whispered.

"Yeah, well I lied" He sheepishly looked away.

"I can tell" I sarcastically peeped.

"Are you gonna answer? Or am I gonna shake here awaiting a response all night?" He blinked blankly.

"Nah, I think I'll let you shake in those Louis Viton boots" I joked.

"Please Baby" He whined.

"Well, what answer do you think it is?"

"Yes?" He mumbled sadly.

"Then it's a yes" I looked in his eyes and smiled.

"Really?" He lit up.

"Yes, Lance" I bent down and kissed him.

He lifted up with me, jumping into my arms, his glitter cheeks getting all over my shoulders. I hugged him back, nuzzling into his shoulder.

"We should start heading into the party" He mumbled.

"Yeah" I giggled, looking over at the people held up by the engagement.

"I love you" He held my hand.

"I love you too" We started walking, flashes of the news stations got even worse until we got into the gala.

He breathed out nervously, both of our hands were sweatier than ever, but despite everything, we made it through.

"So, this is your first Met Gala..." He nervously looked down. "You made a good first entrance, and you're holding up well" He gulped.

"Calm down, my love" I kissed his cheek.

"I am calm" He whined.

"Sure" I laughed it off.

-

I stared at the ring on my finger, sighing gently, not like a sad sigh, but a happy content one. I stared up at the ceiling, closing my eyes, Lance shifted over and laid on my chest. I subconsciously laid my hand over his.

He's so soft, gentle, amazing, talented, lovely, beautiful, gorgeous, funny, and so much I can't even come up with. I drifted off to sleep.

I was so tired from Alcohol, food, and dancing, that I knocked out quickily.

"Keith, baby" Lance whined, cooking food. "Come eat"

I don't know what was about this situation that made me afraid, but I went over anyways. I sat down, eating the food, "Lance, this tastes funny"

"I added tumeric, I've been messing with Mom's chorizo, but I know now that that doesn't taste so good" He sighed.

"It's good baby" I rubbed his hand, comforting him.

"Don't lie" He smiled.

"Okay, it's pretty weird, but I'm gonna eat it all so you feel good" I giggled.

"Good" He grinned, staring into my eyes.

"Lance?"

"Yes?" He looked in my eyes, they weren't blue.

I got up, leaving in a panic. "You're not-"

"Cocaine should kick in about now" He giggled maliciously.

"No..." I looked around, my body felt heavy, and loopy.

"Take these" He shoved pills down my throat, I tried to spit them out.

"Stop!"

"I said fucking take them!" He screamed, slapping me.

"Please" I cried.

"Don't you know how much I love you" He pet through my hair, hugging me softly. "Baby boy"

I choked on sobs, looking away, my body was heating with arousal. "This is just a dream" I wept.

"Nope" He kissed me deeply, I was afraid, no I was terrified.

"Lance, please, you know how much I'm scared of pills, and drugs-" I begged.

"Just keep still" He ripped my clothes off.

"No" I sniffed.

"But you like it" He whispered in my ear, "Don't you?"

"Not this"

"You do, you like playing this game, the game where you're screaming while I take you" He licked his lips.

"Wake me up" I begged, "Wake me up!" I screamed.

"C'mon baby" He kissed my neck.

"No! I said no!" I clawed at his face, "Get off of me!" I ran to the kitchen, scared, I grabbed a knife.

"Keithhh-" He slurred, "You wouldn't hurt me, just, listen to me, we can have so much fun" He said, getting closer to me.

"Stop! I'll hurt you" My hands shook with the knife.

"No you won't" He whispered, grabbing the knife and setting it down.

"Please" I whispered.

"Turn around" He ordered.

"Lance, I don't want to, please, this isn't like you-" I gasped.

He pulled my body around, setting me against the wall roughly, I cried gently. "This is what you get for clawing at my face" He turned my face to see him as he kissed me roughly.

"Stop..." My voice softly said.

He forcefully pushed inside me, my mind blanked, this was a nightmare, just a dream, I needed to wake up was all.

"Stop!" I heard my own blood curdling screams.

I gasped awake, breathing rapidly, it was just another one of those dreams. I looked over at Lance, my mind is paranoid. I get dreams like this often, even though I know they're definitely not real, it still gets to my head.

"Baby?" Lance got up, his sleepy eyes looking into mine.

"Sorry I woke you" I mumbled, pulling the covers back over me.

"It's fine" He softly pet through my hair.

I started crying silently, how could I even dream of something so terrible? Especially of someone who cared about me so much. Yeah we get kinky, but nothing as horrible as that. I tried not to make too much noise as I cried, I didn't want him to know that it was another one of these dreams, he gets, annoyed, not really annoyed but just, really hurt.

"Baby.." He moved my hair out my face, I threw it in the pillow before he could see.

"I shouldn't have pressured you to accept this-" He paused. "Marriage proposal, that was a lot of-" He groaned. "A lot of eyes, I should've done it in private, I'm so sorry..." He sighed out, disappointment in his exhale.

I was so worked up I didn't even answer, I just started sobbing in the pillow.

"We don't have to get married, if you're happy with what we had before..." He choked up, "I just, I want us to be a family, I want to get a house, have kids, live life with you, if it takes a while, that's okay-"

"It's not about the marriage-" I looked at him. "I know I want to marry you, so stop worrying" I plunged my face back into the pillow.

"Oh-" He sighed in relief, but worry still tinged in his voice.

"I just had a dream" I mumbled.

"It's okay, hey-" He pulled me in his lap.

"I love you" I gulped, nuzzling into his stomach.

"I love you too" He pet through my head, kissing my forehead. "Do you wanna talk about it?" He asked.

"No" I sighed out. "You'll just be hurt"

"So a rape dream?" He looked away. "I'm- I'm not hurt... I just, I know I'm doing the most I can, and it seems that it's like a loss" He explained.

"I know" I looked away.

"Keith, you can't control it" He said, "You shouldn't be so worried about me, especially when you're hurting so bad"

I sighed out, looking at him, I lifted up, kissing him deeply. "I guess I care about you more than myself" I rested on his shoulder.

"So do I" He kissed my cheek, wiping my cheeks. "Let's go to sleep, okay? My fiance..." He smiled.

"Mm, yeah" I breathed gently, laying down.

He pulled me close, I cuddled deep in his arms. "I'll always love you, Keith, no matter what" He kissed the top of my head. My head whirled into sleep, and, a different dream occured.

"Mi hermosa~ Muy Bonita~" I heard soft humming, it sounded like Lance.

I walked softly through the unknown house, my hands were far more feminine than usual, and my chest felt heavy. My body was about the same weight, but from what I could tell I was far shorter.

I walked downstairs through the kitchen, the lemon color of the counters told me I had to be in a different time. I looked around more at photos, all of them were in black and white.

There was a photo with a picture of Lance and Shiro, this was weird, extremely weird.

"Mommy?" A voice sounded through the house.

I was confused, these planes alone had to be from the 1940s, nearly 200 years ago.

"Mommy, what's wrong?" A little boy tugged at my side.

I don't know what world I was in, but in this one, I was a woman, and I had a kid.

"Nothing, go back to bed sweetie" I said, choking kind of on my own voice, it was deep, but way more high pitched than me.

"Okay, if you say so" He mumbled, going back up the stairs, I went down the hallway following the singing.

"Mi Princessa~" He kissed the top of a toddler's head, she was honestly the cutest baby I had ever seen.

"Lance?" I asked.

"Hmm?" He turned, sighing, "I thought I told you to get some sleep" He went over to me.

"I wasn't tired" I mumbled the best answer out.

"You've been exausted for days, come on" He grabbed around my waist, we went upstairs.

"I couldn't sleep without you" I leaned into his arm.

"You missed me that much?" He joked.

"Oh hush!" I rolled my eyes, this honestly felt like cheating, but, this was Lance, it looked exactly like him, except his hair wasn't black, nor curly.

"Admit it" He flopped his slippers off.

"What if I don't" I protested.

"I'll give you a thousand kisses" He kissed my face a hundred times, I giggled loudly.

"Okay! Okay! You win, I admit it!" I laughed.

"Good" He kissed me deeply, part of me felt this was extremely wrong, but, he even kissed exactly like him.

His hands travelled up my waist, up to my chest, it's really weird to have a female body, "Fuck-"

His hands traveled down my torso, I felt myself pool-

-

"Morning" Lance woke me up.

"Mn" I responded.

"I've got some pancakes for you in the kitchen" He shook me gently.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yeah, we gotta leave for Portland in an hour if we're gonna catch the plane" He smiled.

"I had this weird dream" I mentioned, getting up.

"After, last night?" He asked as I walked lazily with him.

"Yeah" I sat down, pancakes in front of me, "Thank you, by the way, for last night, and the pancakes"

"You're welcome"

"But, I was like, a woman, in the 1950s" I continued. "And you were some sort of Vetran, we had two kids, one of them was a boy, and a little girl" I blushed.

"The counters are lemon" He noted.

"Yeah" I excitedly said. "How did you know?" I asked.

"I've had that dream before" He said, "But it was like a memory, and you were pregnant again, your name was Katherine, I think" He sighed.

"I wasn't pregnant in my dream, I just had big boobs" I laughed.

"They're squishy" Lance giggled.

"You've touched them?" I whined.

"Yeah, it's just you, and plus, I like your man-boobs and your woman-boobs" He joked.

"My woman boobs are off limits in those dreams" I huffed.

"Trust me, if I could have you as a woman and a man here at the same time, I'd definitely consider a threesome" He chuckled.

"Wouldn't that just still be a two-some? Because we're the same person" I rolled my eyes.

"Still would be amazing" He put on his ' _I'm thinking dirty thoughts'_ face.

"Hey" I snapped. "Earth to Lance" I laughed.

"What? I was thinking of like, getting fucked while fucki-"

"Stop! Don't wanna picture it!" I sighed out.

"What? I'm bisexual!" He pouted.

 _These dreams, they're like,_ _ **memories**_.  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Jay here, just wanted to explain things more in depth-
> 
> When victims go through things, many of times they dream their significant other doing these actions to them, it's not something they can control, it just happens. A lot of the time, victims will blame themselves for having these nightmares. As for being in another body during memories, you will find out why that is.


	26. Separate

"It's a 4 bedroom 2 bath house, listed at 645,000" The lady showed us around.

"Isn't this a little too big?" I asked.

"Not at all" She smiled. "It's smaller than the last I showed, and right under your budget" She led us upstairs.

"This is way bigger" Lance whispered in my ear.

"I know" I laughed.

"This is the master bedroom, complete with a tap activated TV" She tapped on the wall, the hologram posted up a TV.

"Do all the rooms have tap activated TVs?" Lance asked.

"Yes, they do" She gleamed, going into the bathroom.

Me and Lance wanted something homey, not something to show off like most celebrities.

"Is the area kid friendly?" I asked.

"Of course, there's 3 community parks and I've heard of a parent group" She said.

"Alright" I whispered.

"And of course the 3 bedrooms" She led us into the others.

They were small, but enough for a family. "I think..." I paused.

Lance and us discussed lightly on the house. It was roomy, but not as flashy and modern as the others. We decided to settle on it.

"We'll take it" He smiled.

"Good, I'll get you all settled in on the paperwork!" She exclaimed.

-

"I do" I answered.

"And do you, Lance McClain take this man to be your husband?"

"I do" He said, neither of us were crying, but I guess It was because we both agreed that this was a time to be happy.

I kissed him lightly, a few cameras flashing around us. I loved him to say the least, honestly no papers or stupid ceremony could change any way I feel about him. I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm not afraid of marriage, but I feel like marriages are just a celebration not really needed. If you know you love someone, why do you need to prove it with a party, cake and papers.

Marriage used to have a meaning of social status, or to make children, or a form of belief. Christianity dissapeared years ago, doesn't mean people aren't still racist, homophobic, or sexist.

No matter how, or even if you're white, have good money, and have a perfect life, someone... Someone hates you.

But those who hate you have reasons, and those who love you have their reasons. Good and bad always balance.

"You okay baby?" Lance asked me.

"Yeah, just, blanked out" I kissed his cheek.

"Alright, love you" He squeezed my hand gently.

"Love you" I whispered.

The rest of the day went exactly how I pictured, just another happy day with him. Except cameras were all over us, kind of annoying but I know how thrilled Lance will be to have hundreds of pictures of our wedding in the new house.

The day came to an end, we didn't need to go to some fancy honeymoon, being with eachother was enough.

-

"Wake up" Lance greeted me, I was overwhelmed with this sadness, a sadness that I couldn't get rid of.

"Yeah?" I got up, an old bed, antique furniture was all in the room. I got up, confused, along with my voice.

"Something wrong?" Lance sounded different, but I could tell it was him.

"I'm just-" I held my throat, I sounded Scottish.

"Hmm?"

He sounded Spanish, but not American, European. "Speak Spanish" I demanded.

He giggled in confusion. "Okay?" He smiled. "Te gusta este? Mi amor?" His voice was definitely European.

I blushed bright, I knew everything he said. "I um..." I mumbled.

"Que Paso? Que es?" He asked.

"No soy yo" I answered, I needed to be honest, I wasn't myself.

"Tu hablas español?" He looked at me.

"Yeah, I do speak it, I don't know where I am..." I said. "I speak Hispanic though, not formal Spanish" I looked in his eyes.

"Who, are you?" He pondered aloud.

"I'm Keith... Keith McClain" I almost answered Koga.

"You, have the same eyes, and you..." He gritted his teeth. "Your soul feels the same" He pulled me into a kiss.

I was startled, yes, but I could tell he was the same. Even though we were far older.

"I always believed time travel was real" He said. "How'd you do it?" He gleamed.

"I'm not exactly sure" I looked around. "What year is it?" I mumbled.

"1875" He answered.

"2130 July 29th" I said.

"What's the future like?" He lit up.

"It's, we have I guess..." I looked down.

"Flying carriages?" He looked at me.

"No, well...Kinda, magnetic revolting cars" I said.

"Cars?"

"Like carriages, but no horses" I said.

"Without horses?" He beamed. "Amazing... I do have some Scientific Questions also" He pouted.

"Alright, I'm not crazy about Science, but I guess... I could answer a few" I giggled.

"That's ironic, you're an amazing Scientist in this time..." He laughed.

"Really?"

"Actually an astronomist" He pointed out.

"Wow..." I almost cackled, "I think my least favorite class was Science in School"

"Least favorite? Why?"

"Cause everything's kind of... Known already..." I paused. "Well, more known than this time"

"I guess that could be boring, but I'd love Science either way" He smiled.

"You mentioned something about questions?" I reminded him.

"Oh, Um... Why is there a force in the middle of the galaxy that is pulling stars?"

"It's a black hole, it sucks in matter, destroys planets and stars" I answred nonchalantly.

"Destroys?!" He exclaimed.

"Yeah, but, our star will destroy us before that happens" I laughed. "I feel like I'm talking to my brother, all he ever talks about is science"

 "Why would it destroy us?"

"Stars run off of hydrogen, expand and collapse, while engulfing it's planets" I explained briefly.

"How long does our Star have?"

"Billions of years, you'll be dead by then" I chuckled.

"Oh good" He said with relief.

"Well, I'm done answering questions, and would really like to be taught how to put these clothes on" I got up, my body was older in this reality, but it looked about the same.

He was staring, I felt a little weird, honestly I did need help though. I had no idea what underwear was and where pants began.

"I'm serious! I can't tell the difference between the pants and underwear!" I whined, looking in the closet.

"What if I don't tell you?" He asked.

"I'll twist your dick sideways" I said.

"What's a dick?"

"Your member, I will twist it sideways" I pointed at his crotch.

He grabbed it in subconscious pain. "Alright, that seems like a good enough threat" He winced.

"Good!" I snapped back.

"You know the other you is much nicer" He whined, handing me a frilly long pant-like thing.

"Is that so?" I asked, putting on the stuff. "Wait... I thought this was for women?" I gestured to the pantaloons.

"It is so, and, god no!" He gawked, "It'd be improper for a lady to wear a pantaloon this long, and without a petticoat as well!" He rolled his eyes.

"Do you really get a say in what women should wear?"

"I'm a man of high social standing, so yes"

"Retarded" I scoffed.

"What?" He asked, offended.

"I find it ridiculous that you think you can control a woman" I argued, finding the pants, the rest made sense to me.

"Women aren't educated, so they have no logical imput to give"

"Women are smarter than men, thats a fact by thousands of studies" I said, tying my bow.

"A fact in your time"

"Oh, it's a fact even now, a Woman's brain is far more capable of handling information and storing it than a Man's" I sighed.

"What are you? A suffragette?" He cackled.

"No, I just know, I'm from the future, remember?"

"I suppose you could be correct" He put on his coat.

"I am" I giggled.

"Whatever" He looked at me.

"Are you mad?" I asked.

"Are you mad?" He retaliated.

"No"

"You sound crazy to me"

I paused, "Mad means something offensive in this time doesn't it?"

"Well, its the equivalent of telling you that your opinion is so insane that you should be locked up in a ward" He tied his bow.

"Mad means angry in my time" I mentioned, "Sorry if I offended you"

"Angry, well, I am a bit peeved from your comment, but..." He paused, "You're also the man I love, so I'll have to set it aside" He straightened his bow in the mirror.

I gulped, "You know I'm not your Keith"

"Kenneth" He corrected, "And yes you are, you might have a different backstory, time and upbringing... But I can tell you're the same"

"How?"

"Your presence, it..." He took my hand, and cupped my face with the other. "It's the same, the feeling of him being around is the same in you" He pecked my cheek.

"A presence?"

"Yeah, close your eyes and feel around you" He grinned.

"Alright" I closed my eyes.

"It does feel the same" I looked around, a gun in front of me, it was midnight, Lance was no where to be found.

"Where did you go?" I asked, picking up the letter in front of me.

I started reading the contents, "A suicide letter?" I gasped, it was half finished, but I could tell.

"Why? Would I want to kill myself?" I kept reading, but it barely put down a reason, guess he was getting to that part.

"Must be bad then..." I sighed, I barely knew this version of me, so I couldn't really cry.

I got up, traveling down the hall, into the kitchen, there was no fridge, and a huge telescope was through the roof, hundreds of papers of notes around.

My head flashed-

"Why don't you just go away!" He screamed.

"Because I love you!" Lance snapped back.

"No you don't..." He grimiced, his face stained with tears.

"So what about Katherine? I don't care about her" Lance cupped his face and kissed him.

"We could run west, there's so much room in America" He said.

"I can't, I have kids..." Lance looked away.

"One of them isn't even one of your kids" He scoffed, slapping away Lance's hand.

"Kenneth... Please!" Lance groaned, pissed off.

"We could've been together, and then you married her" Kenneth argued.

"I had to, you know this" Lance sighed. "I had no choice" He breathed.

"Oh you had a choice" Kenneth groaned in anger. "You just decided because it made you look good"

Lance hit the desk hard, "I did it, because I was in a position where I couldn't refuse or I'd be a laughing stalk!" He screamed.

"Oh like me?!" Kenneth screamed back.

"Yeah" Lance was overwhelmed with anger, "Like you" He looked away.

"At least you're being honest for once" Kenneth looked down.

"Sometimes..." He looked away, "I wish I never met you" He walked out. "Maybe I'd actually love my wife instead of being distracted by a disgusting hobby" He spat through his teeth.

Tears fell down his face, "I hate you" He mumbled.

"What?" Lance turned.

"I hate you!" He screamed so loud, it hurt my ears.

"I hate you too!" Lance swung at him.

He grabbed his arm, "I'm not your wife, I won't take a beating like her!" He pushed him down.

"Fuck off!" Lance pushed back, knocking him down.

They continued to fight, bruises everywhere. I had only seen once a slice of Lance truly angry, but I would never say I hated him.

"Are you done, got it out of your system!" Lance pulled him by his collar.

He looked so dead, dead mentally, "I'm sorry" He mumbled.

Lance softened, and gasped, falling from his anger, "What have I done?" He cried confused tears.

"Why does it matter?" Kenneth pushed him away lightly to get up, he limped a few steps.

"I'm sorry" Lance pulled him to a hug.

"No you're not" He cried harder.

"I am, I am sorry" Lance looked in his eyes, grabbing a cloth, he wet it lightly, going back to him. He wiped his scratches and blood.

"I didn't mean that" He said, "Hating you..." He looked away.

"I know, I just... I lost it"

"I did too"

"You throw some mad swings" He joked lightly.

"So do you" He chuckled lightly, wincing at his ribs. "Let's never do this again" He smiled.

"Agreed"

-

"Earth to Keith" Lance waved in front of me, we were at an adoption center.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"You blanked out silly" He giggled.

"Sorry" I mumbled, looking around at the kids around.

There were 10 kids in the room, ages ranged from 4-7. That's kind of what we were looking for.

"I'm gonna go over here" Lance kissed my cheek and went across the room.

I mumbled quietly to myself, there were a group of kids playing with toys, Lance had gone to the 4 year old side. There was a girl sitting all alone.

"Hey" I sat next to her.

She sighed, long curly hair, blue eyes, and caramel skin. "Hi" She pulled up her knees.

"Why aren't you playing?" I asked.

"No one wants to play with me" She shrugged.

"Why?"

"The lady told them not to" She pointed to the social worker.

I looked over at the group of ladies and men. "Do they not like you?" I chuckled.

"Yeah" She pouted.

"Well, I'm supposed to pick a kid today" I said, she looked away.

"Yeah, Jessica over there is a pretty girl, and she likes to play and she's smart, good choice" She pointed to the white girl.

"Why not you?" I asked, "You're pretty, smart enough to analyze people, and you do want to play..."

"Why would a celebrity want to adopt me?" She scoffed.

"How old are you?"

"7" She hid in her knees.

"I think I will try to adopt you" I said.

She looked shocked. "Why?"

I chuckled, "I'll tell you a story, our next visit, and maybe you'll understand"

"What?" She pondered.

"Tell me your name"

"Alicia Stevenson" She said.

"Pretty" I commented.

"It's kind of basic" She sighed.

"You could be named Jessica" I joked.

She giggled, "I guess you're right"

"I found the perfect kid, Keith!" Lance held a girl on his hip, looking down at me.

"So did I" I gestured.

"She looks like Rachel" He whined, happy.

"Rachel?" Alicia turned to me.

"My sister in-law" I said.

"Hi Awesha" The girl waved.

"Hi Cadence" She waved back.

Lance put down Cadence and sighed, sitting down in a circle.

"Will you be my Papa?" Cadence asked.

"We agreed on one kid" I whispered, Cadence in my lap already.

"Well, change of plans" Lance smiled, "And is it really all that bad?" He asked.

"No, I guess not-"

"Hi, I'm Lance" He offered a hand to Alicia.

"Alicia" She shook it lightly.

I held Cadence in my arms, she was already cuddling and nuzzling into my chest. "Is she sleepy?" I asked.

"Nah, she's super energetic, she just likes you" Lance murmered.

"Ah" I pet through her blonde hair, I'm guessing Lance had picked a kid like him.

Alicia and Lance were talking in the distance, I sighed gently.

"Our time's almost up" Lance got up.

Cadence whined loudly. "I don't want you to leave" She started crying.

"We'll be back to see you very soon" I said.

"No" She cried harder.

Alicia sighed gently, "Hand me the baby" She put her arms out.

I handed her the kid, and Cadence started throwing a fit. "I wanna go!" She cried out, "I don't wanna!"

The social worker walked heavily behind me, the heels were enough to throw me into flashbacks of when I was put out into Adoption rooms.

"What did you do?" The social worker snapped at Alicia.

"Nothing, she was crying over the Adopters leaving" Alicia argued, the social worker snatched away Cadence.

"I told you not to touch other kids" She scoffed.

"She didn't do anything" I said to the worker. "It was my fault, I let the child get attached" I admitted.

"Oh, you don't have to lie for her, she's a trouble child as it is" She eyed Alicia.

"He's not lying" Lance stepped up.

"Then for once, she isn't lying" The worker sighed.

I was pissed, not only at this person's attitude, but not even taking the word of an adult.

"Anyways, sorry for the trouble" She handed Cadence to a different worker as she walked with us. "What child interests you?"

"Cadence" Lance answered, "And Alicia"

The worker stopped her pen, pulled us out of the room, and sat us down. This was normal for adoption. "Here's their files" She presented us the folders.

Cadence had been given up at a police station when she was 3, no records of her parents were shown.

"A typical story for Cadence, but I do warn that usually when Alicia is picked out the contents of that folder change people's minds about adoption" She said frankly.

I opened it, there were pictures of her old house in them. I almost wanted to throw up. Alicia was taken from the house at 5, just 2 years ago. Mother was a crack addict and prostitute.

Lance looked at the pictures carefully. "This looks like one of the houses Dmitri lived in" He said.

"Dmitri?" The worker asked.

"One of my foster parents when I was younger" I said, they were a heroine addict, but that was the only difference.

I read more into the file, her mom was fighting to keep her, but evidence came up that the child had been sexually assaulted by one of the prostitutes clients.

"Was she raped?" I asked, Lance looked at me with wide eyes, as I handed him the court paper.

"Multiple times" The worker answered.

"Keith..." Lance said concerned, "I'm not sure you can handle..."

"I will, because no one else is going to adopt her" I argued.

"Sir, I suggest that the children have separate rooms, and you keep them separated with supervision, Alicia doesn't quite understand what happened to her, and she could touch-"

"Don't even finish that sentence" I interrupted. "I'll explain to her, I'll make sure she understands"

Lance rubbed my back lovingly, "Hey, it's okay" He whispered.

I didn't notice I was crying, because I was treated exactly the same way she was.

I remember being treated as if I was a trouble child. I remember meetings with parents who wanted to adopt me. I remember being told I couldn't play with anyone after what had happened to me.

Carmen was my foster mother, but she still had to bring me to adoption centers until I was 13.

I calmed down, controlled my emotions and wiped my face, I was an adult. "Despite Alicia's past, I would still like to adopt her" I said calmly.

"Alright, here's the paperwork, I'll set you both a visit with them"

-

 

 


	27. Story

"Why?" She asked me.

"What do you mean why" I giggled.

"You saw my file, why are you still here" She rolled her eyes.

"Because I care" I said seriously, "And, frankly, I kinda want a daughter like you" I smiled.

She looked around the table and sighed, "I'm not good at bonding" She said.

"Well, I know what always opens me up" I pulled up some bags.

"What?"

"Gummy worms" I handed her a bag.

She stared a little at the bag, "This isn't a joke right?" She coughed. "Are you doing this because you feel bad for me?" She asked.

I paused, "No, I'm not, look..." I ate a red and yellow gummy worm. "I'm not here because of your past, or what happened to you, I just want to know you, what you like, your hobbies, your past shouldn't define you, you're a person beyond that-"

She stared at me, "That's not what other adopters said"

"I know it's hard to see yourself as a person when your problems are being shoved down your throat, but-" I chewed. "You should never loose sight of who you are because of something that happened to you"

"I don't even know who I am" She sighed sadly.

"Well, you like gummy worms right?" I smirked.

"Yeah, who doesn't?" She opened the bag.

"Vegans" I joked.

"Animal bones" She said, "Taste pretty good to me" She lightly sarcastically laughed.

"Don't tell that to Lance's sister Veronica" I whispered.

"Is she a vegan?"

"Yeah" I laughed.

"Could be worse" She giggled.

"What?"

"Your husband could be vegan"

"He likes pork too much to give it up" I snickered. "You know, for a 7 year old, you talk pretty old for your age"

"I watch a lot of documentaries, and older movies so... I've just learned what adults talk like" She shrugged.

"Ahh... Guessing they don't let you watch TV with the other kids"

"They don't want me exposing kids, or whatever" She scoffed, stuffing her face with gummy worms.

"That's bullshit" I said, and realized, "Crap, sorry for my language-"

"It's fine, not like I lived in a whores house before" She joked. "Where she cussed every two seconds"

"Yeah, well, you shouldn't joke like that..." I looked down.

She suddenly turned worried, "I didn't mean-" She looked away.

"What happened to you is not okay" I grabbed her hand, "It will never be okay, so please, don't joke about it like it was" I sighed.

She pulled away her hand, "Stop trying to act like you know me!" She snapped.

"I'm not" I reassured her.

"Yes you are!" She yelled, slumping when she realized her change in voice, "You don't even know what it's like to be treated the way I was-" She cried. "My mom she just- she just let them do whatever because she needed the money for her drugs-"

I paused, breathing softly, I nedded to calm down, "I have something for you" I mumbled.

"What?" She cracked.

"It's only fair that you get to see my file, just as much as I got to see yours" I pulled out a yellow paperback folder.

She wiped her tears, taking the folder.

"I know what it's like" I sighed.

She opened the folder, there was a picture of me when I was 12, "You never got adopted did you?" She asked.

"No" I sighed, "Lance's mom was a dear friend of my parents before they died, she was my foster mother" I mentioned.

She looked more through it, "You had 5 foster homes before Carmen" She read the name.

"Yes" I said.

"Who's this guy in a mug shot" She held the picture, my mind went into a flight or fight response every time I saw ' _it's_ ' face.

I breathed gently, took the picture and sighed as I stared at ' _it'_. "This is..." I paused. "This was my foster parent" I said.

"Why are you shaking?" She pointed to my hands.

"I-" I stared down at the photos, I was alright, I was going to be fine. "This is my rapist" I explained briefly, taking out another few mugshots.

"Are these your um... Too?"

"Yes" I sighed gently, I was going to be strong, strong for her, and strong for myself. I wouldn't let ' _it_ ' get under my skin.

"How'd it happen?" She asked.

I've told this story over and over again, and this point I can recite the story like a monologue. "He took advatage of me, I was a kid, he twisted my reality of what a love between a child was, and a sexual one... He groomed me into thinking what was happening was okay, he physically hurt me and mentally did too... And I swear on my life, that I would never do something as fucked up as he did to me, on to my child" I said simply.

"How old were you?" She asked.

"I was 7" I breathed calmly out.

"In the foster care system?" She fearly murmered.

"Yes, in fact there were 20 other kids before me that he touched" I bit my lip.

"That's terrible" She started crying.

"That's why I'm stronger now" I smiled. "I want you to be strong too"

"I'm sorry I said you didn't understand, because you clearly do" She wiped her tears.

"Hey..." I wiped more of her tears. "It's okay, I know what it's like for some, random adopter to comfort you, expect you to get over it and be a regular kid again.... It's not okay, I understand your frustration..." I laughed gently.

"Did they seperate you from other kids too?"

"Yeah... They did, but, I also understand why, they were just trying to protect other kids... And I didn't understand at the time what had happened to me, what love really was..." I paused. "I didn't understand it for years...Until I had finally been able to trust myself in those situations with Lance" I mentioned.

"You love him?" She questioned

"Like a fairytale almost" I joked.

She sighed out, "I wish I knew what a real parent was... But it's hard for me to trust people, so don't expect me to kumbaya with you both just on the spot" She argued.

"I don't expect you to" I said softly, "But I'll try my hardest to gain that trust" I smiled.

-

"It's Papi" Lance corrected Alicia.

"Lance" She snatched her lunch from him, going to the bus.

"Papi" He scoffed.

"Hey!" I stopped her, "Have a good day okay?" I smiled.

"Thanks Keith" She smiled, walking out of the door.

"Bye daddy!" Cadence hugged me super tight, I giggled softly.

"Goodbye Cadence, make sure you listen to the teacher, no throwing fits alright?" I said sternly to the 5 year old.

"Okay, I'll be good... I promish" She held out her pinky.

"Promise" I pinky swore with her.

"Promish" She smiled warmly, I guided her out the door, she started running to Alicia, all the way to the bus stop.

"Lance..." I looked over at him.

"She _never_ wants to call us parents" He grimiced.

"Please try... To at least understand" I rubbed his back lovingly.

"How can _I_ understand?!" He snapped. "I never was a foster kid!" He started crying. "She only likes you"

"Because you're making it hard by demanding things from her" I argued.

" _Demanding_? I feed her, cloth her, take care of her, give her the things she needs, sometimes even wants... And I just want her to treat me like her dad... That's all I want!" He slapped the counter with a wet towelette.

"You're acting like a child"

"Cadence at least gets it" He argued.

"Cadence is 5! She never had a family before, she's excited, and wants a family" I said.

"Why didn't we get another child that _wants_ to be a family?" He gritted his teeth.

"Because sometimes that's not how to world works" I rolled my eyes.

"No! That's because _Keith_ wanted that world, because you're using her to make yourself feel better about what happened to you" He scoffed.

I slapped him, narrowed my brows and muttered, "Fuck you"

He held his cheek, got angrier, and then his face softened realizing what he had just said. "I'm sorry, I deserved that"

"She's not a pity case, I don't know what's gotten over you but I don't think you seem to remember how long it took for me to call Carmen, mom" I said. "Dad and her used to fight like this all the time" I looked away.

"I just, you know how I grew up, family was so important" He sighed. "I love Alicia with all my heart, but it's hard, that she doesn't feel the same way"

"Give her time please" I cupped his face.

"I'm sorry" He grabbed one of my hands.

"It's okay, we all get angry, and say things we shouldn't" I pulled him closer and kissed his cheek.

"I love you" He smiled.

"I love you too" I kissed his lips gently.

"You know, I got 2 hours before work... So we can chill or whatever" He mentioned.

"Are you asking for sex after we just had a huge fight?" I scoffed.

"Maybe" He smirked nervously.

"How do you even get turned on by us fighting? You're 25, we're not even teenagers anymore" I laughed sarcastically.

"You're hot when you're angry" He shrugged.

"Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but I'm still ticked off, so rub it out" I pointed away to upstairs.

"Keith~" He whined.

"Go watch porn, I have errands to run anways" I started getting stuff together.

He sadly walked away, "Alright, make sure to wear your glasses and mask" He gave me both of them.

"Maybe tonight, alright?" I kissed his cheek.

He smiled gently a bit of excitement behind it. "Your 'maybes' usually mean yes"

"Well, then you know your answer" I pecked his lips, putting on my disguise.

"Love you"

"Love you too" I waved off.

-

"Cadence is tucked in and asleep" He said, getting into bed with me.

"What about Alicia?" I asked.

"You know she plugs in and falls asleep" He sighed.

"Mm" I responded, reading more of my book.

He laid his head on my shoulder, reading with me. His hand started on my stomach then slowly to my chest. "You're so beautiful" He dangled his long fingers through my long hair.

"And you're handsome" I put my book down, running my fingers over his cheeks, pulling him into a kiss.

"Baby" He murmured, kissing me slowly, pulling me slowly over him.

"Yeah?" I asked, laying on his chest.

"I want you" He pushed my hair behind my ear.

"You have me already" I giggled huskly.

"I want more of you" He pulled me into another kiss, he was wearing one of my sweaters, it was so cute.

"How much more" I kissed his jawline.

"You know how much" He laughed.

"Do I?" I pulled down his boxers.

"Yeah, obviously" He smiled brightly, his ocean colored eyes staring into mine.

"I love you" I sighed out, entwining our fingers together as I hovered over him. He was beautiful, his curly gentle black hair and contrasting with the soft pillow behind it.

"You're being pretty vanilla tonight" He lifted up and smooched my lips.

"I just want to make love to my beautiful husband" I bent down and met my lips with his trailing soft pecks down, under the blanket.

"Keith..." He mumbled, breathing softly.

I took his cock in my hand, yeah, it was hard to see under the blanket, but I could still tell where everything was. I sucked the tip, I could hear muffling of moans and gasps under the blanket. I was teasing him, rolling him over orgasm.

"Keith, please..." He whined, I popped out of the blanket.

"What's that my love?" I kissed him, edging his building orgasm.

"I want to-"

"Well, this is punishment for this morning" I shrugged slightly.

"I said I was sorry" He pouted.

"Too bad" I pulled open a drawer.

"Keith-" He complained softly, as I pulled out a cock ring. "Don't"

"I want you to last when you ride me" I giggled.

"Baby" He looked me in the eyes, pleading was one of my favorite things I loved about Lance. He looked ao desperate, and in a way, it looked like he wanted no one else but me.

"I love you" I whispered in his ear, kissing his neck.

"Fuck" He clawed at my back.

"Say it back" I demanded.

"You already know I love you" He nuzzled into my shoulder as his sanity hazed with arousal. "So much"

"Tell me how much"

"I couldn't live without you, you complete me, everyday I'm so glad to wake up to you" He breathed out. "You're my everything" He kissed me.

I smiled softly, rolled over and let him hover over me. "You're everything to me too" I caressed his face.

"God, you're making me embarrassed" He straddled on top of me, grabbing the lube.

"Is it because of the things I say?" I mumbled, watching him pull out my cock.

"Always is" He looked away, lifting up gently, he positioned himself and sunk down softly.

"Feel good?" I moaned with a sigh out.

"Yes" He slowly bounced on my hips.

I grabbed his sides for support, he was already so loud, we don't usually go all out like this since the kids are home, but honestly... Lance bouncing on my dick with my sweater on, on top of that his hands planted on my chest; probably was the cutest and hottest thing to witness.

"Oh fuck" He chuckled slightly, his bounces becoming erratic, he was getting tired.

I sat up, grabbed his hips and fucked him harder than he could keep up with. "You like that?"

"Mmm Hm" He nodded frantically, burying his moans and screams into my shoulder.

"You like my cock?" I whispered, slaps becoming louder by the second.

"Yes, it feels so good" He whined. "You feel so good inside me" He was pleading again.

"You feel good too" I mumbled, "Fuck" I cursed myself, cumming inside him.

"Please" He groaned, I pulled off the cock ring and bounced him a few more times.

I collapsed back, watching Lance cum all over that sweater. "That was good" I breathed calmly out.

"It's been a while" He threw off my sweater, collapsing next to me.

"I love you~" I smiled, running my fingers through his hair.

"I love you too" He gave me a soft peck on the lips, I pulled over the covers.

_Tomorrow was Tuesday, and honestly I wish I didn't have to get up at 7am in the morning._   
  



	28. Change

"Goodnight" I kissed the top of Alica's head.

"Keith?" She grabbed me before I got up.

"Yes, sweetie?" I smiled softly.

"What does it mean to love somebody?" She asked.

I paused, "I'm not sure what you mean, give me an example" I stated.

"The way you love Lance, what does it mean" She sat up.

I thought for a moment, "It means trust, to trust somebody so much that you can't imagine a day without them" I answered. "You want to kiss them, and marry them..." I said.

"And have sex" She said.

I knew a conversation like this would come up, "Yes, but, you have to really trust them to be vulnerable like that, sex is normal, everyone usually has it, some people don't find a reason to have it, they're normal too" I looked at her, "But until you can understand what giving yourself up means, you can't participate in actions you don't know"

"Why did my mom make me?" She asked. "Am I still a virgin?"

I teared up slightly, "Of course you're still a virgin, you can't give up something you don't understand" I said softly, "And your mom, she... She was too unstable to understand a relationship a mother has on her child, she was dependent on drugs to get her through life" I sighed.

She looked away, "So when I'm older like you, I could be vulnerable to people I trust"

"Yes, and I'm sure you'll find somebody who truly loves you, whether that's a boy, or a girl... It doesn't matter to me or Lance" I pushed her curly hair behind her ear.

"When is it okay to have these feelings?" She asked.

"Well, sexual feelings start to show up around 11 to 14, you shouldn't fear them, it's normal to feel certain ways, and after 16 is probably okay enough to act on these feelings" I said.

"When did you decide Lance was the person you wanted these feelings with?"

"It's like a connection, I couldn't stop thinking about it, and he wanted me past the feelings, he cared about me, and he still very much does" I answered.

"Thank you, for not giving me the whole, ' _nobody has sex talk, stay away from it'_ you were honest" She snuggled back under the covers.

"I'm not gonna stop you from having sex, there's no point, so I might as well educate you before you do something wreckless, like going out and thinking sex is nothing but to get high off of it and leave, and trust me, you can ask your uncle Marco how _great_ sex is as a quick in and out route" I laughed.

"Well, anyways... I should go to bed" She smiled.

"Goodnight, and remember if have anymore questions, it's okay to ask" I turned off the light.

"Goodnight, I'll remember, thanks _Dad_ "

I closed the door behind me and smiled so widely, "She just called me Dad" I chuckled softly.

-

"Alright, everyone out the car" Lance unbuckled Cadence out of her seat.

"Where are we?" Cadence asked.

"Your great-grandmas, well, now you're great aunt's" He answered.

I stared at the soft waves in the distance, I still remember having to get clearance just to go here the first time.

"It's pretty" Alicia said, "But also unbearably hot" She fanned herself.

"Alright Cadence, if I set you down, you have to promise me you won't run into the water" He looked at her with the dad look.

"Okay" She smiled, as soon as her feet hit the sidewalk, she bolted to the water.

"Cadence!" Lance ran after her.

I walked to the front of the house, already it was loud, "Uncle Keith is here!" The door swung open, I was pumbled by at least 20 kids.

"Touch me and I'll break your arm" Alicia warned them.

"Alright, kids, Uncle Lance is here too, but he's having trouble getting your cousin Cadence, can you get her for me?" I got up, they all gleamed happily.

"Pablo is the fastest runner" One of them pointed.

"Then he'll do the job well won't he?" I handed him $2.

"Yes!" He ran through the driveway.

Alicia was nervous, but also ticked off, even though Lance's family was loud, obnoxious, and sometimes annoying, it was her family.

"Alright, where's Mami?" I asked.

"Abuela is in the kitchen with tia Rachel and Lisa" They answered.

"Where's Veronica?"

"Upstairs"

"Alright, I'm guessing Luis and Marco are on the Game aren't they?"

"Yep!"

I walked through the house, taking off my shoes at the door, Alicia doing the same. We went in the kitchen, all of them cooking with their backs turned.

I giggled gently and went to Carmen and gave her a hug from behind.

"Mi hijo! You scared me!" She turned around and gave me a huge hug.

"I missed you Mom" I sighed gently.

"Oh my goodness, she does look like Rachel" Carmen gasped at Alicia.

"How does Lance's kid look more like you than your own kid?" Lisa joked.

"Shush" Rachel sighed.

"It's nice to meet you Alicia, I'm your Abuela" She smiled.

"I got her!" Pablo came in with Cadence.

Alicia sighed out, "Encantado de conocerte" She answered, Carmen, me and Lance who just walked in dropped our jaws.

"Si habla españo?" Carmen asked.

"Si, mi mami lo habló" She said.

"Did you know she spoke Spanish?" Carmen asked me.

"No, I didn't" I said shockfully.

"You speak Spanish?" Lance asked.

"Well, I just did" Alicia sarcastically scoffed.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Lance pulled Cadence into his arms.

"You never asked, and honestly, you had very well spoken English, so I just thought you were a Gringo" She shrugged, Carmen burst out laughing.

"You kinda act like a Gringo not gonna lie" Rachel laughed.

"I think being married to me adds a little bit of the Gringo look" I stated.

"I'm not a Gringo, I speak Spanish at concerts" He pouted.

"What's with the extra commotion?" Veronica asked.

"Veronica!" Lance jumped into her arms, putting Cadence down, "I haven't seen you since my wedding" He whined.

"I missed you too" She wrapped her arm around his neck and messed up his hair.

"Hey!" He laughed, trying to get out.

Cadence slowly walked to me and giggled brightly, "Daddy" She hugged me tight around my leg.

"Come here" I picked her up and rasberried her cheek.

"Is this my little troublemaker?" Carmen asked, taking Cadence out of my arms. "Aren't you the cutest Mi hija?" She gave her a bunch of kisses on her cheek.

"She's a cute little devil" I murmured sarcastically.

Alicia was warming up as time passed, It was funny how a lot of the family said that she acted like me my first time here. Honestly, Cuba is my favorite place, next to when my mom took us to Korea when we were younger to see my Aunt who lived there.

My mom was a secret agent, more or less as scary as she sounded, she cared a lot about me and Shiro. My dad always wanted her to loosen up, and most of the time she did.

Lance's family was loud in comparison to mine. But as much as Carmen and my mom were opposites, they were best friends.

The reason me and Shiro weren't put with Carmen when our parents died was because, Lance and Rachel were twins, which meant there were 5 kids in the house. Luis was still living in the house and was only 10 years older than Lance.

The foster system has a limit of 6 kids in a home, and with me and Shiro that made 7, plus, Carmen was already so busy with kids already.

We made it back to Oregon to see my brother and his kid. Sophie was 7 the same age as Alicia, and they seemed to have gotten along better. Although, Sophie had built in racism against hispanics before adoption, she didn't like Lance. Shiro did his best to explain that Sophie's family was often attacked by Mexican gang members, but Lance felt terrible that his niece didn't like him.

"This is Obaachan?" Cadence sat down, next to Sophie.

"Yes, it is" I explained, we all went on a trip together to the city without my brother and his husband coming along.

"Didn't they die in a fire?" Alicia murmured.

"Yeah" I sat down.

"Dad tells stories about Obaachan and Ojiichan, they sounded like great people" Sophie stated.

"They were" I smiled, bringing out some dounuts they were my parents favorite.

"Isn't that gonna mold?" Cadence asked.

"It's for the ancestors dumbass" Sophie sighed.

"Hey!" I turned.

"Sorry" Sophie mumbled.

"She doesn't understand tradition yet" Lance mentioned.

"Neither do you, beaner" She rolled her eyes.

I sighed out, "My mom was practically an aunt to Lance, he probably knows a lot more about tradition than you do" I said in defense.

"Plus, it's Cuban tradition as well to leave food for your loved ones, isn't it?" Alicia asked, "Like Mexican culture?"

Lance smiled, "I left food for my great-grandma when I was little" He put his arm around me.

"I miss them" I sighed, "They would've loved to meet all of you" I teared up, "My mom, if she was alive, would be so proud of Takashi, she would hug me and Shiro to death if she got to see us one last time" I let tears flow.

"She'd be proud of you too, and I'm pretty sure she'd soffocate me to death and then threaten me to take care of you or I'd die" Lance joked.

"She would" I chuckled, "And Dad would thank you for taking care of me" I sighed out, "They really were the perfect parents, I just hope, that I could parent anything like them" I smiled.

"Keith, you're a perfect dad to me" He kissed my cheek.

"Daddy is a good daddy" Cadence waddled over and hugged me tight.

"Thanks Cadence, I think you're a good daughter too" I kissed the top of her head.

"My Dads are good parents too" Sophie crossed her arms.

"Shiro is probably better at parenting than us just by himself" Lance sighed, chuckling.

"Yeah" I laughed gently. "He's like dad"

"Gosh, he even looks like him!" Lance snickered.

"Yeah"

-

"Can I wear this?" Alicia asked, holding out a pair of dress pants and a collared tee.

"Alicia, it's Christmas, Aunt Veronica and Rachel will be over with your cousins, you should dress up a bit more" I showed a dress to her.

"Can I please?"

"These are boys clothes, Alicia, and you know how Aunt Rachel gets" I laughed it off.

"Alright" She sighed out.

"Thank you, I get you wanna be comfortable but I have to wear pinchy shoes and gel my hair" I joked.

"Why can't I wear the pinchy shoes?" She muttered.

"You are, a pair of cute little heels" I said, "The one's Papi bought"

"Oh yeah"

-

"Why don't you put your hair up for your first day of school?" I asked, pulling her long curls into a pretty bun.

"Can I just wear my sweater?"

"I bought those really cute pants from New York on my last tour for you, you could wear those with your pink sweater" I mentioned.

"Alright" She got up and went into the room.

"Daddy! Daddy! Look at what Papi did to my hair!" Cadence hopped up and down with her hair in two pigtails.

"You look pretty" I smiled, "Gonna be the best looking 3rd grader in your class"

"Daddy also..." She stomped her foot, and the sneakers lit up. "See?!"

"Did you spoil her again?" I sighed at Lance.

"You know I can't say no" He sighed, Alicia came out with her outfit and backpack.

"Oh, Mi hija you look so beautiful" Lance pushed her loose curls behind her ears.

"Thanks Papa" She smiled.

"Alright, get your signs so I can take some pictures!" I said.

-

"How was school?" I asked.

"Normal" Alicia answered, Cadence was at a friends house tonight, and Lance was on tour.

"Alicia, can we talk?" I asked, setting down my fork.

"About what?"

"You know I care about you, and love you unconditionally, but..." I paused, sighing to myself.

"But what?"

"You're not taking care of youself, you used to be so..." I looked away, "On top of things, is there something going on, something you want to tell me?"

"Not really, I'm just lazy" She shrugged.

"You wearing hoodies in 104° weather is not just being lazy"

"Can we just end this conversation" She picked at her food.

"No, I'm worried" I looked in her eyes.

"Well stop worrying!" She snapped, getting up.

"Young lady!" I grabbed her arm, seeing the scars on it.

"Get off!" She pulled away.

"Alicia..." I teared up, "What is going on?"

"Just teenage depression, nothing that you really won't shrug off" She sighed.

"Shrug off?" I scoffed, "I would never-"

"Can you please drop it! I can deal with it on my own" She started crying, running upstairs.

"Alicia!"

-

"I wanted to give this to you its from your penpal-" I stared up, Alicia was there, and for once the world felt like it stopped when I realized she was wrapping Ace bandaging around her chest.

"I can explain-" She looked at me in fear.

"What are you doing?"

"Dad, please, don't be angry" She walked over to me.

I closed the door, I needed air, I needed time. The daughter that I loved, the daughter that I had, just died in that very moment.

-

"How long did you know?" I asked them.

"I... I don't know..." Alicia answered.

"Why didn't you say anything?" I asked.

"I thought you would hate me" They teared up.

"You're my dau-" I paused, "You're my child, I could never hate you" I corrected myself.

"Are you angry?"

"Confused, I'm very confused" I answered honestly, "You're my little girl, but..." I stared down.

"But I'm not" They insisted.

"I don't know how to handle this, Alicia, we adopted you as a girl, I just..." I started crying, "I feel like just... My daughter just died a few minutes ago"

"I'm still me, I'm still here"

"I'm gonna have to talk to Lance, but I will try my hardest, to get used to it" I insisted, "I love you, and I'll always support you" I hugged them.

"I love you too dad"

"The first thing we're gonna do, is buy you a safe binder, I don't want you breaking your ribs trying to do it with Ace tape" I laughed gently.

"Thank you"

I smiled, "Before, I go and buy things-" I paused "What exactly, are you wanting to be?" I mentioned, "Needing to be" I corrected.

"A boy" He answered.

"I will try to change things, I might mess up, but, I want you to be patient with me, please, and especially Lance, it's gonna be so hard, for specifically him" I mentioned.

"Okay"

I pulled him into a hug, "I wish you told me sooner" I kissed the top of his head.

"I was scared"

"You should've never been scared to be who you are" I mumbled. "I'll love you no matter what" I ran my fingers through his hair, "I'll tell you what, let's get your hair cut nice and short tomorrow" I said, "Donate it?"

"That sounds good"

-


	29. Juniberries

"How does that look?" My hair dresser asked him.

"It looks amazing!" He said.

I held the shopping bags in my hands, smiling gently. "He looks great" I ran my fingers through his tight curls.

"Anything for my favorite celeb" She winked.

"Don't mention this to the press" I said clearly.

"Like I ever would!" She laughed, "You know me"

"I know, it's just hard to trust anyone" I mumbled.

"These days its crazy what people will do to ruin someone's reputation" She scoffed.

"Like that hidden camera incedent" I gritted my teeth.

"That was terrible, I'm so sorry" She put a hand on my shoulder.

"What incident?" Ali asked.

"You'll find it for yourself one day" I sighed.

"Was it a sex tape?" Ali asked.

"Something like that" I looked away.

"I already saw it" He shrugged, "I mean you're an adult, so I don't see why it would be such a big deal" He rolled his eyes.

"It's an invasion of privacy" She said softly.

"I guess, but you and Papi love eachother a lot, so isn't it expected?"

"Yes, but it's still bad to expose something extremely private" I pulled out my wallet to pay my hairdresser.

"I understand" He smiled.

"$95 the regular" I paid her.

"Thanks, I'll see you for your regular, week from now?"

"Yep, see ya Su" I waved her off, walking with Ali.

"Thank you Dad for accepting me" He teared up.

"Of course, it never mattered that you were a girl or a boy, all that matters is that you're you, and you're my child" I kissed the top of his head.

"I love you Dad" He hugged me tight.

"And what father would I be not to accept you?" I stared in his eyes.

"I don't know"

"Not one, that's what I'd be" I smirked.

-

"What happened to your hair mi princessa?" Lance looked around Ali.

"Papi-"

"What is going on?" Lance shook his head in confusion.

"Mi prince" Cadence corrected.

"What?"

"Lance please" I sighed. "Alicia, she's-" I covered my mouth quickly, gasping, "He's going through a lot, I know how hard it is-"

"That is my daughter, mi hija, mi nina, Qué Esto? Paso?" He got in my face.

"Lance, you know how hard it was for your family to accept us, this is the same"

"No, mi amor, this is not the same, She's changing her entire appearance, her entire life, it's just a phase" He looked at Ali.

"Were we just a phase?!" I yelled, "Remeber you decided you were bisexual at 13!" I gestured to him. "Has that changed? Tell me?" I asked.

"That is my daughter!" He screamed.

"It is your SON!" I slapped him, "Get it together! Think for once instead of being as ignorant as your family" I scoffed.

"I am not ignorant" He gritted his teeth.

"You are" I looked down at him.

"That is not my child" He stared at Ali

"You are not my husband then" I pulled off my ring.

"No dad!" Ali grabbed my hands, "Please" He put on my ring.

Lance started crying, "What am I saying?" He slapped himself. "I need, I need to go-" He shook his head.

"Please Papi" Cadence was crying.

"I'm sorry"

"Lance-" I grabbed him, "I didn't mean-"

"I need time to think" He shook me off, walking out the door.

-

"I didn't think it would be that bad" I mumbled at the table.

"Me either" Ali said. "Maybe-"

"Be yourself Alicia, whether he accepts you or not" I stopped her- him, it was a him now.

"I thought of a few names" Ali changed the topic.

"What are they?"

"Alex, Aaron, Allen, Anthony..." He named off.

"I like Alexander!" Cadence smiled.

"Then it's settled" Alex smiled gently.

"Alex, I love it" I held his hand across the table.

The door slammed open, "Both of you look pretty done, please go to bed" I sighed.

"Good night daddy" Cadence kissed my cheek.

"Good night dad"

"Love you both" I hugged them, Lance came into the kitchen as they both went upstairs.

"Keith"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry" He sighed to the counter. "I love you, I just..." He sniffled, his eyes were red as hell. "Alicia, I love her, him, whatever...It doesn't matter" He looked away.

"You usually tell the truth when you're crying" I smiled, wiping his tears.

"I am, our children should always come first" He stared in my eyes.

"I love you" I kissed him.

"I love you more" He tasted like beer, but he wasn't drunk.

"You scared me today" I cupped his face.

"You scared me, I thought I lost my husband" He giggled.

"You're the love of my life"

"You're the love of _my_ life" He corrected.

"I'm gonna clean up the kitchen, please go talk to Alex" I kissed his cheek.

"Alex?"

"Alicia" I lowly said.

"Alright" He smiled softly.

-

I walked gently into the room, tripping on a few items on the ground. "Hi" I said awkwardly.

"Hi, Papi" She sighed, He- He sighed.

"You know, I didn't mean to say those awful things" I started crying, "You're my kid, my child...And I should've never said that" I kissed him on the head.

"It's fine, I knew you weren't going to really accept it at first" He smiled.

"You're everything to us" I hugged him close. "Everything"

"I know" He hugged back.

"You wanna donate all your girl clothes tomorrow, I see your Dad went out and bought a bunch more..." I mentioned to thd bags.

"He did, I'm very greatful" He smiled.

"It takes a lot out of us to accept things, you know, my family shunned me at first, cause I came out... And-" I paused, "Keith was right" I admitted, "I sounded like my family"

"You would've thrown me out if you were a stereotypical Jesus-fucking Latino man" He sarcastically laughed.

I giggled, "Yeah, I'd never be like that"

"You love me right?" He asked.

"No matter what" I ran my fingers through her-... his hair.

"I love you Pop" He dug his face into my chest.

I kissed the top of his head. "I love you son"

-

"Hey, who's that?" I snapped at Alex.

"A friend" He giggled, holding around a guy.

"Who is this friend?" I asked.

"Someone" He laughed, pulling them more up the stairs and into his bedroom.

"Young man, get-"

"Lance, just let it go" My husband said softly.

"But... He just brought some random dude in here to smash!" I rolled my eyes.

"And he's 17..." Keith sighed out. "That's also his boyfriend he's had for 6 months"

"What?! Why didn't anyone tell me?" I pouted.

"Because you get overprotective" He looked over at me. "Cadence has a boyfriend too"

"Qué??! No, she can't have one!" I teared up. "She's my little princessa, mi nina!" I whined.

"Your ' _nina_ ' is 14" He mumbled out.

"No..."

"Yes..." He laughed.

"That's not fair"

"How is it not fair?" He asked.

"They...T-They were so small yesterday" I cried.

"Time passes my love..." He joked.

"No"

"We're in our 40s Lance" He kissed my cheek.

"So? We're still young"

"Don't make me laugh" He rolled his eyes, "In less than a decade, we'll be 50, with grandkids" He got up and started to cuddle me.

"We were just 20-"

"You will forever look 20 in my eyes" He smooched my lips gently, straddling over me.

"Ohh, is that so?" I pulled his chin forward.

"Yep"

"Gross" Cadence grimaced.

"One day you'll be old young lady" I retorted.

"I don't want to be old" She pouted.

"Hopefully that boyfriend of yours will love you enough to stay" I crossed my arms.

"Dad! You told Papi?!" She cried.

"Eventually he was going to find out" Keith sighed.

"Dad!"

"What's his name?" I asked.

"Noah"

"Is he gay?" I asked.

"Why would you ask that?" Cadence looked at me funny.

"Cause usually Noah's are gay" I mumbled.

"He's bisexual"

"So he is gay" I smiled.

"No, he's bisexual" She argued.

"Same thing, he's part gay" I argued.

"No, he doesn't specifically like men" She rolled her eyes.

"Mira aqui, mi hija, I'm bisexual too, and I am part gay" I laughed.

"But you're with Dad" She popped an eyebrow up. "Doesn't that make you gay?"

"No, I still like women, I like boobs, and you kno-"

"Hey!" Keith elbowed me.

"And I love my beautiful husband as well, with his soft chest, and broad shoulders" I finished.

"When did you, uh know you were bisexual?" Cadence asked nervously.

"Porn" Keith sarcastically answered.

"Hey!" I whined at him.

"I was being honest" He shrugged.

"Hmph" I sighed, "Why are you asking Mi hija, do you think you might be bi too?" I supportively put a hand on her shoulder.

"Well, I imagine kissing girls, but I think it's just a phase-" She smiled. "Like it only happens for a split second"

"Is there more than kissing?" Keith suspiciously asked.

"Sometimes, but, I swear, I'm straight!" She argued.

"Honey, no one has sex dreams of girls and is a girl, says their straight" Keith sighed.

"I don't..." She paused, "I don't wanna be gay, or bisexual, I just wanna be normal" She shrugged.

"It is normal" I giggled, "How normal is our relationship?" I mentioned to me and Keith.

"Well, you're different! E-Everyone accepts you!" She blurted.

"No, not everyone does" I opened my phone.

"I'm sure of it" She said.

"This is an old selfie I took with your Dad" I showed her.

"Why are you covered in... Food stains?" She asked.

"This is after a show in Russia together, we got a lot of people who came out to throw food at us just because we were a gay couple" I sighed, smiling gently at the young version of me.

"Why did you take a picture, with you two happy?"

"It was better to be together, and love eachother than the hate" Keith finished. "Life, for us hasn't been the best... But, no matter what we were ourselves" Keith kissed my cheek.

"You know, I think I'll just... Try out, no labels, just me" Cadence smiled.

"Alright, and that's perfectly fine, mi hija" I hugged her from the side, "Now, do you have any homework?" I rose my brow, changing the subject.

"Dad!" She whined.

-

It was almost 6 in the morning, Lance was in bed next to me, last year, Alex moved out to start college at Harvard, apparently being a lawyer for social justice. I sighed gently as I read off my tablet, the silence was deafening. No one was awake, not a peep in the house.

I laid gently on Lance's back, warm and smooth, as usual. I think if I wanted to I could sleep here as much as I wished.

He was my husband after all; I stared at his wedding ring, putting my left hand over his.

"Mi Amor?" He mumbled, getting up. "It's so early..." He groaned. "What are you doing up?"

"Reading, like usual" I mumbled, kissing his back.

"As usual" He lowly chuckled.

"Mmm" I hummed back.

"Is that your dick, poking at my thigh?" He turned to look.

"Yeah, Little Snoopy wants attention-" I joked.

"Please never call your dick Little Snoopy ever again" He rolled his eyes, stuffing his face into the pillow.

"Why? It's little, and snoopy in your business" I giggled.

"Your dick is anything but little, surprisingly since you're Asian" He rolled over.

"Hey!" I pouted.

"It's true" He smiled widely from ear to ear.

I ducked under the blankets, deepthroating him all the way.

"Jesus fuck, are you that horny?"

"Shut up!" I mumbled with his cock in my mouth. "Or I won't let you cum" I squeezed his shaft.

"Fuck! Okay, Okay!"

-  
It was Saturday, after getting hickeyed up and down by Lance, I was making breakfast for the family. Cadence was 15 and, honestly how teens are, they won't wake up until after 10am. So me and my wonderful husband went on for 3 hours.

"Baby" Lance wrapped his arms around me.

"Yes?" I giggled, leaning into his touch.

"I love you" He teased.

"I love you too" I kissed him softly on the lips.

My phone went off with an alarm, I shrugged it off as an appointment alarm I didn't turn off, until Lance's went off.

"Must be an Amber Alert or something" I kept stirring the scrambled eggs.

"Dad! Papi!" Cadence bolted down the stairs, faster than I had ever seen her run.

"The alarm?" Lance asked.

"Look!" She exclaimed.

"This- it can't be true" I stared at the phone, in panic, I opened the fridge, unplugging it, I pulled out all the trays, food everywhere.

"Keith-"

"We're about to be bombed, get inside the fridge!" I screamed.

"Why the fridge?" Cadence asked, "Dad I'm scared!" She was  profusely crying.

"My mom she was in the military, the fridge will brace the impact!" I pushed her inside, crying out of panic, I pushed the table in front of the fridge.

"Keith! What about us?"

"The washing machines-" I mumbled.

"There's not enough time" He looked around.

The ground shook violently, plates crashing everywhere, I held onto Lance tightly. I stared in his eyes, fear broke me.

"I love you" He whispered, kissing me briefly.

There was a large light, brighter than the sun, my heart fell.

"I'm sorry, I wish-"

"Shush-"

The windows broke, a fire wall larger than anything I had ever seen blasted through the houses in the distance like a tornado.

"You're everything, I-"

Forget me nots scattered in a field, I breathed out slowly, staring over at the man across the meadow.

An abundace of memories hit my head, it almost hurt. I ran quickily, crying.

"Keith-"

"Lance!" I screamed, tackling him, I kissed him all over.

"Hey" He pushed my hair behind my ear.

"Hey" I giggled.

"See ya in the next life k?"

"What?"

He disappeared, who, who was he? Was he him?

I felt heavy like in a puddle of water, or an ocean, but I was just laying there,

_In a field of Forget Me nots._

-

"Keith?" I was struggling for consciousness.

"Keith~" I heard a voice.

"Keith!" I bolted awake.

"What?!" I breathed.

"Those Galran politic meetings are making you crazy tired!" He joked.

"They're a lot of work" I mumbled.

"Well you almost fell asleep on a bunch of Juniberries" He laughed. 

"Allura's Flowers" I mumbled.

"Yeah, her flowers"

 _When are you ever going to fucking let her go_. I gritted my teeth. "I should head back to Daibazaal soon, my mom's expecting me to be at this mission" I got up. "So... Thanks for the resting spot, Lance, it's always quiet here" I mentioned.

"Anytime" He smiled.

A blush crept up my face, "I'm gonna head to Shiro's and then Pidge's, say hi, but I'll be gone for a while after that, don't know when I'll come back"

"Or if you will" Lance laughed, "Joking" He reassured. "But see ya" He hugged me gently.

" _See ya_ "  
  
  
  



End file.
